Spotless Mind

The New Pad

2010-07-25T19:56:00.000-07:00

So life has been pretty busy here in Tallahassee. Who knew?

But I took some time out to take some pictures of the new place. And I'm getting Tivo soon! Yay!

Anyway, here are the pics of the place.

This is my front entrance.

And when you walk in, you have the living room and kitchen to the left.

To the right, down the hallway...

are the bedrooms. The first is the guest, which also houses my desk (and boxers apparently). They're clean.

And next over is where you can find me.

A real bed!!!

And last but not least, the crapper.

Check out that tiny ass closet.

I'm not really sure why I'm missing a drawer, and I have no real counter space in here but...

it's mine. Home. : )

The Runaways

2010-04-13T07:36:00.000-07:00

What I liked about The Runaways:
The music
The ladies

What I didn't like about The Runaways:
There wasn't enough story there
Not a good timeline of events
Didn't flesh out the characters- not even Jett or Currie who were the main focus
Never really had a moment

I recently saw The Runaways, and here's what I thought:

It's not bad but not great either. I kept waiting for a moment that never came, which is not to say there aren't neat things about this bio pic. It certainly garners interest in the music and the ladies themselves, but it didn't satisfy me. It just sort of whet my appetitite, which may have been the point. The Runaways were short lived and saw much of their success overseas, but it also consisted of five kick ass, talented woman. The movie chooses to focus on two- Jett and Currie (and moreso on the latter).

Acting-wise, there are some pretty interesting performances. I say interesting because I think Kirsten Stewart functions better as a supporting player than an actual lead. When I think of all the things I've liked her in (Into the Wild, In the Land of Women), she hasn't been the lead. Dakota Fanning finally successfully sheds her little girl image with the role of Currie (unlike her finger licking role in The Secret Life of Bees). I think she made an excellent lead and was at times on the cusp of greatness but never quite delivered, which is why I don't foresee a nom. This could've been due to unfamiliarity with that particular lifestyle or the somewhat "underdevelopedness" (if that's a word) of the entire pic. Still, it's engaging, and I never felt bored albeit unsatisfied with the ending. The band's breakup for me seemed to have come out of nowhere.

The director is as provocative as the women she brings to life on film. The shot she chooses to open the film with sets the tone perfectly. The era seems authentic, and the mixture of bright, dingy colors create a stunning visual backdrop amidst the sex, drugs, and rock. The band's performances are stellarly captured with some strong vocals delivered by both Stewart and Fanning.

Overall, I think this film will surprise people but may prove to lite for fans more familiar with the band, its history, and music. However, I think that if you aren't familiar with The Runaways, by the film's end, you'll be a fan. 6 out of 10 stars.

Movie Night: Say Anything

2009-08-04T11:06:00.000-07:00

Say Anything has been on my "to watch" list for some time despite I'm not a terribly huge fan of John Cusack. I like him in certain things, but I think his talent is limited. That or he's type casted at this point. I didn't love Say Anything, which was surprising to me to be honest. It's always been greatly revered in my company of friends, and who can forget the infamous shot of John Cusack standing outside with a boombox over his head, playing some love song for the love of a woman he so desperately seeks to get back. It's a classic case of my own expectations and ideas ruining a film.

Say Anything is an 80s movie, which there are great ones. These are the ones that help me overlook their grainy, washed-out picture, bad hairdos, and clothing styles. Written and directed by Cameron Crowe- a personal favorite of mine-, I expected this film would be of the same caliber as Breakfast Club or Pretty in Pink. But it was odd.

Let's start with Lloyd's obsession with Diane. Final days of high school, he takes up a fascination with her. She's referred to as "a brain trapped in the body of a game show host". I know attraction can come out of nowhere, but it seems unfounded here. Supposedly, they'd hung out in a group together at a mall, which is a scene I felt shouldn't have been missing from the story. I get being in love with the pretty, popular girl, and I give Crowe credit for not making her typical, for giving her more layers by making her a beautiful, sheltered, smart daddy's girl. But there's something unbelievable about her to me. Maybe it's that she's not a cliche, and Cameron was treading some thin lines here.

Lloyd seemed a little one dimensional to me. He's your typical guy in love with a girl too good for him who doesn't know what he wants out of life or what to do other than the girl. There's not much depth to him, which I felt I would've appreciated and understood this movie a lot better if there had been. Sure, he's funny and charming- playing with the nephew, kick boxing. It's not his looks that get him the girl, but for someone with the world at her feet, like Diane, I can't imagine her settling with an unambitious man, like Lloyd. Summer romance, maybe? Lifelong partner? Doubtful.

And then there's the side story with Diane's dad who's embezzling money from the retirement home he runs. What a curveball in a romantic story! I know this is what makes it stand apart from other films of its kind, but I didn't care for it. For me, it was an out of place storyline for the genre. Kudos to Crowe for being daring, but I can't help but to think a writer of his talent could've come up with something better. It's one thing to avoid a cliche, but to go that extreme was a bit jarring.

The film's big gesture- the scene I mentioned earlier where Cusack stands outside with the boom box over his head- fails. It doesn't bring the girl back to him. At least, not initially, so it comes off as a wasted effort almost with great cinematic potential. I know people want their realism in films, but I think we're also forgetting the reason we go to movies. It's because shit like that doesn't work. We pay to see it work on film and that it didn't was greatly disappointing to me.

Still, Cusack's charming, and the supporting cast includes a young Jermey Piven, which can be a plus or minus. There's some great dialogue thrown in there too. Lloyd's conversation at the dinner table with Diane's father and family? (friends?) where he tells them when prompted with the question of what he wants to do that he basically doesn't want to sell, buy, or produce anything is hilarous. And I didn't know it was Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes" Lloyd chose to play outside Diane's window. I kind of dig that song.

So while I didn't enjoy Say Anything as much as High Fidelity, I sort of understand why it's liked, and I apologize for commenting during it Mystery Sciene Theater 3000 style.

2.5 out of 5 stars. It almost got a three just for referencing its title in the movie. I can't help but to think though that if you could mesh this with the concept of I Love You, Beth Cooper (minus Hayden Panetierre), you'd have a more solid film.

Prey Chapter 1

2009-07-30T08:13:00.000-07:00

I'm dreaming the sounds and aromas of an unfamiliar surrounding. I'm outdoors on top of wet ground; the water, I assume, from an early rain or morning dew. Scattered beams of sunlight warm my face.

Raising my arms with my palms forward, I take my first steps, dig my toes into the earth. Fear of where I'm stepping is absent in my dreams. After all, I could make this setting more familiar almostly instantly. I can do that when I'm aware I'm dreaming. I could make this space home even, but the novelty of it hasn't worn off yet.

I make contact with several trees and determine my location is a forest, which explains the unconcentrated sunlight. My skin catches a breeze that lifts my hair from my face.

I don't know why, but I like it here. But a sudden involuntary bodily jerk brings me to conscious, removing me from this newfound place of comfort.

I sit up in bed and remove the hair from my eyes, which I'm told are grey. I've often wondered if they're an attractive feature with my unmanageable curly, brown hair.

I've been described as tall and thin. I've picked up some muscle over the years, but I have no idea how proportionate I look. I imagine I'm in decent shape. I'm on the varsity swim team at my high school.

I've often wondered if I'm attractive in general. I've never dated, which is one way attractiveness is validated, I suppose, but, I've never really wanted to date. In my mind, it just produces another person who feels they have to take care of me, and I've been fighting my mother on that front for years.

I throw back the covers, climb out of bed, and tug at my boxers. They always rise when I sleep. I'd go nude if it weren't for my unpredictable mom. I hit the alarm button just as she walks in. She never fails to knock, and I have to turn my back to her because I've definitely got a classic case of morning wood.

"Oh, you're up!"

She's, of course, suprised, which I don't quite understand since neither she or my alarm clock have been necessary in getting me out of bed the past three, if not four, years.

I pick up a towel from a nearby waste basket and place it around my waist.

"I know it's your house, but you should knock before coming in here. I'm a teenage boy. I need some semblance of privacy."

"Kellan, I wash your clothes and sheets. I'd know what happens in this room even if I did knock."

She's carrying laundry, which everything's folded- a task I'm perfectly capable of performing, that she herself modified to indicate colors just so she could continue.

She sits the basket down on my bed. I can hear her pull out drawers to put things away. It frustrates me she won't let me take care of the things I can handle.

"I guess I'll go shower", I hint.

"I'll be out of here when you get back," she continues.

I prepare to walk out, exiled from my own room when she grabs me. I'm held in place by her small yet surprisingly cold hands.

"So...first day of your Senior year?" I detect a smile on her face, and I nod. Just because she's excited doesn't mean I have to be. "It happens so fast. Try to enjoy it."

And I don't know why I ask this, but I do. It's not like I'm deaf. I know they've been arguing, that they've all but filed for divorce. But for some reason, the words escape my mouth, and I immediately regret asking, "When's dad coming back?"

There's a slight hesitation before she says, "I don't know." I've probably ruined her day with that question; her smile, now gone. But she makes it her business to know what's going on in my life. And it often results in my embarassment. Still, I wish I hadn't of asked. No matter how much I'd like to know what was really going on with them, I'd never want to cause her pain.

I quickly kiss her on the cheek and thank her for the laundry then head to the bathroom to shower.

Prey Epilogue

2009-07-29T12:47:00.001-07:00

I'm not like other boys. I never had a chance to be normal, which is a conclusion I came to long before I met him. I remember when he first said to me what he was, how I had failed to laugh because his sudden presence in my life had already left me short on skepticism.

He did it right in front of me. Not that I could witness it with my own two eyes. I have a slight handicap when it comes to vision- an understatement really as I'm blind. But I could hear the changes, his bones crack. I could tell he controlled his breathing to detract from his pain. He was used to screaming, but he didn't want to scare me. It was undoubtedly a horriffic undertaking for him.

I should probably tell you that stranger things have happened to me prior to this one occurence. I haven't had sight for the seventeen years I've been alive, but since my initial contact with him, he has somehow provided me with all five senses. I see not from my own perspective but his.

I had to learn to control it. It took me awhile to get used to. I didn't understand it. Neither did he, at first. But it's one of the benefits of our symbiosis. It is a bond neither of us can break. It protects me, most of the time, and keeps me from aging. It also designates me his prey.

I'm all too aware the trouble I'm in by "choosing" a life with him, but it would've been impossible to forge one without him. His curse has always dictated our destiny. It is a fate we've prolonged but not defied.

I know he'd sooner take his own life than take mine. I know all his secrets, and while we've never talked about this or my inevitable impending death, he has already sought a means in which to follow me.

Movie Night: The Princess Bride

2009-07-27T10:46:00.000-07:00

The Princess Bride is an enchanting film full of romance, comedy, and great adventure. It is the story of Westley and Buttercup- two starcrossed lovers separated by tragedy and reunited in comedy.

This is another film adaptation of a great book of the same name that manages to maintain a recognizably large portion of the book's humor intact. Because it is an adaptation, it is set up quite cleverly using a sick child (a young and adorable Fred Savage) and his grandpa who reads the two lovers' story, portrayed by Cary Elwes and Robin Wright (now Penn) respectively.

Westley is a handsome, young farm hand on Buttercup's family farm. He falls in love with the beauty and expresses this by complying to her every demand. Even to the less desirable ones, he never fails to say to her, "As you wish." Eventually, Buttercup, too, falls in love with Westley, but Westley has no means of supporting a wife. So he sets out to garner a fortune in which they could live comfortably as husband and wife. Unfortunately, his ship is attacked by the Dreaded Pirate Roberts- a man notorious for leaving no prisoners. Buttercup becomes distraught at this news, and five years later, she allows herself to become engaged to Prince Humperdink- a man she does not love and who does not love her. He devises a plot to have Buttercup, now a princess, kidnapped and killed, leaving the blame for a neighboring nation he wishes to war with.

Buttercup's captors are a trio- a rather humorous group comprised of a self proclaimed Sicilian genius, a giant (portrayed by wrestler Andre the Giant) named Fezzik, and a talented swordsman bent on revenge named Inigo Montoya whose name you will surely remember. It's a part of the story. The latter two wish to cause no harm to the princess; however, Vizzini, the Sicilian, is a man of logic and reason. He looks at the princess as nothing more than a job waiting to be completed to collect payment.

Fortunately, Buttercup is in luck. Her captors are being pursued by a mysterious man in black, later revealed to be her Westley, and after Westley defeats each of the men individually. Only one, of which, results in an actual death and ironically from a battle of wits no less since blade and strenth are the first blows of defeat delivered by Westley.

United after a comedic long tumble down a hill, he and Buttercup flee- the prince's men now in pursuit of them- into the forbidden forest where they encounter ROUS, or Rodents of Unusual Size and other perils, only to be captured by the prince's men on the other side.

Buttercup and Westley are once again separated, and the prince's true villainy is revealed. He commands Westley to be killed after promising the princess no harm would come to him, and the wedding resumes.

I won't get away the ending, but it's quite enthralling even after multiple viewings. Westley is a truly charming character full of charm and dashing wit. Cary Elwes brings him to life quite brillaintly.

The other characters are also loveable, maybe not as much as the book. I feel with maybe the exception of Inigo Montoya a few things got lost in translation, but The Princess Bride is both a staple of us 80s born childhood and an ambitious cinematic effort. It could definitely be better done judging from today's standards, but without Cary Elwes (and yes even the charm of its flaws including Andre the Giant's bad acting), why bother?

3.5 stars out of 5.

Were the World Mine

2009-07-22T06:01:00.001-07:00

This film was my original choice for movie night, and I decided to switch it out for High Fidelity because there was little interest in it. And I didn't want to force it on anyone.

This, of course, defeats the purpose of movie night, but since I'm passionate about this film, I thought it best to keep to myself to avoid inevitably defending it.

Here's my review.

Were the World Mine is by no means a perfect film. It is quite flawed in a number of areas from acting to dialogue to even story, but I love it for its ambition.

Set in a small town, it tells the story of a young gay male, our protagonist Timothy, who goes to an all boys preparatory school. Naturally, he's in love with the handsome, unattainable jock whose friends constantly harass Timothy because of his sexuality.

Were the World Mine quite successfully employs magical realism to push the narrative's story forward going between Timothy's fantasies and the spectacle of the musical the boys are required to partake as part of their curriculum- a musical adaptation of William Shakespear's A Midsummer Night's Dream.

If you're familiar with the play, fairies are responsible for transferring the affection of human lovers on to other people, thereby creating conflict and misery. Were the World Mine takes a similar approach were Timothy discovers the ingredients for cupid's love juice hidden in the text of the play given to him by his drama teacher. He then captures the object of his affection and sets about the town, changing it to reflect his perspective but not without his own errors. His, too, result in conflict and misery.

The film aims high but never quite strikes it mark. As I said earlier, I love it for its ambition. I personally would have liked to have seen more musical numbers, more complex choreography, and better delivered dialogue, especially after those stricken with the magic potion begin to speak in Shakespearean dialect, but everyone can at least sing, particularly Tanner Cohen who portrays Timothy. He is a wonder to behold in that aspect- both voice and presence powerful when he's in what I imagine to be his element.

By the film's end, free will has been restored, and all have supposedly learned something. But it's not quite clear as everything's resolved more or less in the last three to five minutes of the film.

Timothy does, however, get a happy ending. He ends up with the jock who's a sorely underdeveloped character for that particular ending, but you get the feeling everyone's a little more tolerant, which I suppose is the point of an LGBT film. But it still seems incomplete.

It's just that, for me, Were the World Mine was the most promising and commercial trailer for an LGBT film I've ever seen, and despite not quite living up to my expectations, it highlights creativity and inventiveness from an underrepresented minority in the film community.

3 out of 5 stars.

Quote worth mentioning: "I just woke up this morning with an extra skip in my step." - one of the townspeople under the influence of cupid's juice

Movie Night: High Fidelity

2009-07-22T05:26:00.000-07:00

If you're a fan of music, you will probably love this film. High Fidelity is a screen adaptation of British novelist Nick Hornby's title of the same name. The story centers around Rob Fleming, a record store owner, who we're introduced to right in the middle of his break-up with his long-time, live-in girlfriend Laura. This sparks Rob to recall his top five most memorable break-ups, and from there, hilarity pretty much ensues.

This film is not to be taken lightly though. It takes a very deep and meaningful look into relationships, challenging the idea that there's always something better around the corner than what we have. It's not so much about settling. It's about wanting and appreciating what you've got and just trying, and that's exactly what the main character learns throughout the course of the film.

Is he narcissistic? Yes. I would probably despise him in real life, but it's an endearing portrayal by John Cusack that makes him quite loveable and somewhat relatable. He's a poor schmuck who just hasn't figured it out, and by the end of the film, you get the impression that even if he hasn't, he will because he wants too.

Plus, there's a cameo from Bruce Springsteen. How amazing is that?!

Complete with a music lover's soundtrack and two amazing covers by Lisa Bonet (Peter Frampton's "Baby, I Love Your Way") and Jack Black (Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On"), High Fidelity plays like the ultimate mix with the songs you wished you would've thought before you clicked burn.

Amazing and a must see film! 4 out of 5 stars.

Life Update with Yours Truly

2009-07-15T10:38:00.001-07:00

It's been awhile since I blogged about going-ons in my life, so I figured it was high time I devoted a blog post to just that and not film reviews or So You Think You Can Dance.

I feel fine in general. I'm a little bored and anxious for some new adventure. I had hoped that would be grad school, but at the moment, I'm here for at least another year. I got a call last week from a representative at Chapman who asked that I send a PDF of my screenplay, so we'll see. I keep thinking though that even if I got in, it'd be somewhat impossible to prepare for that move at this time. I mean, it's mid-July now.

I'm still working at UNC-Charlotte. I don't love it, and I try not to hate it. It's really a sweet gig, but I'm just slightly more ambitious than what it has to offer currently. I have thought about applying for other positions at the school, so I may end up doing that. I don't want to leave necessarily. I'd just like a little more of a challenge and more interesting/engaging position.

I'm not a 100% sure I want to do films. It's the only area I've recognized a hint of passion present, but I fear turning 30 and being nowhere with it not to mention broke when I know I want to start a family someday. And I enjoy nice things. I want to possess some luxury and afford to travel and stress less over finances. I thought about talking to my boss's boss to help me explore some career opportunities given I have a bit of experience in residential living that could also transfer over to student affairs. These would be be better paying positions and present opportunities for advancement I currently don't have.

I have no one to pine over at the moment. Sometimes, I miss this, but then, I realize just how awful I feel when the inevitable fall out happens. Fortunately, I'm recovering from the last several, kind of all at once. It's interesting. I feel I'm achieving what I wanted to from the start, and that's moving out without the hate. I acknowledge that each and every one of my former flames were an important part of my life, but that is all in the past. And I actually want to look forward to find someone who might actually like or love me. So they're all stuck in their time and have their significance. And that's where I'm learning to keep them.

I'm learning to not want a relationship so badly. For one, I see how much effort they are with my friends'. They hardly seem as interesting as movies make them out to be, but I'm still intrigued. I know I possess the capacity to love, and it's something I want to explore with another. It's the adventure I suppose.

I've developed a late crush on Michael Bienh. You might remember him as Kyle Reese from The Terminator. He fathered John Connor. I think as the character alone he's sexy. There's something about a scarred man from the future who battles machines and travels across time for you. It's no surprise I also dig the more recent revisit of the character portryaed by Anton Yelchin in Salvation who I would honestly like to marry. He is too cute.

I've become obsessed with this show Queer As Folk. It used to come on Showtime, and it's LGBT centered, which is amazing. You don't see a lot of that representation, and although the sex is pretty graphic and sometimes makes me blush among other things, it's a really neat show. Good characters, funny dialogue, and interesting storylines. It's a good representation of a community I really know little about but at times mirrors some of my own personal experiences. Some.

I'm trying to get back into the gym. My biggest problem, cliche as it sounds, is committment. All I need to do is tell myself what I need to do and actually do it. I'm totally capable of this. Yet six months later when I'm at the store struggling to find clothes I like that actually fit me, I wonder why I haven't lost weight. I have seriously got to get it together. Maybe I should just go shopping every weekend as a reminder. I just don't want to spend the rest of my 20s as a fattie nor cause any health complications later down the road.

I have the same problem with saving money. I actually do pretty well here. I just don't make enough to save much given my expenses and current debt (primarily student loans and one credit card), but that problem could potentially be solved too. I feel guilty when I splurge, which to be honest needs to happen occassionally; otherwise, I'm not reminded of why I'm working. It just can't be bills for me. The problem is I really don't make enough. My car needs work. I need work, not like cosmetic surgery or anything like that, but I could probably use frequent trips to a therapist. I've decided to get contacts because my glasses have started to irritate me, and I have bad skin. Then, there's the gym membership to help me lose weight.

I don't feel like I'm throwing money to the wind save the speeding ticket I got two weeks ago. The only places I can see to cut fat would be eating out, which would help the weight thing potentially, and I honestly don't do that much to begin with but still probably more than I should.

Griffin introduced me to Flickchart, which is quite possibly the best movie rating system I've ever encountered. Instead of giving films ratings, you simply make the choice between two films which was better. I spent at least an hour and a half, possibly two doing that today. It's a lot of fun, but I don't think it's available to the masses yet. I think to join it's invitation only, so depending on who's interested, I'll try and hook you up.

Nathan is treating the house to Restaurant Week in Charlotte where you can go to a nice, upscale restaurants and have anywhere from a 3 course meal to a 5 depending on where you choose for just $30 bucks. I've always wanted to do it but never had the money or the company. I'd never do it alone, so the circumstances are quite sweet at the moment.

I've been listening to the music of Guster. I'd heard the name thrown around, and Nathan asked me last night if I'd be interested in going to their concert in October. I listened to a handful of there things on You Tube, and liked everything I heard. So I'm definitely going since Emily and John are scheduled to make an appearance there as well.

I haven't talked to my family in awhile. My brother ....ed me off the last time I talked to him. I ended up hanging up on him. He was giving me hell about my speeding ticket. He was, of course, mostly joking, but I didn't see much humor in it. I mean, it was my first ticket, and I was truly freaking out about it. I had the money to pay it, but I didn't want it on my record. I feared it would raise our insurance. I made it into this huge deal, which it sort of kind of is. I mean, you most definitely don't ever want one. But I just didn't want to listen to him egg me about something I was so upset and concerned about.

I just hate that he feels like we have nothing to talk about, so he resorts to picking on me, which unintentionally makes me feel bad because I already know I ....ed up. I just wanted to fix it, and he just wasn't very helpful in that process. It's a complete reversal in roles for us because he's usually the one ....ing up, but I don't egg him. Maybe he just liked that for once he wasn't the one ....ing up, but it was still rude for him to do me like that. I'm hardly the perfect anything, much less son.

I'm writing again. It's fun. I'm taking what I've learned from the books I've been reading and feel like I'm applying it to my work now. I'm also taking Lissa's advice and just writing, which has been a lot of fun considering I've been in development hell for some time. The story I'm working takes a Greek myth approach with the origins of werewolves and has a main character who is blind (not the werewolf 'cause that'd be silly although silly might be unavoidable here considering the difficulty the protagonist will have trying to escape a werewolf at night in a forest). It may never get sold, and if it does, I'll more than likely have to re-edit to make it more marketable. But for now, it's just me telling a story I'd like to play out on the big screen.

Speaking of which, I'm excited to see New Moon- the second installment of the Twilight series. It'll be awful I'm sure, but Eric has to come, which already makes it a million more times fun because he's probably going to enjoy it even less than me.

I'm kind of interested to see how I'm going to handle Michael moving out and away. On the one hand, he's spent so much time away already that I can't see it being that much of a difference, but we haven't been separated long-term since the summer of '04. I wonder if we could make a VH1 reality show out of this.

Well, that is certainly enough for now I think. Time to go use my energy pack in Mafia Wars on Facebook.

Movie Night: The Dresser

2009-07-14T05:53:00.001-07:00

Borrowing from Family Guy here, I'm going to try to give this film a "compliment sandwich" where I say something good followed by something bad and then something good once again.

Something good, something good. I like that it centered around a group of traveling Shakespearean actors. There was a lot of focus on what happens backstage during a performance, and having done that type of work myself during a run of A Prayer for Owen Meany at PlayMaker's at UNC-CH, I really appreciated how accurate (though outdated) that portrayal was.

Um, something bad. I didn't care for this film. That, of course, is not fair to Bryant, but the fact of the matter is I very rarely enjoy plays. They run too long. I often don't get what's taking place in front of me because it's all dialogue.

I'm more of a musical kind of guy because of the spectacle and songs. Musicals are just more colorful to me, but plays are often dull, lifeless creatures to me, which is exactly how I felt about this film. Sure, they're exploring some interesting themes, but for me, at least, it gets lost in translation.

The Dresser is essentially a story about the title character Norman- a man who cares for the lead in the traveling acting troupe who also happens to be a curmudgeon played by Albert Finney. I believe the two have developed very high levels of co-dependency. The dresser might very well be in love with the old man; however, his affections don't seem to be reciprocated, which can be viewed as tragic since he's most definitely underappreciated. The dresser himself is a burgeoning alcholic, having to deal with the antics and deteriorating mind of his master, and I should care by the end when Sir (his master's name in the film) passes after giving presumably his best and last performance. But I don't. That's how likeable I found his character to be. In fact at one point, I was asking for his death because I just wanted it to end.

Uh, something good, something good. Norman, however, is a likeable character despite a few nasty tendencies, and you really have to admire his spirit and ability to bring things together. He really has a passion for the theater despite presumably not possessing the talent to be an actual performer. I found him to be somewhat relatable, having loved men that didn't reciprocate my feelings.

So while I definitely didn't like it, I can see some value in it, more possibly for others, just not myself.

1 out of 5 stars.

More SYTYCD

2009-07-10T07:43:00.000-07:00

So a couple of weeks have past since I last posted on the subject of So You Think You Can Dance. I watched this past Wednesday performances last night on DVR, and I have to say I'm glad we're finally getting down to the top 10 because the performances are just getting stronger and better from each competitor, particularly the girls.

Kayla is probably my front runner. Her performance with Kupono was probably the best I've seen all season. I believe the style was contemporary. I didn't take note during the rehearsal because at two hours, the show really has a lot of fat, and I decided to cut it by fast forwarding to the performances.

Theirs was absolutely breathtaking and heartbreakingly beautiful. Kayla really uses dance as a medium to communicate the emotion of the piece, and Kupono actually showed some talent here. I originally thought he deserved to go home much sooner than contestants like Jonathan, but he really proved me wrong and secured a place in my heart with this moving piece.

Another contestant that suprised me was Phillip who despite his charming personality and sexy big lips has been a bit of a disappointment to, I think, everyone. He and his partner Jeanine did the jive, and I just thought it was fantastic. I didn't know our resident popper had them in him. It was so fluid and kept with the beat. You could really witness his improvement as a dancer.

Sadly, he and Caitlin were kicked off last night, which to be honest I'm a little upset about. I think America and the judges got it wrong (although to be fair I didn't watch their solos). I think it should've been either Randi or Evan or Jason and Randi.

Randi and Evan have had some good performances, but they've been getting weaker and weaker since the top 20 performances began in my opinion whereas Phillip has shown improvement each week. He is a popper, yes, so it took him a minute to work it out of his system to make way for other styles, but he had the most potential to be of interest to watch in these next couple of weeks.

I like both Jason and Caitlin, and I really feel they both just got shafted with the choreography when everyone else seemed to be getting good shit. They're obviously terrific dancers, but they've either had bizarre or weak routines from their choreographers. It is possible they're not interesting performers, but I still think they're better than people believe Randi and Evan to be.

Now that we're down to the top 10, here are my thoughts on each remaining performer.

Kupono- really surprised me and hope he continues to. He's a strong competitor; however, I don't think he'll win.

Brandon- phenomenal; hasn't had a bad week yet.

Randi- overrated, I think. But she seems sweet. I don't think she has a chance of winning though.

Jason- potential has yet to be seen, but I believe it's there. Unlikely he'll win but cute as a button.

Evan- a disappointment honestly. I think he's stuck in his style and believe his brother should've been picked over him since he taught Evan choreography. He's a charmer though.

Janette- one of the top female contenders. Like her partner Brandon, she hasn't had a bad week either.

Jeanine- I think she's good. I just don't know how good. Her and Phillip were adorable together, and she had a strong solo the one time I saw her perform her style when she and Phillip were in the bottom three the first time. I could see her as a runner-up but not the title holder.

Ade- quite possibly Brandon's only competition for the males although lately I haven't seen him do a lot of dancing. Just a lot of lifting Melissa. I fear this may hurt him, so I hope they get him more active in the upcoming weeks.

Kayla- she's my top pick for the girls. She dances beautifully and with power and conviction. I really get the sense from her that dancing is her passion, and it's present in her performances.

Melissa- I also think she's overrated. I mean, classical ballet is not a very interesting style to me in her defense. However, she's had some good performances outside her style, so she's a good competitor, definitely.

At this point, my heart wants Kayla to win, but I think it may be Brandon.

Movie Night: Boogie Nights

2009-07-07T07:48:00.000-07:00

Let's see. Boogie Nights came out in '97, which would've made me thirteen. I remember catching the trailer for this film on some other movie my family had decided to rent, and I wanted to see it so bad. It has all things appealing to a thirteen year old male- porn, hip music, drugs, and violence, and if you're a gay thirteen year old male, which was the case for me, add Mark Wahlberg.

I was able to watch this film in my youth. I snuck it pass the parentals as I did most things they deemed inappropriate for me to watch, and I didn't take to it at first. I think this is mostly due to the fact I just wanted to see Marky Mark naked, but I revisited this film in college. And I dug it the second time around.

Maybe the complex story lines were easier to follow as an adult. Plus, when you're a kid, it's all too tempting to fast forward to the sex scenes where you miss the actual story, but Boogie Nights is a fascinating look into the porn industry of the mid and late-70s. Almost every character is based on an actual person from that industry/era, and it's so cool to have a director/writer like Paul Thomas Anderson who was really invested in this project. He does an incredible amount of research with each of his stories, and it really pays off. His films are like small history lessons in some rather interesting subjects of Americana.

Boogie Nights has an ensemble cast, which includes some of Hollywood's biggest names- past (Burt Reynolds), present (Julianne Moore and William H. Macy), and future (Heather Graham, Don Cheadle, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, and Wahlberg). The film is mostly told through the character of Eddie Adams later knowns as porn star Dirk Diggler, played by Mark Wahlberg. Though not a flawless performance, it is one of Wahlberg's most memorable and showcases his potential to be a relative actor. His transformation from a sweet, simple, innocent 17 year old boy with a large appendage into a coked out, washed up porn star is the performance that catapults stars into superstardom.

This film can truly be heartbreaking at certain moments, which makes it quite beautiful in my opinion. I love tragic characters, and this is a piece full of them where they're cleverly interwoven in their own decay.

A number of great tracking shots and a kick-ass soundtrack. Boogie Night is a 4 out of 5.

Away We Go

2009-07-01T08:11:00.001-07:00

After a couple of weeks waiting, Charlotte finally got Away We Go in a theater. I don't understand why it takes so long for us to get certain things (if we get them at all). Charlotte's a big enough city, right? I know I'm not the only one interested in critically acclaimed, art house films.

Anyway, Sam Mendes has easily become one of my favorite directors who also happens to be married to one of my favorite actresses Kate Winslet. I think what I like most about his pictures is his talent at capturing the mood and emotions of his films' characters through stunning visuals and a good soundtrack.

Away We Go is a story centered around a couple who are having their first child. The couple is portrayed quite brilliantly by John Krasinski and Maya Rudolph. Is it too much/early Academy to ask for a Best Actress nomination for Rudolph?

The characters Burt and Verona are looking for a place in which to raise said unborn child. They lose their original location after Burt's parents decide to move out of country, so they go on a journey across North America in search of an ideal place, which leads to self-discovery along the way obviously.

It's a bit of a cliche, yes, but it's done quite well. There's originality in this piece present in great dialogue and rich characters, and originality is something difficult to come by given this time of year. Away We Go is quite refreshing in that regard as well as funny. Viewers will no doubt love (and quite possibly hate at the same time) Alison Janney and Maggie Gyllenhall's characters.

It's just a film where everyone kind of just knocks it out of the park, and while I'll admit, I'm not exactly sure Away We Go takes off or finishes off properly for that matter, I'm okay with it because I was satisfied with its poignancy.

4 out of 5 stars.

Movie Night: The Machinist

2009-06-30T06:04:00.001-07:00

I didn't care much for this film. I originally thought it was a Holocaust movie (not that I like those sort of films but because of the drastic weight loss Christian Bale undertook for the part), but it's a story about a character suffering from a year long case of insomnia, which is unrealistic. It kind of plays out like Memento meets Fight Club, which was how it was described to me. The character finds Post-its on his fridge he may or may not have left there because he seems to have trouble remembering things. I guess not sleeping in a year will do that to you, but the note's more of a game. It's hangman.

I admit this was kind of an interesting plot point, but I just didn't quite feel the payoff was big enough. With Memento, it's more of a whodunnit, and The Machinist is more of a whyareyou....ingwithme, which can be interesting if there's actually someone ....ing with you. I just felt Memento did a better job of confusing not only its characters' reality but ours as well, which was the point. I never had any doubt in The Machinist that Trevor (Bale's character) was somewhat insane.

The good thing though is I do feel for him, and when he finally confesses his sin- the reason he hasn't slept in a year and fot his disgustingly thin frame- I am happy he has found peace and sleep.

I found the music odd in this film. My fellow movie-goers tell me it was very Hitchcock-ian, but I thought it detracted from the film. It seemed more fitting in a quirkier setting than something this dark.

The Machinist is probably a good film, just not my cup of tea. But you have to admire Bale's dedication to this role.

2.5 out of 5 stars.

Year One

2009-06-29T06:38:00.001-07:00

I normally try to decide how I feel about things for myself, but maybe I'll start listening to the general public who decided not to see this film and the critics who panned it.

There was nothing enjoyable about Year One. It was odd and not in a quirky art house kind of way. I think it was a neat idea (a historic parody), and the casting I initially thought would be great. But Cera or Black don't have much comedic duo chemistry. No one's funny, which is unbelievable to me since a good majority of these people are comedians or comedic actors.

The editing is awful, which is quite possibly due to the hard rating this film supposedly had originally that was toned down to a PG-13 to appeal to a wider audience. But there's a scene, for example, where Cera's character has a menacing snake wrapped around his neck. And the next cut has him and Black sitting around a camp fire at a village party sans the snake where we're left kind of wondering how he got out of his predicament.

The humor was childish. It attacked religion and did so in a way that wasn't clever.

It almost seemed like this film was meant to be terrible, which is disappointing because a number of good movies quite possibly could have been made for the cost of this one.

It was seriously like watching a student film with a big budget and big name actors. The potential existed but somehow went untapped, probably because the idea just wasn't a solid enough idea to warrant a feature film.

Extremely disappointing. 0 out of 5 stars. This should not have been made.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

2009-06-26T06:37:00.000-07:00

Let me begin by saying I thought the Transformers sequel was awesome. I liked the action. The plot wasn't as bad as I had anticipated (a bit of a stretch maybe, but I like that the robots have a history with Earth prior to the first film).

Megan Fox is still very much hot, but you knew that already. Isabel Lucas- not so much in my opinion. She looked kind of weird, but maybe there's a reason for that given her character.

Shia Labeouf does a good job in this one. There's still a lot of him running with a very wanted object, but it's a lot less, "No, no, no, no"'s.

I'm kind of jumping on the Shia bandwagon here, but I think he's actually talented. He's both charming and funny, has good comedic timing, and strong delivery. I believe his acting was significantly better in this one. I mean, it's a summer movie, but he showed growth for me. I'm not sure I could like him as a person though, which for the sole purpose of entertainment works in his favor.

So the things I like about this movie were the action as I mentioned above. It's more shit exploding, more robots, big battles, and they're wicked hot. The picture moves for the most part, which is good given it's runtime is just shy of 3 hours.

Some characters you like. Others, you don't, like Sam's conspiracy theory roommate who got way too much screentime for not knowing who the hell he was. I wonder if that was originally Jonah Hill's role although I can't really see him running as much as they ran in this film.

The most controversial are the twin hatchback transformers people are deeming racist. I was put off by these characters 'cause they were annoying moreso than I found them racist. I do think they played off stereotypes, but I'm not sure if they were specific to Blacks. They're definitely rooted in what some consider to be a piece of Black culture, but at this point, I'm not exactly sure I would call them caricatures because there is an interest in that aspect of Black culture by other races for reasons other than exploitation, which may or may not have been the case here but probably the case by way of ignorance as opposed to intent.

But these characters were annoying to me because I don't particularly find that type of humor in movies funny. I like mine to be a bit more clever than what these characters were meant for. I mean, one of the voice actors for the Twins also voices Spongebob Squarepants, which I happen to enjoy but don't necessarily want in my Transformers movie.

Character development was a bit lacking in this. I submit examples Tyrese Gibson (who I still find laughable as an actor with his awful delivery), Josh Duhamel, and the Autobots save BumbleBee and Optimus Prime. They're all still the same people/beings pretty much, which is the point of a sequel- familiarity with the characters. But they hardly get any screen time.

It felt very much to me like the writers didn't know what to do with these characters. I think there were just too many to give them personality or room to grow. So they either sacrifice them to quick deaths or don't change them with the exception of Sam's mom. I think they went a little overboard with her, but again, that's just not the type of humor I appreciate.

I didn't really think this movie was appropriate for young kids who will no doubt want to see it. There's a lot more swearing than I remember in the first one, and some of the humor is a bit adult in content. The violence is a little over the top but made enjoyable since most of it is robot on robot.

Putting the flaws aside, Revenge of the Fallen is a great summer movie with great special effects and riveting action.

3.5 stars out of 5.

Movie Night: Wild Hearts Can't Be Broken

2009-06-23T05:35:00.000-07:00

Finally, movie night became what I had hoped it would become with Becca's choice Wild Hearts Can't Be Broken.

WHCBB is a story about a young woman named Sonora who has dreams of becoming a horse diving showwoman. Her parents have passed, leaving her and her younger sister on a farm with her aunt. Sonora is a dreamer, and this unfortunately causes conflict between her and her aunt who decides to give her away to the State after Sonora gets into some trouble at school. This leads Sonora to run away and join a traveling show where she is introduced to Doctor Carver and his son Al. Al becomes Sonora's love interest, which I must admit is a little awkward considering Sonora's youthful appearance, particularly in the first act. Then again, this is a) the South and B) Depression era America.

Sonora, herself, is a wonderful character. I feel the actress that portrayed her did a fairly decent job. No, she's no Meryl Streep, but you really believe in the character. She's very likable, and she very much embodies the spirit of the films title.

WHCBB has quite a bit of cheese, but it appeals to the romantic inside of me. It's very much a chick flick. The idea seems apparent since the horse gets top billing, but it's worth viewing if you can get past the lackluster cinematography the director neglected. Visually, it could have been better. They were no doubt filming in some beautiful locations. I also think the potential use of a lense filter detracted from the film. I believe this was a stylistic choice made to achieve an old, Depression era look, but it desaturated the colors too much for me.

What especially made this viewing fun though was a couple of things actually. One, I had already seen it years ago. I remembered very little about it though, and it's interesting to watch things you liked as a kid as an adult. Two, it was fun to pause and comment on the film, and three, you could really tell that Becca was into it. It was like seeing her as a child, which I missed since I didn't grow up around her. And that was cool.

So the movie gets a 3 but the entire experience a 5. I think it's the best film we've watched since we began movie night.

Good job Becca!

Movie Night: Monty Python's The Meaning of Life Plus 2 Other Reviews

2009-06-16T06:51:00.000-07:00

I'm going to start by saying Monty Python humor is very hit or miss with me. I loved the Holy Grail. Hated Life of Brian. They're now 1 and 2.

Meaning of Life in one word was just strange. Bizarre even. It begins in an office where the workers take over the building, which becomes a pirate ship. The workers become pirates, and they force, presumably, their boss to walk the plank. They then attack another corporate building, which is quite fantastical (a plus) but random (minus?).

The film is cleverly divided into chapters like a novel, and there is a musical number on the sacredness of sperm as well as a demonstration of how to perform sex. These were the film's highlights for me. After that, the picture became RIDICULOUS to follow, which is typical for Monty Python films. It's absurdist humor. British absurdist humor, which is very different from what I normally consume given my American sensibilities and generation.

Somehow though, the filmmakers do tie every random vignette together, which is either brilliant or tacky. I can't decide. The ending is still a big WTF! But there are boobies.

2 out of 5 stars and ???

FYI: I've now gone to a 5 point scale when rating movies. I recently came to the conclusion it's the best way to rate films for me as I generally like or dislike something, so if I start from a three with the film being average, I only need two points of variation to praise or condemn it.

UP gets 3 out of 5. I wanted to like it given all the praise it's received from critics and friends, but I have to say I was disappointed with this one Pixar. The first fifteen minutes though sad provide an incredible set-up, but the events that follow didn't provide a big enough pay off for me. Also too short.

The Hangover gets 3.5 out of 5. I won't give 1/2 very often, but I wanted to indicate I enjoyed this more than UP. There's some unnecessary and undesirably nudity in this one, and it's essentially a more adulterated Dude, Where's My Car where the car is actually the dude. But it's a hell of a lot more fun. Check out Stu's song from the film.

Down to One

2009-06-16T05:56:00.000-07:00

Second rejection letter is in (CSU-Northridge), which leaves me with only one more school my hope now resides in- Chapman. And it doesn't look good seeing how I met the priority deadline of Feb. 1. It's now June 16, and I've been visiting this site studentfilms.com where they have an online forum designated specifically for Chapman admissions news. And acceptances are being handed out.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't taking any of this news hard. I haven't worked this hard towards something in a really long time, and to feel like I've failed (which I know I still have one more school out there), it's really been tough on me emotionally. I'm trying to be resilient to prevent a defeatist attitude, but I honestly don't know if I want to go through the admissions process again. I know for certain I'm not ready to this year, but I hate the thought of taking another year off.

The strange thing is the graduate coordinator offered me two choices. One, I can defer my application until next year for Fall 2010 admission, or I can change my focus from screenwriting to be considered for something else, which seems useless to me since that's the only Master's program of theirs I'm interested in. It's both confusing and frustrating. I'm going to have to e-mail him. It might sting less if this weren't a flat out no, but it's a no nonetheless when I want to hear yes.

Movie Night: Punch Drunk Love

2009-06-09T06:21:00.000-07:00

This week's pick for movie night was Punch Drunk Love starring Adam Sandler. For those that hate Sandler because of his usual schtick might find themselves enjoying this film. I, however, did not. Don't get me wrong. I love when actors challenge themselves, and for that, I give Adam Sandler some mad cred. But I just didn't care for this film, directed by Paul Thomas Anderson who I generally like. I totally dig that he's a writer and director, which are also my aspirations, and I've enjoyed a good majority of his films from Boogie Nights to There Will Be Blood. I even liked Magnolia- strange as it was. But Punch Drunk was just painfully slow. And it just didn't feel like it had a point. It was strange but lacked the humor of movies it reminded me of like Burn After Reading and The Big Lebowski.

There were definitely neat things about it. Sandler's performance in this is the closest he's ever come to acting, and there are a number of well-framed shots. The music adds to the quirkiness of the piece, so there is a distinct mood that's present and painted well via that, the characters, their dialogue, and the dingy lighting. From a technical standpoint, I think it's brilliant. I suppose it was just the story that was lacking for me. It made love seem boring. The characters weren't interesting, which is unfortunate because they seemed to be the driving force behind the picture, but I don't really feel like I understood them or the emotions that drove their actions. Still, it's neat to have seen but not one of my favorites.

No Doubt with Paramore

2009-06-08T11:14:00.000-07:00

This weekend I saw No Doubt and Paramore in concert, and it was awesome. Originally, I just had lawn tickets, but thanks to my friend Carolyn, I got upgraded to VIP, which is really sweet if you ever get the chance to partake. Verizon, at least, gives you a box, and you can kind of just chill with your friends and order food and drinks.

Parking alone is enough to warrant VIP. It took us very little time from exiting the concert to getting to our car that we were able to avoid getting stuck in traffic on the way home. I felt spoiled. I don't know if I can ever go back to lawn seats. I mean, there were still closer seats than our VIPs, which was kind of odd to me since I wasn't necessarily front and center with the band, but I could see their faces. I've never sat that close to a big performing act.

But enough about VIP. I want to talk about the concert itself.

Both Paramore and No Doubt are excellent live performers. They have a lot of energy, and they cater to the fans unlike some bands like Counting Crows who want to play their freakin' rareties and b side material. I'm sorry, but that's not what I paid for. I paid to hear your more popular songs- the ones that made you famous and made me a fan, which neither Paramore or No Doubt disappointed there.

Paramore began their set with "Misery Business", which I love. Their set included a few songs I hadn't heard since I don't own an album (legally or illegally), but they played everything I wanted to hear- "Crush, Crush, Crush" "That's What You Get" and "Decode" from the Twilight soundtrack, which despite it being associated with the disappointment that film was is a good song. And I have to say I'm impressed with live performers that actually sing. Paramore's lead singer had great vocals, and she was fun to watch. I kept thinking to myself, "This is one cool chick." I predict big things for this band. In fact, they remind me of the band they were opening for although different musical styles.

Speaking of musical styles, I really like No Doubt's. They're like a cross between rock, ska, and punk. Their sound is really unique, fresh, and fun. It's easy to see why this band became famous. When they took the stage, each walked up behind a white sheet where we could only see their silhouettes, and when the sheet dropped, they were all wearing these matching white outfits. Their set was simple but interesting. It was composed of a white circular beam where at the top middle of the beam sat the drummer and to the right and left of him where the keyboardists/other vocalists/horns, and at the bottom where Tony, Gwen, and the guitarist. There was a projection screen behind them that played various clips from music videos and road diaries.

They immediately jumped into "Spiderwebs" from Tragic Kingdom, and the crowd went wild including myself. I didn't think I'd sing along, but I couldn't help myself. This is really a band that's a crowd pleaser because their set included all of their biggest hits from "Running" to "Bathwater" to "Ex-Girlfriend" to "Don't Speak" to "Simple Kind of Life" and many, many more. I was more than pleased.

Gwen had about two costume changes, and I loved everything she wore. The woman's got some great style, and don't let me get started on her abs. She just had a baby! She is the definition of cool as far as I'm concerned. She's gorgeous. She makes great music with the band and on her own. She's married to Gavin Rossdale (who's yummy). She's a mother to two beautiful kids. She's not caught up in a lot of tabloid drama. None really. You know, I never understood the fuss with my fellow gays over Madonna. But Gwen Stefani is totally my idol. I can't think of a cooler woman other than my mom who I've met. Gwen, on the other hand, I have not, so let's put on the "to do" list.

Below are the rankings of the concerts I've been to thus far.

1. No Doubt with Paramore
2. Sufjan Stevens
3. Linkin Park
4. Better than Ezra
5. Counting Crows with Maroon 5

Movie Night: Hell Ride

2009-06-02T11:45:00.000-07:00

Some of my friends and I have decided to start a movie night where we rotate every week who gets to choose the film we watch, and following the viewing, we all post a review of the film on our blogs.

I kicked us off with Hell Ride, and it was a very poor choice on my part. I don't claim to have the best taste when it comes to movies. I'll watch pretty much anything, but I don't buy shit. So if you look at my collection, you'll see I'm pickier than I seem. But I chose Hell Ride because I was in the mood for something action packed. Plus, Tarantino had a hand in this, and I am a fan boy when it comes to him.

Anyway, here's my review.

Tarantino is Gucci, and Larry Bishop's film Hell Ride is like a Gucci knock-off. Employing a signature trademark of Tarantino's, Bishop's use of the broken narrative just makes his film unwatchable and confusing. There are no strong female leads in this picture. Instead, women are depicted as nothing more than just asses and tits to look at. Pointless nudity. Bland, non-stylised violence (that's also pointless). The best two things about this film are David Carradine's brief appearance and the retro soundtrack, which Tarantino no doubt had a hand in as an executive producer. Still, it amazes me he gave this film his stamp of approval considering the piss poor dialogue, underdeveloped characters, and plot, which centers around two rival biker gangs. It's a revenge story that makes little sense once you realize it took the protogonist 30 years after the murder of the woman he loved to go after the men that wronged him. This film is an epic fail in the action genre of which there is little of in it. Borrowing from the quotes of American Idol's Simon Cowell, this movie was "complete rubbish" and "self-indulgent nonsense".

And proof Michael Madsen's career is over.

Nameless

2009-05-29T08:25:00.001-07:00

Because I haven't been in the mood to work on screenplays, I wanted to try my hand at songwriting. I used to write when I was little when reality hadn't settled in yet, and I wanted to be a singer. Unfortunately, my voice isn't great, and I never felt anything I wrote was any good. Plus, I wanted to do pop, which I'm more into singer/songwriter, folk music now. I really dig Sheryl Crow. I know she's technically still pop, but I think she's a gifted songwriter. Her music can be both soul searching and fun, and she can play both guitar and piano, which I also have interests in.

So here's my debut- a song I call "Nameless".

there's a blinking cursor on my screen
and i'm wondering what you'd say to me
if you could
when you can

in a whirlpool of thoughts
my head sometimes aches
and it adds to the break
further advancing to rupture

oh, what was i thinking
where'd i go wrong
and could it be undone
could it be taken back

in these moments i wish
neither you or I were cowards
because silence it says and approves many things
but what exactly?

your distance has left me
with these burning questions
and endless suggestions
nothing brings comfort

no change is necessary
when still you'd remain
a rusted charm on a bracelet
a wrong turn that I made
a picture i struggle to fade

you're my nameless

The N Word

2009-05-25T05:34:00.000-07:00

So Friday night I went to a party with some friends we had all been invited to. I was having a good time until I heard this girl use the N word. She was White, which most of my friends are. She, however, was not a friend.

I do my best to feel comfortable and at ease in settings where I am a minority (which was the case Friday night) because I don't want give in to that kind of oppression. We're talking years to get comfortable with whoever's company I'm in, which still isn't perfect, but at that moment, I felt like all that had came undone with this girl's ignorance.

Now, I will say I didn't get the entire context, but what I heard was this: "I was playing with some n****r on the Xbox today."

Wow! I can't even give her the benefit of the doubt. Let's say she was recalling a joke. Well, it's still one that caters to a specific audience. Or maybe she had been in a situation where someone had used such unneccesary and offensive language and she was just commenting on the experience because she couldn't freely at the time. Why would you repeat it word by word?

I don't know what I would have done under normal circumstances, but fortunately (for once), I'd had a little liquid courage beforehand, and I was able to call her out. I stated that what she had said was inappropriate, and she said nothing.

Her friends tried to come to her defense, making such statements as, "I have black friends. I don't see color." and "I'm a c*****r." And all I can think to myself is none of this makes what your friend said okay. In fact, it just makes me even more uncomfortable and more convinced that you're all racist. Or at the very least ignorant f**ks.

Not one of them apologized. And I've never believed in appealing to "white guilt". But I was even more shocked to see it didn't exist in these people.

I understand that White people are tired of feeling guilty for their ancestors' actions, and while I'll take the progress we sometimes achieve from that, I'm tired of seeing it come from that place because I don't consider myself a Black person that lives in the past. I wasn't a slave. I've never been called a n****r. At least, not to my face. And sure, I've probably experienced discrimination and quite possibly full-on racism. But I've done a helluva good job at not being angry about that part of my history and my own experience as a person of color.

I made a choice a long time ago to exclude that word from my vocabularly. I don't use it. Not even jokingly with friends who are Black. And it baffles me as to what exactly made her think it was okay for her to use it any capacity, any context.

Immediately after that, my friends and I left, and we discussed it on the way home. They were as shocked as I was. We all kind of agreed that it wasn't the host's fault because he probably didn't invite that person. And I begrudgingly gave that to him because I want to like this guy. He's not exactly the most likeable guy, but I've been trying to warm up to him because he is gay, which I am also. I don't have a lot of LGBT friends, and I am actively seeking to make connections with the community.

But at the same time, my mom's always told me to be careful of the company you choose because it is a reflection on you. Well, turns out the girl is his roommate's girlfriend who doesn't even feel like she should apologize. Not that I would accept it at this point. It's a little too late for that. And I wouldn't want it if it weren't sincere anyway. So I'm conflicted. I mean, I've already decided I will never go back to his place, but knowing what I now know, I find it rather difficult to be friendly towards him or his roommate when they come over to my friend's, which is also where I happen to spend a lot of time.

I mean, how could you date someone like that? Whether she's racist, ignorant, or just plain inconsiderate, any of those things (take your pick) would be a deal breaker for me. When you're okay with that, what does that say about you?

I'm just completely put off with all three of them at the moment. That entire crowd actually. And I hope that if I have any friends from that group, they don't disappoint me.

Terminator Salvation Review (Contains Spoilers!!!)

2009-05-22T06:02:00.000-07:00

McG brings the fourth installment of the franchise to the big screen, and overall, I'd say he did well.

Things start off a bit slow in the beginning as we get the back story of the Marcus Wright character played by Aussie Sam Worthington. I have no issue with Sam's performance, but I didn't "get" the development of his character. He is on death row for murder- a mere minutes away from his execution actually, and Dr. Serena Kogan, played by Helena Bonham Carter- a personal favorite but essentially a waste of budget for this film given her on screen time, wants him to donate his organs for research. She offers him a second chance, foreshadowing a greater destiny that exists for him beyond death, and he very awkwardly accepts it with a seemingly unmotivated kiss and line: "So this is what death tastes like." Dr. Serena, herself, is dying of cancer. This is a scene that could've been more powerful and more meaningful, yet somehow just fizzled for me and seemed unnecessary, possibly due to its length and inability to provide enough information to warrant its existence. I understand why it's there, but I'm not exactly sure it needs to be. Marcus is executed with lethal injection, and we flash forward fifteen years into the future.

Judgement day has occured, and we're watching an unsuccessful raid of a Skynet facility. We get our first glimpse of Christian Bale's John Connor who is what I expected the John Connor character to be all along. But I think the franchise could've survived without him.

Anyway, we're reintroduced to the Marcus Wright character. He's one of several human bodies lying on a medical exam table, and there's no surprise with this character 'cause well we've seen the trailers. So we know he's a machine. And we also got that scene earlier. So we know he doesn't belong in this time. Connor loses contact with his on the surface. Some people die. John Connor survives after fighting a familiar Terminator model. The place is bombed by the machines. Marcus Wright emerges from the debris in the buff howling. Maybe a terminator or a lone human survior in shock? I wouldn't have known yet if the studio had kept this a secret.

On to Christian Bale, I mean, John Connor who is angry. He contacts the Resistance's headquarters, which is an underwater submarine, and I don't know if it's just me here. But I would have liked them to explain how a world ran by machines still allows them to use modern technology. The Resistance should be a lot more primitive, but I digress.

Connor's upset with headquarters. Despite being viewed as a prophet by many, he isn't in charge, but headquarters may have found a way to destroy the machines. They've discovered a frequency that in essence turns the machines off as long as the frequency is continuous and uninterrupted. This would give the Resistance the chance they need to finally destroy the robots and end the war. Red letter day, right?! Well, it hasn't been tested, and the Resistance (and maybe I missed it but...) is somehow running out of time. I think it has something to do with a list they intercepted from the machines, which consists of many of the Resistance's leaders being targeted in the upcoming days including Connor who's second with Kyle Reese, Connor's teenage father, first- a pretty decent dramatic revelation.

Back to Marcus Wright. He hijacks some threads from a fallen Resistance solider, makes his way into a demolished city where he runs into a Terminator. Kyle Reese and his young mute companion save him. Marcus asks what's happened to the world he once knew. Reese replies, "Judgement Day". Marcus camps out with them for the night and fixes a radio just in time to catch a transmission from John Connor. Movie magic folks.

I like Kyle Reese. He's a little cliched as a character. I mean, he cites the line, "Come with me if you want to live." But I like Anton Yelchin- the actor that portrays him. And I think he did a good job playing such an iconic character. I mean, at this point, any throwback to the original movies is going to be considered a cliched, but he could've made me groan. And he didn't. Well, maybe slightly, but the delivery and focus on it could've been worse. McG, the director, did well not to let those moments settle with the audience for too long.

Now, Reese wants to get up with Connor. The machines also know they're there, and Wright wants to go somewhere. Where exactly in this post-apocalyptic world he knows very little about? We're not sure, but damn it, he wants to be alone. He fixes a car and attempts to part ways with his extremely helpful companions, but the car's radio attracts some machine scouts. Now, who keeps the stations running in a post-apoclyptic world? I don't know, but there's still music. The song playing is apparently a song Marcus's brother used to like- the brother he killed for which he was presumably on death row for, but we don't get much back story on.

Anyway, together, the trio attempt to escape in the vehicle. Kyle's driving, but he doesn't know how. Classic, huh? Well, this frees up Marcus to aim a car wrench at the tailing machine, causing it to crash. Unfortunately, the damage has been done. The machines have ID'd Kyle Reese.

Back at Connor's Resistance base camp, they test out the frequency on a Terminator machine we haven't yet seen- a slithering, metallic snake-ish robot the frequency actually works on. Connor concludes they should test it on something bigger though. I didn't mention it earlier, but you see Common (brother to one of the fallen Resistance members in the raid) and Bryce Dallas Howard. She's Kate, John's wife, and pregnant. I can't remember if I knew that or not, but they don't do much with these two characters. I can only hope for a sequel where they play a bigger part because I like both of these actors.

So Marcus, Kyle, and mini-mute (no offense but I can't remember the character's name nor care to look her up on IMDB) continue driving but appear to be running out of fuel and stop at an abandoned gas station reminescent of the one Sarah Connor (Linda Hamilton who lends her voice to this installment via taped conversations to her son) departed from at the end of the original and discover human inhabitants. They are not part of the Resistance and fear their new arrivals will lead the robots to them, but their leader, a surprisingly attractive frost-haired, old lady shows them kindness by offering food to them. It is important to note Marcus does not eat. Terminator? Or human? Again, had we not known, this would have been an interesting scene. Unfortunately, it's interrupted because their fears are realized. The robots have come, and the humans they don't kill, they take prisoners. It's okay though. They weren't doing a good job of staying alive anyway leaving half-finished milk bottles out.

There is some great action here, and notably, two shots in particular that we've seen in the trailer but in their full length are even more awe-worthy. These shots are the motorcyle machines adjusting to avoid collision with falling debris in the roads, and a low camera angle of Kyle Reese, who I originally thought was John Connor in the trailer, fighting off the tailing machines with a shot gun/rocket launcher/whatever on the back of a moving truck. Cool shit McG.

Nevertheless, they are captured even with the Resistance's help, and Marcus takes a beating from the machines trying to save his two companions but ultimately fails. Finally, his character has a goal. He wants to save his friends.

He befriends a pilot from the Resistance played by Moon Bloodgood who's one helluva of a sexy woman. He acknowledges this goal to her, and she convinces him that the best way to help his friends is to come with her to their base camp where John Connor is located. I guess she didn't see the movie's trailer.

On their trek back to the base camp (a day or two, which is more than enough time for the machines to recognize Kyle Reese and destroy him), they come across more humans not aligned with the Resistance. They are a lot less kinder than those we encountered earlier and more self-interested. Bloodgood fights them off admirably, but Marcus beats the living shit out of them. Bloodgood is thankful. A little romance spark is ignited, and rightfully so because both are attractive people but ultimately inappropriate given the circumstances. She gets close enough to hear his heart. He has a heart. He can't be a machine, right? Well, if we didn't already know that.

I apologize for continuing to bring that up, but that is he/isn't he could've caused some great dramatic tension. I can't believe they opted not to use it. New Moon, the soon to be trashy Twilight sequel is doing a much better job of keeping its plot secret, and it's an adaptation.

They get to base camp. It's cleverly set-up as a magnetic mine field. Guess who sets one off? Insert footage from the trailer where you see Marcus being dragged in on a stretcher. Bales states, "You think you're human?" and unbuckles a chain for Marcus to look down at his human and metal parts. He screams.

Now that I think about it, movie trailers are single handledly spoiling and destroying the film going experience. They reveal way too much and often the best parts.

Marcus reveals Kyle Reese is a prisoner on transport to Skynet. I can't remember why he does this. It would seem he would be more preoccupied with this new, unsettling revelation, but he does.

Headquarters, in the meantime, wishes to launch its attack on Skynet, but Connor is torn because of the human prisoners Skynet has taken that now include his future father.

Bloodgood who should feel betrayed is magically inspired to go against everything to release Marcus because as she puts it, "I saw a man, not a machine." She takes a huge gamble, risking the survival of all humanity on the supposed enemy, which in war is just not realistic. Fortunately, Marcus is one of the good guys, and after an action-packed, dramatic escape in which Wright saves Connor, he offers to infiltrate Skynet for the Resistance. Bale growls, "What are you?!" Wright replies, "I don't know."

Well, he kind of finds out. He shows up at Skynet, which welcomes him with open doors despite the fact that in an earlier scenes neither of the robots recognized him and all attempted to terminate him.

Here's where it really gets confusing. Marcus essentially donated his body to science under the care of Dr. Kogan who's dead now. She didn't survive her cancer, but I don't get her connection to Skynet or how Skynet came in possession of Marcus's body or how they preserved it. Skynet somehow knows Marcus's memories, and the information concerning his past. But it was all kind of lost on me. Marcus was resurrected or either used to replicate tissue, organs, etc., and maybe he is the machine's next step in evolution. I believe this to be the case, but it wasn't clear. I will update this once I've seen it again if it makes more sense.

But Marcus rebels. This is the part in the trailer where he throws an object into a glass window in slo mo. He then assists Connor in getting the human prisoners out including Kyle Reese who was PUT IN A HOLDING CELL INSTEAD OF BEING TERMINATED ON SIGHT. The machines shoot a random prisoner climbing a fence in an attempt to escape, but they won't risk killing the man who will sire their greatest threat!

Arnold is back. Well, a digital recreation of him. Both Marcus and John are almost killed by him. It's a solid battle sequence but lacking in the horror genre tension that the original possessed, and the human win ultimately because the machines' were over confident.

Instead of killing off John Connor, which they so should have did he lives thanks to a donation from Marcus. Apparently in the future, you don't have to be determine if you're a match before a heart transplant, but those were just the problems I had with the film.

Overall, I enjoyed it and would recommend it despite the above criticism. No movie is perfect, and I think it's a step-up from 3 (not to mention that God-awful Wolverine movie). Seeing how Helena Bonhom Carter was in it, I think it would've been interesting to see her director husband Tim Burton direct. But McG did a good job. He provided a level of excitment throughout the viewing of the film, and the dramatic tension (or lack thereof) falls completely back on the script. It just seemed to me the writers didn't do a good job of building dramatic tension in the story, which I believe they had an excess of potential, or developing the characters, and the studio didn't do a good job of keeping the plot underwraps, which would've certainly made for a better film-going experience. But Terminator is certainly a high concept idea (mass market appeal, recognizable good and bad guys, a level of predicatability or familiarity), which increasingly becomes more and more the opposite with each outing given its sci-fi roots since everytime you revisit the franchise, the audience will ask more questions. Still, I would say I'm glad they did. 7 out of 10.

Juno is a Really Good Film...Go Watch It if You Haven't Already

2008-01-31T15:27:00.001-08:00

Okay, I hate to be Debbie Downer, but I am a little depressed. I just passed the two month mark of unemployment, and I'm getting no love from HR. I don't understand why it takes so long to find a job, but I've come to the conclusion that job boards such as Monster, CareerBuilder, and even Craigslist are not helpful.

When I began the job search while still employed at Hewitt, I was very tempted to tally just how many jobs I would apply to, but I thought against it seeing how that number would probably make me depressed. I supposed I should've went through with it seeing how it didn't prevent my depression, and it would've been amusing to know the actual number, which would have no doubt been a staggering figure to report. My e-mail account is overpopulated with job related messages.

I'm just wondering if there are other job seekers out there having the same problem as me. I'm educated. I'm a minority, which I'm aware can work in my favor as well as against me, but I check those little self-identifying boxes anyway mostly because I figure my name's a dead give away I'm not White.

I'm a good worker regardless of whether or not I actually like my job; however, if I don't like my job, I will leave. And I've left quite a few jobs. There are many reasons for that. The big one is that I'm still trying to figure out what it is I want to do. I want stability. I want a career. I want to advance, and I want to stay put for awhile. But I can see at least one more big move, possibly two for grad school and London- both ambitious, and despite my inability to find employment, I have pulled off some amazing feats in the past. And I figure it's the next best step considering the way things are now.

I'm whoring myself to employment agencies, which are also proving to be a disappointment. I found a part-time gig with one I kind of kept secret from everyone. I leave at 5am in the morning to Office Max where I load a truck. It's three hours of work, which as of yet hasn't taken three hours, but I get paid for it three hours regardless. I'm not happy with it, and I'm struggling to stay. It isn't hard work, but to think about everything I've done just so I wouldn't have to do that type of work makes me kind of angry. It's just been my little secret up until this point. It's not something I'm really proud to mention. Who knew that obtaining a college education would make me such an elitist?

I hate that I'm like that now because it makes working low-paying, uninteresting jobs as well as manual labor difficult to do.

I've been contemplating moving back to the Hill. I feel so out of place here, or maybe it just feels awkward or something. I managed to move to an area with most of my friends, but I've never felt more distant to them. I can't find a job, which I was having that problem in the Hill, but unemployment never hit a two month mark there. I was able to take care of myself financially for the most part, and I don't know. Maybe I could get Jim to take me back at New Century Digital Media where I would actually be working in my field of study. Those are just some of the thoughts in my head this morning as I made my way to my three hour 5am gig.

I haven't given up on Charlotte just yet. I mean, who knows? Maybe things can change significantly three months from now, and I can be happy although either way I'm looking to get out of here for grad school. But I'm seriously beginning to entertain the idea of moving back. I'm no longer unsettled with my friendship with Michael, and I can live with it, which is about the only thing that has kind of worked out since moving here.

But I recognize a lot of my problems have to do with my attitude. I'm good at noticing problems, but I don't think about what I can do to fix them. That's a hard to thing to do when you're not happy. It's called effort for a reason. It takes a lot of work, but if I've exhausted all my energy and all my resources, I might as well give up now because I expect there to be more difficult things to deal with than this. I want to go to grad school. I want to spend a year or two in London. I want to be a successful screenwriter and actor. I want to fall in love with someone who loves me for exactly who I am. I want to raise good kids. I want to be a contributor to world healing, and I want to face death without fear and a sense of accomplishment when my life finally comes to an end. I also want to be there for my friends and family. My life would just be incomplete without them.

So I feel much better.

In other news, I finished my first feature length screenplay, but it's not my best work. So I want to do a complete rewrite of the story. I'm excited about writing, but it is difficult. There's rules to adhere to. There's structure. I could benefit from some further training, and I think I could have what it takes. I have about three pages of screenplay ideas I'm excited to start working on, so I won't be running out of any ideas anytime soon. I'll be proud of myself when I can write continuously. I think the key is scheduling my life. As much as I hate the idea, I can see myself getting a lot done if I adhere to a schedule. But that's my problem. I suppose I'll just have to get over it.

Well, I've went on enough for now. I'll update soon. I always forget just how fun this is.

Before I go, I want to acknowledge two passings: my cousin's grandmother Mrs. Quince and Heath Ledger.

Mrs. Quince was a sweet old lady that was an excellent cook, and she thought the world of everyone. It didn't matter who you were. She was so kind and loving and warm. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer's somewhere in my absence, and save my last visit home in July of '07, I was spared from witnessing the disease's effects.

Heath Ledger I didn't know but loved his movies and kept up with him mostly because I thought he was interesting, attractive, and talented. I was thrilled not only when I heard he'd be starring in the new Batman movie as the Joker but also when he and Michelle Williams hooked up because I'm a big fan of hers as well from Dawson's Creek.

I miss them both.

Choices

2007-11-20T17:14:00.000-08:00

Today was a slow day at work. Unfortunately, that just made it seem longer.

I got to hear what I sound like on the phone. I volunteered to listen to one of my calls in front of three of my peers and a trainer. The phone rang, and before responding "Thank you for calling HR Payroll Connection/This is Olando/How may I help you?", I answer with a long sigh.

It was pretty hilarious to myself and my co-workers, but I'm actually surprised that's how I sound. I don't know who I was trying to fool.

The day before that I also let slip that I hated the place in training, which again, everyone thought was hilarious and opened a discussion about how we all were somewhat discontent working at Hewitt.

So my question is, "Do I quit this job?" I need money, and I like having something to do. But it doesn't have to be Hewitt.

But then, the question is, "How long before I find something else?" "Will it pay as much?" "Will it be as close?" Will it ultimately be better?"

And I guess I'm just really at the point where I've just got to take that chance because I now sound as miserable as I feel, and I don't care.

I was supposed to be on lunch for like 45 minutes, and I ended up taking over an hour to play Rock Band. I feel like the guy on Office Space, and that's so out of character for me.

So I should quit. But "When?" "When is a good time to quit?" "Should I finish out this week?" "Should I at least try to make it until the end of the year?" Or "Do I wait for them to fire me?"

Truth be told, I've kind of been hoping for that. I don't suppose it's good to get fired, but it's not something that's ever happened to me before. And somehow, I don't feel like it's the end of the world because this isn't a career for me. It's the same as a job at a burger joint for a teenager. It's not something you hope to be doing for long.

So I don't know when I'm going to quit. Just that I am. Or I'm going to get fired, whichever comes first. I don't like that attitude, and it's not how I generally feel. But for this job I do.

So "What am I going to do?" Good question. I've been looking into grad school. Just a basic search to see if there are any I'm interested in that don't have December as their application deadline for Fall '08 admission. And there are. There are also schools that don't require the GRE, which I'm not too enthused about taking since I've never really been all that amazing with standardized tests.

I'm really leaning towards teaching film at a college. I don't know if an MFA will be enough though. I haven't done my research, but I know there were a couple of people at Carolina who didn't have their Doctorates, and they were teaching. But then again, I don't know if they were full time, and we didn't exactly have the best program.

But I think it would be neat to teach, to remain in a field that interests me, and to have access to all the resources a college has.

I mostly just want to write, but I feel silly saying that when I haven't written much of anything new lately.

I think I realized my biggest flaw is I procrastinate. It's the reason I'm not in grad school right now. It's the reason I haven't lost weight. It's the reason I haven't finished a screenplay. "What am I waiting for?"

It's like I forgot I wanted to accomplish things instead of living a life of mediocrity. I'm so bored and disenchanted, and it sucks to lose all that excitement.

I've forgotten how to make living fun. I mean, I'm not even sure if I ever had it figured out, but I was hopeful and excited for the future at one point. Now, it's here, and I haven't done much compared to what I had dreamed to accomplish at this age, which is not to say that all my dreams were realistic.

But they are now somewhat.

I would like to fall in love. I would like to live in a foreign country. Not necessarily permanent. Although if the U.S. doesn't legalize gay marriage, I may. I'd like to travel and help people less fortunate than myself. I want a job I enjoy, which I don't think is impossible. It may not be the easiest thing to find, but everyone can't hate their job. That's fucking depressing.

I would like to be more accepting of others and myself, figure out who I am, and how to make myself better for myself and for the people I love and care for the most. I'd like to try a lot of new things and share my experiences with others as well as exchange those experiences for others. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I want to make better choices, better decisions. I want to live with little regret. I want to be good at planning and more organized.

I want to have fun. I want to do something.

My Long Awaited Return to Blogspot

2007-11-15T12:38:00.000-08:00

This is weird. I haven't posted in a really long time, and despite having so much to say, I haven't really a clue where to begin.

I don't even know where I left off, but I found a job. And I wish I could say things were going stellar with that. But I'm actually contemplating quitting soon.

I didn't find it. It actually found me, and it is Hewitt Associates. It's right down the road from where I live, which is nice, and it's a salaried position with benefits.

What's not nice is that it is a call center, and I feel inadequately trained to handle these people's issues. I receive phone calls on subjects I haven't been trained on, and I get scolded for transferring them by the people who can. I feel overwhelmed with the calls and the off phone work, which is limited to 30 seconds after each phone call. I mean, you have to understand the issue in order to communicate it to someone who can fix it. There are so many problems with the systems we're using, yet we're constantly reminded how good we have it compared to our predecessors. Well, I can certainly sympathize because if this is the best you have to offer, I can't imagine how fucked they were.

Our turn around rate is 48 hours or 2 business days from contact with the customer to resolve their issue, and the people who can fix the issues aren't fixing them. Sometimes, not at all, and if at all, not in a timely manner. Half of the time you spend going back and forth with them, which is annoying because no matter how much information you give them, their response is inconclusive. So guess who has to listen to the caller bitch?

And despite forfeiting time off around Thanksgiving and New Year's, I didn't get Christmas Eve off or the day after Christmas. I've decided I was going to go home regardless, and if they fire me for it- oh well.

My job makes me angry. Not postal angry. But "fuck this" angry, which is totally preventing me from being happy.

Today, I took a half day because I was too fucking depressed, and now, I'm dreading returning tomorrow. But at least, it'll be Friday.

I've decided that I'll quit this job. There's no way I'm going into the New Year with this position, so I really need to kick the job search up a notch because I'd really like to continue working for money (obviously) and just to have something to do. I love being home, but I do get bored. And I don't exactly want to be at home worrying about money.

And I just bought a new computer. It's a Dell Inspiron 1501, and it is a sexy machine. I call it Basil, and it's wonderful being mobile again. I couldn't move my old lap top without the screen going haywire, and it was running excruciatingly slow. But not Basil. He's fast, and so far, he's been lovely.

I'm planning on using him to edit as well as learning some web design and coding. And of course, writing. How I've missed it. I have so many untapped ideas. They're just waiting to get out, and I'm excited about becoming a writer. I'm all talk, but I'd like to do it for a living. Seriously. I don't know if I'm that good, but the only way to find out is to actually finish something.

I haven't met anyone yet. I was on Craigslist. Yeah, I was that desperate, and I met up with one guy. He was old enough to be my father.

Since then, I've backed off the online dating scene. I kind of realized I wasn't ready for a relationship. I want one, but I'm a mess right now. And it wouldn't be fair to me or him to get involved knowing that.

So despite my feelings of loneliness and being horny as hell, I'm trying to get it together and figure things out.

I'm getting somewhere with this, but I'm still unhappy with my progress.

I did manage to fall in love, or I thought so anyway. It was fleeting. I don't know if that's because he rejected me or if he wasn't who I thought he was. But it's over now.

I'm trying to stay out of love. At least when it's unrequitted. I came close to another disaster but managed to quell it. He's a very lovable guy, but I don't have to fall for him.

I think that's the problem. I accept my feelings too early, and I don't allow for time or rationale. If I did, I wouldn't fall so easily, and I probably wouldn't get hurt.

The more I get to know myself, the less mistakes I hope to make, which makes getting to know myself kind of important.

Anyway, I'm glad to be blogging again, and I hope to post again real soon.

The Job Search Continues (Charlotte Chronicles)

2007-06-12T18:41:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I'm finally here in Charlotte. I've been enjoying myself. Having a home is pretty sweet. If only I had a job. I really don't get it. It's not even really frustrating to me anymore. I've kind of just accepted this condition. But I have gotten some callbacks. I even went to a career fair today, which was a total bust. Everything is sales these days, and I'm not a good salesperson. And I'm even worse on a phone, which was another thing with all their positions.

It was very disappointing. There were only a handful of companies there. I was told to bring at least ten resumes, but I don't even think there were ten companies present. The experience was not worth the five bucks I spent on parking not to mention the gas I spent navigating through the city and its one way streets, which I hate as a someone who's never driven in a big city trying to find where the heck I'm going looking up at tall ass buildings for some sign of business or address.

I had a dream last night I got a Teller position with Sun Trust. I had an interview with them Friday, and it went well. Supposedly, I'll know by the end of the week. I also have an interview with an employment agency in the morning, and another on Thursday for a data entry position at CPCC.

So even though I'm not getting any results, I guess I'd have to say this is the best my job search has ever gone. Unfortunately, it's prevented me from going home, but to be honest, I wasn't looking forward to the drive. Plus, it didn't feel right going home knowing I had business to take care of here.

People like to feel sorry for me because of that, and I kind of hate it. Like, I don't need you to tell me that sucks, you know? Like, I know, but you gotta do what you gotta do. I'll go home as soon as I can. Believe me.

I ran today. More like walking and jogging. But I did it for an hour and half today. Mostly because I got lost. Originally, it was supposed to be for half an hour, but I found a secluded park, which is great because I'm self conscious. And I was trying to plot out a route. But I ended up God knows where because a lot of the neighborhoods in our area don't have outlets. So I kept running into dead ends.

I felt great afterwards, but my body is soar. I think tomorrow I'll do yoga instead, and I'll just alternate between running and yoga throughout the week.

I watched Pay It Forward for the first time today. A really good movie. I've wanted to watch it ever since I first heard about it. I was in love with the idea, and one good thing about being unemployed is you have time. So I've been averaging a movie a day, sometimes more.

I've also started writing again. Well, I've made some edits anyway based on my instructor's notes and my friends'. I need to buy some note cards to map out the rest of my story, but I feel ready to actually finish my first screenplay.

I'm kind of lonely here. And bored. Like, I don't see Michael. He's been gone for the past week, and this one is no different. Becca is at camp. Nathan works. Lissa comes over sometimes as does Griffin, but during the day, I don't have anyone to hang out with.

One of my older college friends is in the area, and he stopped by yesterday. That was nice. Sometimes, I feel a little forgotten around here surrounded by all these people who grew up together. They can reminiscence for hours, and I listen to some of the stories because they're funny/interesting. But it can get annoying. I'm sure I'm like that with old friends too.

My new thing is to make new friends because I've totally bummed friends off Michael for the past 2-3 years. Not that it's a bad thing. But I kind of forgot I had my own friends at one point. They weren't as good as the friends I now have, so there was a reason for this. But I've been thinking it might be to my benefit to go somewhere where there are people who share similar interests as myself.

So I'm going to try to volunteer for the Charlotte Film Festival, and I'm going to go to a gay club/bar. Not to pick up anyone because that's just a bad idea. But to see what's out there. I'm also planning on volunteering at the hospital, so I can see if nursing is reallly something I want to do. Plus, maybe it could lead to a job in the future.

Later days.

WTF? and New Job

2007-03-28T15:21:00.000-07:00

Today wasn't a bad day. I swear. I got up around 8, killed time, deposited some checks, and got to work around 10:15.

I didn't do any editing, but I spent the first hour and a half or so on the web searching for rear shots of old '40s and '50s cars for a project my boss is working on.

I, then, went to lunch with my boss, which was kind of awkward. First of all, I really had my heart set on Jimmy John's. They have the best subs I think, and I haven't been there in awhile. So I had already planned to go there for lunch, which was originally set around 1, but I got hungry before then seeing how all I had had up to that point was a very delicious walnut brownie. I made some last night.

Anyway, he kind of invited himself to come along with me. Of course, I can't say no, but then, he suggests we go somewhere else. I REALLY had my heart set on Jimmy John's. I could taste it, and I supposed I could've just said that. But the amount of time it takes for my brain to process the audacity and respond politely, I might as well just agree to it. So I did.

Fortunately, the place he selected was really good. We went to Skylight Exchange, which is a neat little sandwich shop/bookstore. If you buy a sandwich, you can get a book 1/2 off, so that's nice. And if you order something off the menu with today's date, you get a dollar off (for example, 28th of March gets you a $1 off a number 28 sandwich). The number 28 sandwich turned out to be a Reuben, which didn't sound very appealing to me. So I had to search for the perfect sandwich.

After my boss's recommendation and clarifying with the server that it was not too spicy, I settled on the African Tuna sandwich, which was delicious. It had cucumbers, and the tuna was seasoned with curry. I can't remember what else was in it, but it was really good. What made it even better was that it was my boss's treat.

So lunch was good. I tried a new place, and I liked it. I learned a little more about my boss who wear socks with his sandals, which totally defeats the purpose of wearing sandals but whatever.

We headed back to the office afterwards, and I began the shittiest work I've had to do there (there being New Century Digital Media) to date. It wasn't labeling cords although that was hardly fun. It wasn't opening packages. There was only two. It was cleaning out my boss's closet and fixing a falling shelf inside of it. WTF?! I'm supposed to be an Assistant Editor!

He has so much shit, which I left (with his permission outside the closet) because it took me damn near two hours to fix that stupid shelf. Actually, I don't know how long it took me, but I was in there awhile with no light and very little room to maneuver with a f-ing ladder!

Good news is tomorrow I will be editing, but the bad news is the closet isn't done, which means I'll have to go back to it at some point. And I am not looking forward to that.

I did find another part-time job. Come Monday, I'll be an Imager at Strawbridge Studios. They're a big photography company, and I'll be cropping images (more than likely children's school photos).

How does this relate to my field? Very indirectly. The software they use is very similar to Photoshop. I don't know how to use Photoshop, but they're going to teach me indirectly while paying me. And this helps me because I can use Photoshop for editing and web design, which I'm going to be learning soon. I know it's a stretch, and I'm underpaid. But it's cool I guess because neither of the jobs I have now are long-term. And they're giving me experience and money to pay bills and do something fun occasionally.

I'm not happy with new job's hours (5pm-midnight), but I do very little during the week. I might as well be making money, and I'll have the weekend to be with friends and/or write, clean, and whatever it is I do or don't do with my time.

I think I may have made a decision about Charlotte, but I'm keeping mum to mull it over a little more. I feel good about it though, so we'll see.

Deep in Thought

2007-02-13T14:56:00.000-08:00

So I quit my job, which was not a bad decision. I was very unhappy there, and when I think about it, I was severely underpaid for my time and work. However, I am jobless and jaded with the whole job search not to mention poor, which is different from broke, but I'm not trying to be broke by any means.

I want to go back to school. I'm looking into Florida State University. They have what seems like an excellent film program. The only problem is it's very competitive, but I'm also a pretty good writer. So provided I finish one or two screenplays by the time I apply (as well as take the GRE), maybe I can use those to seal the deal so to speak.

I think at this point I've realized that I didn't utilize my undergraduate career, and I can't think of any other routes to take other than this one where at the very least I can find a job as a professor upon completion. This isn't to say I'm settling. I would very much like to be a professor, but I was hoping to do so in my old age after years of experience in the biz. I feel I'd have much more to offer my students at that point.

But basically, I want to return to school and work my ass off seeking out every single opportunity I can get my hands on because I regret not doing so as an undergraduate.

Plus, it'd be nice to be amongst like-minded individuals with the same interests as me. I want to start my own company, and I need help.

I also want to return to London. I had no idea I missed it so much, but I do. And I am seriously contemplating trying to find work there. There's like a theatre on every corner and a number of movie premieres every week. Plus, it's like a fledgling city for film and television. How cool would it be to say I had a hand in turning it into the new Hollywood?

Of course, that could also be a bad thing, but I am very much in love with independent filmmaking. I'm all about creative freedom and not having to adhere to any rules and saying what I want to say. I want to finance my own projects or get people to finance me without losing creative control. Hopefully, I'll be one of those eccentric, crazy, cool film people.

I came up with a new idea for a script and wrote the synopsis. It was really fun and the most fun I've had in awhile actually. I think I'm going to finish The Mixed Tape really soon, which will be great because I can't start anything without finishing that one.

God, I am too hopeful right now.

I wish things weren't so hard and discouraging. I just want to be successful. I've done so much just to get to this point, and it feels like nowhere. I'm unhappy, and it's somewhat difficult to combat it with everything I've already been through and to know there's more...

It's nice to escape to my stories where I find love and hope.

The real world is so fucked up. I just don't get it.

Anyway, I'm reevaluating my decision to go to Charlotte. I'd really like to be with a large majority of my friends, but honestly, I'm just putting my life on hold for another year. Granted, I don't have any other plans, but Charlotte should be my back-up plan and not THE plan. So I'm going to try to work on that. Besides, how much time am I actually going to get to spend with my friends when we're all working? I mean, while it's true it'd be nice to see them on weekends or whatever, I don't want to come to expect that because I love constants, but very few things are unfortunately.

I think I might try another temp service just because I need a job. Hopefully, I'll find something that won't tire the hell out of me, and I can find something else at my leisure, which is a lot less disheartening than spending hours with no results.

Then, I'll need to study for the GRE, take it, and work on my screenplays.

Dreamgirls and Going Ons

2007-02-09T15:19:00.000-08:00

OMG! I just saw Dreamgirls, and I loved it. All the stage shots were beautiful. The music was good, and the performances were stellar. I doubt Jennifer Hudson will win an Oscar, but she has potential in both film and music obviously. This must be an exciting time for her. I had forgotten about her until this, and Beyonce, I may actually start to like. She could very well be a bitch, but I can't deny her beauty and talent, especially in this film.

It's kind of funny I'm just now seeing this movie when it came out in December of last year. I've pretty much wanted to see it since but was tight on cash and therefore hesitant to part with my money although I did see Epic Movie before Dreamgirls. I also saw Casino Royale, which I wasn't particularly impressed with. I thought it had really nice action scenes and of course beautiful women, but I miss Brosnan even though Daniel Craig is certainly better to look. He has very rugged features. Sometimes, he's attractive, and at others, he just reminds me of an ape trying to pose as a man. I was just waiting for him to grunt on screen and scratch under his arm pits and maybe fling a little poo or something.

So I'm thinking about quitting my job. I've actually pretty much decided I will. I'm trying to hold out until the second week of March, so I can go with Michael to Florida to pick up his car. I'm also trying to hold out that long, so I can save up enough for rent, cell, electric, and credit card bills. What's the plan? Well, I don't know how it's actually going to work, but I'm either going to try to find another job through the temp service I'm using now or Tar Heel Temps.

I'd like to find my own job, but seeing how that hasn't really worked for me...

I'm volunteering at UNC-TV. I actually got a tour an actual television station. They're really neat, and I think the closest I can get for now. I also called Fox 50 in Durham to see if I could work something out with them.

I really need to get back in school and get my Master's, so I can teach and have access to equipment. I'm hoping to have a completed feature length film by the time I'm 27. I think what Dreamgirls made me realize though is what I really want is to be a performer. I'd still like to write and make movies, but I also want to be in them. Not necessarily as a lead. I really enjoyed acting, and I recognize it as a craft. I really want to master it and be compared to Johnny Depp as far as talent goes.

Things with me and the roomie aren't going so well. He doesn't really talk to me anymore, and when he does, he's very cold and distant. I assume something is wrong, but the way he's been acting towards me lately has really been hurtful. I don't know what to do when someone I love or care about hurts me. I don't necessarily know what's going on, but maybe I could take it a lot better if he would at least say something to me. It's just really weird how things have changed. We got into a really big argument once, but I thought we had reconciled. I just don't know how to feel. I'm upset and uncomfortable living here in the situation, and then, we also work together. He acts very condescendingly towards me, and it pisses me off. I'm not stupid, and you can be nice. I don't understand why he's always so frustrated with me. I hate that I'm even there, and the only reason I thought it could even work was because I'd believe I'd have a friend there with me.

I'm so tempted to quit now with how everything is going. As much as I need money, I don't need all this unhappiness, but I'm trying to hang in there. In four weeks though, I'm done. I seriously don't know how I'm going to get through that time, but I'm going to try.

I have a crush. I'm a little ashamed of it because he's not someone I know, which crushes for me generally aren't people I know, but he's four years my junior not to mention a celebrity. Who is this mystery guy? It's Ron Weasley from the Harry Potter movies. His real name is actually Rupert Grint, and there's something about red heads I guess. I like his smile, and I like to joke that he and I are going to get married and live off the Harry Potter checks, which he was paid in British pounds, so that's almost double in US dollars.

I say that not because I'm a gold digger but because my checking account became a casualty of the exchange rate for the month I spent in London a couple of summers ago. I want to go back though so badly. I can't believe how much I really miss it.

Anyway, I think he's really talented and cute. I do hope to work with him someday. I write with him in mind for some of my characters, and there's two songs in particular I listen to where he comes to mind. Like A Star by Corrinne Bailey Rae and Pure Shores by All Saints.

Most of my inspiration comes from music I listen to and my life as well as the lives of others. I don't really care to make Blockbuster movies. I think I could do a couple. I wanted Silver Surfer, but I'm more interested in making films like Garden State and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Both have been lifechanging films for me.

I think I want to be rich or at least have money to travel and buy things I want instead of need, and I'm still holding on to my dream of following in Angelina Jolie's footsteps of adopting and being a UN ambassador. Still the most gorgeous woman to me.

I bought some books on Buddhism at Barnes and Noble the other day. I got Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. I saw it a lot on campus, and it stuck with me. Plus, it was inexpensive I thought, so I got it along with How to Practice: The Way to a Meaningful Life. It's a book with teachings from the Dalai Lama, and I'm excited. I thought I might be Buddhist for some time, but when I took a class, I kind of lost interest. It kind of went over my head mostly because I didn't do the readings, but now, I'm kind of picking it up at my own pace, which makes the interest more genuine for me because I didn't stop.

Another post, another time.

Change Your Mind

2007-01-04T06:57:00.000-08:00

I'm changing my attitude. I want to be more positive and be able to say with a little more confidence than I have in the past that I can do this. It hasn't been easy, and I don't expect it to get easier. But I will find full-time work.

I applied to a few jobs last night online at several different websites, and I'm feeling much better. I'm increasing my chances at finding something, and I just received a long list of job websites courtesy of Michelle who also treated me to lunch at Champps' yesterday. Thanks.

I'm feeling pretty good. I don't want to work at Food Lion anymore than yesterday, but today, I could do it. I don't like that I haven't received a schedule yet, and I start my other part time job at Student Stores who also have yet to send out a work schedule. Since it's on campus, I have to worry about parking because I sold my permit back to DPS prematurely. I figured I could just park at the Friday Center and take the FCX to campus, which means I'll probably have to leave for work 30 minutes in advance. Not ideal but a minor inconvenience. I can read while I wait.

Today or tomorrow is likely to bring the return of my debit card, and my license should get here Saturday. I should have my credit card back sometime next week, which means I should get a new wallet to keep them in.

I'm thinking it's going to be sad when everyone gets back, and I realize how far away we now live from each other. I'm worried what that's going to do to our friendships, but I suppose the most likely thing to happen will be that we won't see each other as often but remain friends. And that was bound to happen one day.

I like to think it'll be somewhat healthy for me since I'm so dependent of others. I generally don't make decisions, even of little importance, without consulting someone, and I'm easily guilted by my friends because their opinions of me and the things I do matter so much to me.

It's not that I want that to change, but I'd like to be more of my own person. Whatever that means. I'm really close to Michael, and it's one of the best friendships I've ever had. But it has its problems, which most are a result of me not dancing to the beat of my own drum.

I pretty much hold a grudge against all the guys I've ever liked. I sat here thinking of a way to resolve that, but I'm not sure there is. I do want to acknowledge that I at least know, while I have yet to show myself that I fully get this and will apply it to future romantic interests, that I should not waste my time or resources on anyone too early and who proves unworthy of my time and when in doubt concerning whether or not someone is into me I can always figure that out if I choose as well as who is going to leave or stay simply by asking and/or telling them how I feel.

So I definitely feel wiser if not necessarily warm and sentimental about those experiences.

Ah, much better.

Sleep Deprivation Induced Rant

2007-01-02T23:04:00.000-08:00

The past couple of nights I've had trouble sleeping, and tonight is no exception. I have a lot of things on my mind for one.

I need a job. All the work I have right now is part time, and I'm not getting any hours. Student Stores doesn't start until the 6th, and even then, it's only until the 24th. And I'm not sure I'd be working every single day. I don't have a schedule yet, so I can't anticipate whether or not it'll conflict with Food Lion. I'm not getting any hours there although I was asked to come in earlier tonight because the manager wanted to leave early. I was at Target with Bert grocery shopping, and we had just got there. Since she needed someone immediately, I couldn't and didn't go.

To be honest, I didn't want to go in the first place. If she had scheduled me to work tonight, that would've been one thing, but to call me and just expect me to be available like that is another. And all so she could go home early?

The previous night I was working I asked to see what days I was scheduled for, and I'm not scheduled for anything for the rest of the week. So this job is pretty useless to me right now.

And I know I'm tight for money right now, but I really felt like Bert was pressuring me to go in for two, maybe three measly hours of work at $7 an hour. And while it's true that's more money than I would've had, it doesn't fucking help that much. Plus, I hadn't eaten anything but a bowl of cereal this morning, and I'd spent most of the day helping him assemble his bed and rearranging and cleaning the apartment and taking out his shit to the dumpsters. I didn't even want to go to Target but did so after he convinced me I should just to get out of the apartment, which I'm really tired of being treated like something is wrong with a) being introverted and b) a homebody. I don't go anywhere when I don't have money or an objective. I enjoy the comfort of home, and some days I'm not going to want to make small talk with people I barely know.

So I'm just really tired of everyone else stressing me out when I'm already stressed (No, I don't want to go home!), but at least the stress is making me realize I can't make it at Food Lion or Student Stores. It's just not going to work. I need a full time job, and I've got to devote my time to finding something that works for me because having both jobs, sooner or later, is going to create a time conflict. And I'm really not trying to worry about that or parking for Student Stores.

I really want to make it on my own, but I've already had to ask for help, which really took a blow to my pride. I don't think I could take anymore assistance.

I'm still waiting on my credit card and my debit card. And my license. I'm really kind of upset at myself for losing my wallet because I couldn't have done it at a more inopportune time I don't think. And where? I retraced all my footsteps. Usually, I'm pretty good at recovering things I've lost, and my wallet is never something I've lost or misplaced for more than a day.

I'm also pissed at that slimeball Yihsiao. God, I can't believe I ever had a crush on him. I did so much for him, and he repays me with betrayal. I could punch his bike short wearing ass in the face right now. I am so pissed with the men I came to love or thought I loved. I'll admit. Some were better than others, but when it all comes down to it, none of them did right by me. And I deserved better. But even knowing that doesn't clear my thoughts of them, particularly Andrew. The first cut is truly the deepest.

If there were a way to forget all of them, I'd do it because everything I'm beginning to see in hindsight is just pissing me off, but it's really my own stupidity I'm upset with, which must be what the elders would refer to as the lesson you had to learn the hard way.

I really can't say this with a whole lot of confidence, but I think I'm going to make it because I'm more determined tonight than I think I've been in the past couple of weeks. If only just to get some sleep.

Happy New Year Indeed

2007-01-01T09:50:00.000-08:00

Okay, I am not happy. I guess that's not exactly anything new, but so far, '07 has been pretty shitty. I'm a college graduate working for Food Lion. I miss my friends. I've lost my wallet. I've had to borrow money, and it's just sucking hardcore.

I don't know where to begin. I guess the most recent will have to do. My mom called me, and I missed her call because I was watching the second half of Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace, which I actually thought was a good movie. I started it last night but couldn't finish it because I was so tired. There was definitely some corny lines, and I can understand why people despised Jar Jar Binks. But I liked it. I even thought Jake Lloyd was a better Anakin than Hayden.

Anyway, I returned her call, and she asked how I was doing. So I told her. And before I could finish, she began to lecture me on how people sometimes have to do things they don't want to, and of course, that's something I already know. I wasn't calling to get her permission to quit Food Lion. I was calling because she called me, and I wanted to talk to someone. Not necessarily about my plight, but she did ask.

So we get into an argument in which I try to explain to her that I wasn't planning on quitting until I found something else, and that just because I had to do something I didn't necessarily want to doesn't mean I'd be happy doing it. Also, I wanted to explain to her that I, too, have made sacrifices. I'm not saying I've done what she's had to do as a mother, but I spent Christmas and New Year's alone because if I would've came home, I wouldn't have been able to make rent for this month or find a job. I also didn't go to Disney World with my friends to save money because I knew I'd be graduating soon and would need the money.

I just wanted her to know that while I may not be the most responsible 22 year old, I'm definitely not the least responsible. In fact, I'd say I'm more responsible than the average, and I've had to do a lot of growing up fast these past couple of months.

And the truth is I hate being an adult. I really do. I miss school even with all the little annoyances I had there with finishing papers on time and exams. It's nothing like this. All I do is worry, and I find myself asking myself at least once a day, "Am I going to make it?"

I tell myself that I have no choice, but the truth is I really don't know. There's nothing more than I'd like to look back at all this five, ten years from now holding an Oscar giving my acceptance speech. But right now, I'm at Food Lion. I feel completely derailed. I feel sick. I don't want to be here, and I'm wondering just how long I'll have to put up with this.

And I'm so lonely. Not like romantic lonely, but I really just miss having someone to talk to. I feel like Tom Hanks in that movie Cast Away. I haven't been conversing with a ball named Wilson, but I'd be lying if I said I haven't lost my sanity.

I finished the fourth Harry Potter book and the first of the Fudge series. I'm rereading the Fudge series because I really liked the books as a kid, and I'm all about reliving my childhood, especially now. I was really impressed with Goblet of Fire though. I still don't think I could ever read one of those books in a night, but it's definitely exciting now that Voldemort has returned. Rowling's talking about giants and dementors, and it just looks like it's about to be an all out war in the magical world. In the words of Fergie, "Oh shit!"

I've decided to become a full-fledged vegetarian. I spent the latter of last year deciding whether or not I would mostly due to chicken. Black thing or not but I love it. Anyway, Boca has these chickless patties, and they're a pretty good substitute. So while I may never savor another piece of fried chicken again, I will at the very least have my Boca chickless patties, and they also have a number of other delicious subsitutes we've been experimenting with since last year.

I've decided to do this because I heart animals. I tried to go vegetarian when I was a kid after my mom's boyfriend at the time decided to fry a fish I technically didn't catch but wanted to keep. I didn't make it, but I did refuse to eat any of the fish. And I tried again in my early teens, but my grandmother fried chicken my second night of protest. I shamefully gave in. Being a vegetarian is so much easier when you have others who are willing to do it with you, which is what happened last year with Michael and Jenny.

Other reasons are to be healthier and to put a small dent in the resources that are used on raising livestock. I also hear that at the rate we're eating seafood we'll clean out the ocean in the next 20-30 years or something. Not sure I believe that one, but I don't want to want to be responsible for an animal's extinction nonetheless.

And so I plan on doing it, which I've been fairly successful these past couple of days. They say all it takes it five weeks for something to become habit, and I've went most of '06 without any beef, pork, or seafood.

I also plan on going to the gym if that's what you want to call it here at Berkshire. It has three machines: an elliptical, a treadmill, and a weights machine that is partially broken. It's not that I hate it here, but I wish we would've looked into other places because the shower here sucks. I get hot water for about 10 or 15 minutes. After that, it's lukewarm, and the bathroom light switch is also hooked up to the vent, which is loud as heck. And you have to endure the sound every single time you turn on the light. Then, there's mirrors everywhere, which I think is kind of stupid. I'll probably break one before my lease is up. Not on purpose. One of our cabinet doors is cracked. There are no overhead lights in the bedrooms. If you want to use the switch, you have to locate the one wall that is controlled by the switch and place your lamp on that side.

Anyway, going to the gym is going to be much harder than becoming a vegetarian because I hate working out, especially with crappy equipment, which is the case here at Berkshire. I think I'm going to buy Kinetics and try that- that way I can work out at home. I think I'm also going to enroll in a kickboxing class at some point, and I really want to learn how to use my sais. Of course, all this is going to cost money, so I don't know when any of this is actually going to happen.

This is a much more bleak future than I imagined. At one point, Bert and I were considering moving to Boston, but the merger at his company fell through. And he's unsure whether or not the company is actually going to keep him. He's applying to grad schools, and I'll start applying this year for Fall '08 admission. I have a list of about eight I've yet to research.

No further progress on my screenplay. Writer's block. I'm going to do some more scene descriptions on note cards, and hopefully, I'll be fine after that.

It's raining. I usually like the rain, but it's annoying right now to hear every drop hit the metal outside my room. And I'll be at Food Lion in a couple of hours. Poo.

I'm pretty set on moving to Charlotte at the end of my lease, which is in June. I figure since Bert's leaving (hopefully for grad school) I'm going to be here by myself, and since all my friends are pretty much from Charlotte and are heading back that way, I might as well join them. Besides, they're my family, and their families have made me feel like I was a part of theirs. Plus, it'll put me 2 1/2 hours closer to home, and it's a big city. So maybe I can find something better and maybe even start dating.

Believe it or not, I'm not actually looking. I don't know if it's the heartbreak or the developing cynicism, but I'm not really interested in being with someone unless I find the right person, which I'm hoping I'll just know when that happens.

Of course, the problem has always been me wanting to be with someone I did think was right for me, but I've had some time to reevaluate all that. And I think deep down inside, even before I told them how I felt, that I somehow knew they weren't. It could just be hindsight, but I'm a lot quicker to see these things now. For instance, there are people I really like now that I know I just couldn't be with in the long run even if they were interested in me.

I've recently experienced the joy of creating an Amazon wish list, so when my b-day or X-mas comes...

And I've also got a long list of movies to watch. Popcorn anyone?

Eh. I guess life isn't so bad. It could always be worse.

Happy Feet, Late Night Phone Calls, and Getting Locked Out

2006-11-18T07:47:00.000-08:00

It was an interesting evening/night yesterday. So I decided not to go to Raleigh with everyone to see Happy Feet in IMAX to save money seeing how I still want to go see the new James Bond movie Casino Royale. And I could see both of them for the price it would cost to see Happy Feet in IMAX.

I’m also glad I didn’t go with them to see the band formerly known as Taylor Roberts Music because they didn’t get back until almost 4 this morning.

I went to the mall, got there about an hour in advance for the movie because I was afraid it might sell out. I don’t think it did. I mean, it couldn’t have as there were still seats available, but I’ll get to that. So I didn’t know what to do with myself. I thought that I’d go get something to eat, but I had food at the house. And I was finally going to use the free popcorn and drink tickets I had for the movie.

I decided I’d go back to my car and wait. I wished I had bought Harry Potter with me. I’m on the third book, and it’s a pretty good series despite that I’ve seen all the movies save the one coming out next year and the one that’s probably in production right now. But I didn’t have Harry Potter, so I started talking to myself, which is nice because it really helps me. I often feel better when I talk to myself, and I’m really surprised at how strong of a conscious I have. It’s not another personality or anything too crazy.

I asked myself some pretty interesting questions although I don’t remember exactly what I talked about, but to make a long story short, I locked myself out of my car. I’ve been worried this would happen ever since the first time I locked myself out of my car. Usually, I always check to make sure I have my keys, but I didn’t this time. I guess I thought they were already on me. I had left them in the seat.

So I kind of panicked before remembering I had roadside service that was still covered under my warranty. I didn’t want to call them though when I was about to go watch a movie, so I waited until after the movie, which was kind of hard to sit through knowing what I had to do once it was over. The thought crossed my mind what if someone broke the window to get the keys and steal my car, which is not at all that likely. I have a Kia, and to be honest, it feels as if it’s about to fall apart now.

Ok, that’s not true, but it definitely needs to be checked out. I think the brakes are starting to wear, and it feels like it needs an alignment big time. Maybe in the future I’ll get someone who can actually do it instead of charging me for partially giving me an alignment because they didn’t have the proper tools. What jackasses at Expert Tires!

Anyway, I enjoyed the movie. It wasn’t as good as Over the Hedge. I didn’t like some of the voices. Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman annoyed the hell out of me, and I couldn’t distinguish the two characters voiced by Robin Williams. I did like his character Ramone, but was Lovelace necessary?

I didn’t understand why Elijah Wood’s character looked different from all the other penguins (other than us being able to distinguish him from them, which isn’t a good enough reason I don’t think).

Happy Feet wasn’t exactly a kid’s movie either. There were a lot of sexual innuendos, and it deal with environmental and religious issues I felt went over kids’ head and under adults’. I did enjoy the singing though, but the penguins were kind of boring to me with the exception of Ramone and his gang. The trailer made them seem more exciting.

I think they could’ve done a better job with story too. I was a little bit disappointed but excited to see the trailer for the new Harry Potter film. It looks wicked cool.

So I didn’t stay to see if there was anything after the credits because I was worried about my car situation. I called roadside service, and they were nice enough. But they gave me a hard time about where I was, and I hear the woman typing at a computer. I don’t understand. Does she not have Internet? Does no one because I kept getting calls throughout the night asking me about intersecting streets, and I guess I should know these things. But what if I were in the middle of nowhere? I’d hate to be in that situation.

I just thought it was little bit ridiculous. A mall is huge, and this one in particular is right off an interstate exit. I don’t know what else to tell you, especially when I give you the exit number. Find me please.

So as I waited, I went to the food court to get something to eat. I decided on Chik-Fil-A. I really like it, and I had a free chicken sandwich coupon. I added a large order of waffle fries. It was greasy but good. I think in the future I’ll avoid large greasy anything.

Oh, I forgot to mention that I cashed in my popcorn and soda coupon. I made the mistake of asking for butter I think then adding what I thought was cheese on my popcorn. It was so salty I almost finished my drink before the movie. I was really disappointed with myself for doing that because I normally don’t buy movie popcorn or drinks because they’re too expensive, and now, they’re free I want to enjoy them. And I didn’t. Ca va triste.

Back to the food court, I forgot napkins, so I had greasy hands and lips that required a trip to the bathroom. I then left the mall to wait for roadside service, and I forgot to mention that I was also freaked out because my phone battery was low the entire time. I thought it was going to go out on me at any minute, but luckily, it didn’t.

I saw the guy arrive in a big tow truck, and there was a long line of cars in front of him. So I greeted him and went down the end to where I was parked to wait for him where I ran into one of my old residents from Carmichael who is now dating one of my former instructors. That’s so crazy to me.

Anyway, the guy propped open my door with some kind of wedge tool and pressure bag and used a metal stick with a curved end to unlock my door, and soon, I had my keys in my hands once again. He needed to check the mileage, and as I turned on the car, the sound of Joss Stone filled the parking lot. I was kind of embarrassed because earlier I had been singing out loud along with her.

After that, I was free to go. I got back home, did laundry, and pretty much went to bed after that. I got a call from Yihsiao at 1 AM. I don’t know why I answered. We talked for almost 3 hours! It was nice though. He really misses me, which is kind of surprising to me. It’s also surprising that I miss him. I didn’t think we were particularly good friends while he was here. I always felt bad about that because it was partly my fault for not appreciating what I had, and it was partly his fault for never letting on just how much he cared.

He’s done a lot of growing up since he moved to D.C. I’m so proud of him, and I’ve always been attracted to him. So last night was weird in that he was extremely vulnerable, which, I like to fix people. But he had a completely different attitude than from before. He seemed wiser and more mature but sad at the same time. He still had his sense of humor, which was nice (but something you definitely have to continue getting used to), but he said something really nice, surprising things last night. I don’t know if it was the drugs he was on. He’d just had his wisdom teeth pulled out, but I really liked him last night. I enjoyed every minute, and I’m kind of looking forward to seeing him again. I don’t know when though.

He offered to take me home with him for Thanksgiving, but I think I’m going to stay and try to work on my screenplay. And he’s even offered to pay for a skiing trip. But I don’t like taking money from people. I wouldn’t turn it down if I ever needed it, but it’d have to be a good reason for me to take someone else’s money. Money, like sex, complicates things, and I don’t ever want to mix the two with friendships.

Better Today

2006-10-06T05:40:00.000-07:00

So I dropped Comm 666- actually 636, which is Interactive Media. Basically, it's just one of the worst classes I've ever taken. I took it because it's considered an upper-level Comm production course, and it gave me access to camera and editing equipment. I didn't really know what to expect going into it, but I knew I needed the latter if I was going to make a portfolio for grad school admission.

And I had such high hopes at the beginning of the semester. That's always the case isn't? You tell yourself it's going to be the best year ever. You're going to do well in all your classes. You'll be a better student, etc., etc., and then, after the first week, you're ready for the summer or graduation in this case.

Every single assignment in that class has been so vague, I haven't really understood what exactly is expected of me. I'm not familiar with the software, and the deadlines just don't give me enough time to be creative when I'm still trying to figure out how the hell Dreamweaver and Flash works.

The pace is just too fast, and though the prof seems nice, she kind of sucks as an instructor. There aren't enough computers in Swain. The class is full, so whenever she shows us how to use the things, we have to wait for the other person to finish, and by then, she's moved on to something else. And I'm really a hands-on learner. None of those things are her fault, but I wish she'd take it into consideration when she's teaching.

So I'm glad to be rid of that class although it took me about an hour and half to do so. Academic advising sucks. Granted, I should've made an appointment weeks ago, and I did but missed it. But I can't believe advisors don't have more walk-in hours. There's an increasing line outside, and some of them just sit in their offices. Maybe they're waiting for scheduled appointments, and people like me forget them. But I don't understand why they can't take a few walk-ins when they realize that person isn't coming.

And maybe we just need more academic advisors. The student population increases every year, which means more money. What I don't understand though is why we're spending that money on new Dean dome seats but not a bigger academic advising staff. I mean, this is a college after all right? The choices people in power make. Pisses me off.

I did get a really nice academic advisor though, which is rare in my experience, and I'm now a candidate for graduation.

So Interactive Media is gone, which leaves me with four classes and a P.E. I can still use editing equipment at the MRC, and I don't know when my card access will be cancelled at Swain. But I'm assuming I still have access to that. So long as I can get a prof to put me on a list for the Beasley Center, I should be able to check out camera equipment there. So things look okay for now.

And I've put grad school on the backburner for the time being.

I also went to the gym yesterday. I really hate it, but now, I look at it as necessary to fix some of my issues. I've been so depressed lately. At one point, I was even talking about going home.

I was just ridiculously miserable. Some of it was Jenny. Some of it was friendships. I was stressed out from school. I worry about money (and the job I took that I've yet to start, which isn't my fault by the way). My post-graduation plans are totally up in the air. I'm lonely. I feel ugly. It's probably the saddest I've ever felt.

But I am doing better. I'm taking unnecessary stress off myself. I'm actually doing something about the way I feel as opposed to just knowing what I feel, and I've taken a more relaxed approach to the future. I just want a find job. I don't expect it to be the coolest job in the world, but hopefully, it'll allow me to pay rent and eat and save. And I'm a restless soul, so I don't ever see myself getting comfortable enough to just stay there. So I'll remain in this area post-graduation.

I think at some point though I will move to California, and in the meantime, I'll keep writing. Given the responses in one of my writing classes, I seem to be pretty good at it, and I do enjoy it.

Update, Update, Update!!!!!

2006-10-02T10:27:00.000-07:00

I got a job with the Carolina Union. I'm mostly stationed at Memorial Hall as an usher. I can't tell whether or not I'm going to like it. I haven't started.

Apparently, I was supposed to work last week, but seeing how they didn't provide me with a schedule, it's not really my fault. Still, it was a little frustrating getting an e-mail this morning saying I had missed a work call. It was even more frustrating when I tried to respond via e-mail like I was asked and getting a "failure to deliver this message" e-mail three times.

I ended up going to the office and talking to the Production Manager. He was cool about everything, so I don't think I have anything to worry about other than getting off for Fall Break.

Michael, Bert, Becca, Mia, and I are supposed to go to Florida where we'll meet an old friend of Bert's named Marcos. We met him two Spring Breaks ago when we went to San Fran. He pretty much let us crash with him and his apartmentmates. He's definitely a cool guy not to mention cute.

It's really weird for me to not be adding Jenny's name. I think it's gotten harder for me, which I thought it'd get easier as the time went by, but it's not. I really struggle to make sense out of why this happened because I want to believe that life isn't so random, that there's actual meaning behind it and the things we do and the things that happen to us. But I'm at a loss for thoughts and words on this one.

It hasn't killed my faith in God. I'm pretty much where I was before it happened, and I haven't lost all hope for the world. But I feel dead sometimes. I really don't know what's happened to me internally as a result of Jenny's death among other things.

I made an important decision not to go to grad school. I just realized how hard this semester is going to be for me. I am just not interested in school. I'm interested in making money and moving to California where I'm at least one step closer to the dream.

If I can at least get my foot in the entertainment business (and it doesn't matter as what), I will consider that a success. But I don't want to spend another four years taking classes on film theory. I'm tired of looking at books telling me how to make movies. I just want to make them.

I may decide later on in my life that I will go to grad school because I think I'd like to teach if I ever become a successful director; that way, I can design programs that will provide students with important connections and give them a more hands on learning style. And as saddening as it is, money makes a difference. I think I would be willing to invest some of my money into better equipment for my students.

So that's the plan. The scary realization is knowing I have no choice but to make it. I don't know how to do anything else.

Labor Day Weekend

2006-09-05T17:23:00.000-07:00

Last week definitely burned me out, so my plans for the Labor Day weekend were to rest and spend some much needed time alone. Instead, I ended up in Elizabeth City with Michael, Bert, and Celia (Bert's sister).

Let's see. I hated the drive, which was about four hours, but that's too be expected. Cars are uncomfortable, but seeing how I didn't have to drive- well, that's a plus.

I love Bert's family. His dad is Italian. His mom is Hispanic, and they're an interesting couple. His mom calls his dad "daddy". It's cute, and even though they bicker a lot, you can tell they love each other, which is nice to see.

They fed us well and even took us to their river house, which was beautiful. I love water. Maybe it's a Cancer thing. I don't know.

I was really impressed with Bert's sister. She seems like a very fun and intelligent young woman. I have a feeling she's going to go places.

I didn't get much work done. Sigh. Although I know I didn't honestly think it was going to go otherwise.

It was a nice three day weekend, but I just couldn't enjoy it. I guess I just wanted to be home, which is funny because I haven't been home sick since my first semester here.

I wanted to go home after Jenny's accident. I didn't want to be here, and I don't want to be here now. It's such a struggle to get out of bed every morning and go to class. I feel like shit, and it's not all related to Jenny.

It's just a very dark time. Maybe the darkest I've ever been through because not only do I have my normal shit, but I also have the rest of my life before me. And I haven't a clue what to do with myself, how to succeed, or just be happy in life when I personally feel like I've failed most of it.

It feels good to be honest though, and don't think I don't look forward to better days. I just wish they'd come already.

Burned Out Already

2006-08-29T14:12:00.000-07:00

Yes folks. It's only the second week of classes, and already I feel burned out. It's not that I don't like my classes. I think screenwriting will be fun. There's a really cute guy in there, and he's fun to watch. He's got a lot of interesting ideas, and he's obviously passionate, which I like. He's a little bit narcissistic I think, but he's straight. What do I care anyways?

I'm pysched about archery, but I'm stumped on the math we have to employ to figure out what type of bow and arrow we should use. I'm sure it's simple, and I just missed it. But I hate that.

Interactive media and intro to group performance seem vague. I hate classes like that because how can I be expected to do a good job if I don't know what the hell it is I'm supposed to be doing. But I like the freedom. It allows for creativity, and I'm willing to bet that they'll both be fun.

I've yet to go to movement for the actor. It's at 8am. I set my alarm for 6:30, but it failed to wake me. I got up at 7 but had been to the gym the night before, so I definitely had to take a shower. But I ended up being late, and when I got there, I realized I didn't know where the hell my class was taking place. And I couldn't just enter classrooms. I was also nowhere near a computer. Not a great way to start my day.

I also had an interview today. I didn't like the clothes I was wearing, so I came back to change. The interview went okay, but I'm not sure I'll get the job nor want it. It's $6.15/hr, which is only .15 cents more than I was making as an OA. Plus, I'll need a suit for certain show at Memorial Hall, which $6.15/hr isn't going to manifest a suit. Some of things they were asking for seemed a little ridiculous to me. Still, I'm hoping I get called back because I need the money.

I'm not feeling well. My allergies have been ridiculous. The people around me don't seem happy, which doesn't make me very happy. And I just want all that to change.

I also want there to be more hours in a day.

Back 2 School

2006-08-23T17:02:00.000-07:00

Today began my last semester of college as an undergraduate. I feel very little sadness. I'm sure that will change as December approaches. What I did feel though was experienced. I didn't feel nervous when the time came to introduce myself to the class, and I realized I had done a lot of things.

Sadly, archery isn't looking like it's going to be one of them, which I was really looking forward to. I can't believe I wasn't able to sign up for it. I should have just started with that class when I registered, but I wanted to make sure I got some production classes. Michael offered to drop for me, which I appreciate the thought but don't really want him to do. I'm signed up for swimming, and although I want to learn how to swim, I don't want to do it right now. I don't feel confident in my abilities to learn under pressure, and I'm not happy with my body. I couldn't see myself taking off my shirt, and even with a shirt, I'd feel self-conscious. So I don't feel like I'd learn like that. Maybe I'd just get over it, but I doubt it.

My screenwriting class looks exciting though. I should have a completed screenplay by the end of the semester, which is awesome since I've yet to do that. And I'm probably going to download Final Draft, which will save me $90 some bucks. Whoo!

I turned in my application to the Health Sciences Library today making it the fifth place I've turned in an application to. The others being Kohl's, Blockbuster, the UL, and Consolidated Theatres. I have one from Visart to turn in I just completed in addition to one from the Student Union. That's for you Michael ; ).

I saw a guy flip his bike today avoiding a girl with a cell phone. At least, that's what I think happened. I kind of thought it was funny because he didn't seem to be hurt. It was kind of a movie moment. He just got up laughing. He'll probably feel it tomorrow. I'm just glad he's okay.

There's two cute guys in my screenwriting class. I'm almost positive they're straight, but it's nice to have them both sitting directly across from me. One even talked to me. I can't remember his name though.

Love. I'm on break. I think that it will happen someday, but I am tired of waiting for it to happen, which sucks because I am lonely. It's perhaps the worst disease imaginable and in my case hard to cure.

I'm currently at work, and it's hotter than a mofo. I can't remember being this hot since I was at that movie theatre in Abelmarle for X-Men 3. I'm close to getting off, and I'm going to grab some Chinese, whcih makes me happy because I'm craving it.

I see Chris. Goddammit! Actually, it's not bothering me that much. I just wanted to be dramatic. While my mind recognizes he was and still is a bad idea, my heart's a little slow on reaching the same conclusion.

It's the loneliness. It makes you delirious. : )

No, I'm sure he'll be a fine fellow for someone else, and he's nice.

Well, I'm out. I've got about 30 more minutes up in this piece.

Two Weeks Notice

2006-08-17T09:42:00.000-07:00

I decided to quit my OA job. I gave my two weeks notice Monday afternoon. It's kind of sudden, but it feels right considering I didn't want to work for Housing in the first place. It's not that I don't realize the grudge I hold against the department is somewhat childish, but in order to get over a grudge, I feel sometimes you have to take yourself out of the situation and (hopefully) move on to better things. That way you have nothing to be bitter about.

So far I've only completed one job application (the UL) that I've actually turned in. I have several applications, but they surprisingly take long to fill out because you have to remember things (namely dates, addresses, and numbers of your previous employers), and some of those things I didn't have in the first place much less remembered.

I don't feel worried either, which is great. I have about 6 more weeks of income plus a refund check from financial aid, so no one can call me stupid or reckless (yet).

I am excited about the prospect of finding a new job. I know it'll probably be difficult finding something I actually like, but I want to considering I've only looked at a job as a means of income, which is what it is. But I also want to like my job, the people there, and feel it's related to my area of study. So I've mostly been picking up applications that somehow relate to my field.

Wish me luck! My career as an OA officially ends Friday, August 25 at noon.

Everything Will Be Alright in the End, and If It's Not Alright, It's Not the End (in loving memory of Jenny)

2006-08-11T08:53:00.000-07:00

Tragedy struck last Friday night when a good friend of mine was killed in a car accident. Someone had been driving in the wrong direction on the interstate and hit her head on. When I first heard the news, I felt a sinking feeling occur within me. It was as if my heart had literally plummetted down into my stomache, and the feeling just burned. I couldn't believe such a thing had happened nor wanted to, and as I brought myself face to face with Michael, all I could do was hug and hold him. I have never felt so powerless.

Jenny and Michael were engaged to be married. Their wedding was undoubtedly one of the most anticipated events I was scheduled to not only attend but also participate in. I had tried convincing Jenny to dance the flamenco with Michael at it but with little success. She vetoed that idea quick, but Michael said he'd dance it with me. I never planned on taking him up on his offer though because in my head I had pictured it going so well with the two of them.

I know I would have cried because I'm a romantic, and there's nothing more romantic than being in the presence of real love and witnessing it reach one of its highest points.

And I know Jenny would have looked A-MAZING and with little effort too because she was a natural beauty.

Attending what was called a celebration of her life was not easy. I worried that I would break down and cry, and I did. I was thankful for Amanda being there when it happened. I had came close upon entering the building when I was greeted by Michael. His whole body trembles when he hugs you, and you know it's a pain you can't begin to understand.

With every hug I gave and received from a family member or a friend, I came close to crying, especially when one of those hugs came from Jenny's dad, but it wasn't until I saw several pictures of her on the projector trying on wedding gowns when I lost it.

And it's not fair. I've always heard people say life isn't fair, but it was just a statement to me. It was never something I necessarily agreed with, and it sure it as hell wasn't comforting. But now I know life isn't fair, and every day I've found myself wishing that this hadn't happened.

My mom says God only takes the best, and although I'm a cynic, it's the only reason that makes sense to me why she's gone, which still isn't real for me.

But I know and believe this much. We discover the things we like most about a person, and we incorporate them into our personalities. I liked many things about Jenny, and I definitely tried to imitate some of them. I know I'm not alone in this, so if it's a cliche to say this, I don't really care. There is a little bit of her in all of us that knew and loved her. Just seeing the turnout yesterday was enough to realize that she had touched so many lives.

Things I liked about Jenny (in no particular order and also not limited to...)

1. Her ability to make you laugh at yourself.

2. Her contagious smile.

3. Her carefree attitude.

4. The random noises she'd make like when trying to turn on the clapper in Michael's room.

5. Her opinions and beliefs, which I have increasingly come to share with her.

6. Her love and friendship, which was never doubted.

7. Her maternal instinct.

8. Her sense of humor.

9. Her intelligence.

10. Her kind and encouraging words.

11. Her love for Michael.

12. Those funny catch phrases like "I Win!" And "So's your face!"

13. Sincere thoughts and conversations.

14. For giving me the nickname Shunshine, which is so much better than "Pork Chop" and "Shun of a Bitch".

15. "Enchilida starts with an E."

16. For making cuss words so funny.

17. For being the navigator, tour guide, and the person who gets things done.

18. For making life fun.

Love and miss.

Me in 2nd Person and What I Decided While in It

2006-07-23T05:17:00.002-07:00

Wanna know what's awkward? Running into someone you like who rejected you and/or having your friends talk about that person while you're there while you still have feelings for him. Your friends know the situation, but it's not like they're trying to be bastards. I mean, they usually throw in an insult at him for you, but that they're trying to do that is a little strange to you because there's really not much to dislike about the guy. Unless you're the one he rejected, of course. And you realize you stand alone.

But it's not that you yourself hate him. You actually miss him. You miss hanging out with him in his room. Or sitting next to him at a restaurant. Hearing his laugh. His inquiries. His responses. Getting to know him.

And out of hurt, you decide that you're just going to forget him altogether, but you can't because he'll be your friends' co-worker. He lives in the building beside you. You go to the same school, and while it's a big campus, for you, it just doesn't seem big enough.

When you see him, you try to pretend like he's not even there. If he does say hi, you manage to give him the most detached reply you can muster out of courtesy. And that's the extent of your interaction.

You feel bad about this because everything he means to you is being reduced to almost nothing with this little show. And you wonder how he feels. If he hurts. If he misses you. But when the only thing he's ever seemed certain about is that he doesn't want to be with you, you're not even sure if he can feel those things because it is you.

And you want him to feel something. You want to have some meaning to him. Some importance. But when he just plays along with you, never stopping himself or you, then maybe you don't for him. And what you're not okay with, he's perfectly happy with.

And you cry because when you can't laugh at the situation you're in, it's the next best thing. You wonder how you ever got to this point AGAIN! Not only do you feel unwanted and unloved, you also feel like the biggest loser in the world. You want to know what's wrong with you, so you can fix it, not necessarily for the person who just rejected you (although it can be the best revenge at times).

You don't want to be rejected again. Not like that anyway. So you decide that you'll fix yourself, which makes you aware of the things you don't like about yourself, and you'll wait for someone else to make the first move.

But for now, you'll send an e-mail. In it, you will apologize for your most recent behavior. You will tell its recepient that you still have feelings for him and that you miss him, but you will not lie and say that you are friends because that is not what you feel nor want at the moment. You will, however, attempt to make him laugh while he's reading it, but most importantly, you will be honest.

And you'll wait.

Changes

2006-07-17T14:06:00.000-07:00

Guess who's back and no longer on hiatus? That's right. Me! I apologize to my faithful readers out there. All three of you. J/K.

So what I have been up to? Let's see. I turned 22, and my posts just stopped, which there's a reason for that I think. I have not been happy with my blog. Some of the posts have been too repetitive. I wasn't a fan of my titles, and truth be told, it's a little blah.

I also haven't been able to write. I have several incomplete drafts, and there's no telling if this one will get posted. But I feel good about it.

I haven't quite made the decision to do the following, but I am thinking of deleting all my previous posts because I'd like a fresh new start. Should I do this, I promise to remain as open and honest as my self will allow me, and I will also provide a list of highlights from my previous entries.

With all that said, I'd like to tell you what I've really been up to.

Work. 7 hours a day are devoted to Ready Crew, provided I don't take the afternoon or morning off, which I don't think I do as often as people joke. It's almost over, and I'm excited because while it's been fun, let's face it. I really just did not want to do it again for a third summer in a row.

Kaitlin's b-day, which was July 3rd. It was a fun night. She turned 20 and got her jam box. I got drunk off two double shots of 151 (I don't recommend this because it burned, and I almost puked it back up.), danced the night away, and had really embarassing pictures of me taken. They will not be posted on here.

I've yet to have a hangover but do know that I am not trying to have one. Ever. I'm actually considering never drinking again, but I doubt it.

I talked to Chris. That's the guy I always speak of. I figured it was okay to say his name considering most people that read this know who I'm talking about anyway, and I'm not really ashamed of it. Plus, it's a lot less confusing to give him a name than to always refer to him as "the guy".

It was a short conversation that went nowhere, and I was a little down at first because I was expecting things to go a little more different. But being there and having nothing to say myself made me realize that it's definitely time to move forward.

I went to see Superman Returns in IMAX (It was awesome!) and received some of the best news I've gotten all summer. It appears that I'll be attending not one but two weddings in '07. The first is, of course, Michael and Jenny on June 9th I believed, and in the month following theirs, Michelle will make the same walk down the aisle the 7th with Marcus.

Michelle, I just want to say I told you so.

And in other news- I went home to Mississippi two weekends ago to pick up my little brother. He's in his second week here before I have to take him home.

Michael accompanied me, which I was very grateful for considering he did most of the driving. It was kind of unplanned, and I was a little nervous about him meeting my family. But everyone was nice as far as I know, and my uncle didn't take off any of his clothes. So that was good.

Once, he came to the dinner naked as a jaybird, tucked his penis in, and sat down at the table. He's an alcoholic, and when he's drunk, it's not something I want any of my friends to witness.

I never realized how lame my state was until returning with an outsider. There was nothing cool I knew of to show him, so maybe that's more my fault than the state's. However, I had to run some errands while I was down there. My license had expired on my 22nd b-day, which I hadn't realized until a couple of days before we left. So I needed to get that renewed. And we had a devil of a time trying to find the DMV, which had moved. Not that I would've been able to find it if it had stayed put in its old location. We had to go through the parking lot of an old furniture store called Crockers on the Hill where there was a white building with no signs whatsoever as to what it might be, and on the far side of that building was a door that led to the new DMV.

If I'd ever been as frustrated as I was that day, I sure as heck can't remember.

I'm trying to stop cussing. Mostly because I realized I wouldn't be attracted to someone who cussed as much as I now cuss. I blame the company I'm in these days. I won't say no names.

But I'm enjoying my brother's company. I don't feel as lonely when he's around, and even though he gets on my nerves at times, I know I will miss him when he's gone. People say I'm a great listener. He's just as good of a listener as I am if not better.

A couple of things have been brought to my attention. One, I'm nosy. I like getting in other people's business, which I've vowed to stop, and two, I'm one jealous mofo, which I'm also working on because neither are very attractive qualities, and surprisingly folks, I've stopped looking for love. Not permanently of course. I just want to give myself time to focus on other things- things I've been neglecting like my health (both physical and mental and arguably spiritual), my friends, my family, my grades, work, and my future plans. I've used this in the past a defense mechanism when things just weren't working out in the love department, but this time I feel like it's something I really want to do regardless of what's happened and what's been happening. I seriously want to change my life.

Just Slap My Ass 22 Times

2006-06-28T15:06:00.000-07:00

Let me just say that this past b-day has been one of my best ever (if not the best), and let me tell you why. I woke up a little early to go to Sunrise Biscuit Kitchen. It's probably one of the greasiest breakfast joints I've ever eaten at, but it's delish. I had a bacon cheddar biscuit and a hash brown. Mmmm. I'm not supposed to be eating bacon, but I make an exception every now and then. I figure my b-day was good enough, and lately, I've been pondering whether or not I'm actually going to become a vegetarian. I don't eat beef, and I rarely eat pork anymore. Anyway, I'm getting off track.

So I had a good breakfast. I returned my car to the K Lot, and I met my co-workers/friends down in the HJ lobby for Carowinds. Yes. Carowinds, which is an amusement park located on the border of North and South Carolina. I was paid $8 an hour for an 8 hour work day just to go to an amusement park! Explanation: staff development activity. How cool is that?

We ran into some rain on the way there, and it was looking pretty bad. We stopped near the park at a Krispy Kreme, and Ashley bought two dozens of donuts in my honor. She definitely won some cool points there because a lot of people bitched about her coming with us. Understandably though. Because of her, we've had to postpone the trip several times, but I think we all forgot that she was ultimately the one responsible for it.

Anyway, that was cool. An even cooler thing was the rain cleared up, and we were able to continue on to the park.

I wasn't too excited that everyone wanted to ride all the roller coasters. I was definitely afraid of them, but I rode so many that by the time, I got to Top Gun, I was actually able to enjoy it. I rode it 5 times! With my eyes opened. The last time I went to Carowinds I couldn't do that, and I even rode in the front one of the five times.

I attribute getting over the fear to Michael who was my roller coaster partner.

I wasn't a big fan of the Borg though. It's not really big people friendly, and I suppose if I lost a little more weight I could also find it enjoyable. But I wasn't a big fan mainly because of that. It was my thighs.

It was a fun day though. I was extremely tired by the end of it. We didn't eat anything until we left, and there was a Wendy's nearby, which is like my favorite fast food restaurant because I can eat there for 3 bucks. And it's delicious. I usually get 2 crispy chicken sandwiches and a baked potato and some water. So that was a little thing that made my day. That and seeing Becca's mom who I really like. We played Cranium together once on the same team, and she was so much fun.

It was the perfect day really because most of my co-workers are my friends, and those who aren't I at least like. And it's a good feeling to be surrounded by people you like/love who are happy to see you enjoying yourself as well as enjoying themselves.

I was pretty much exhausted when I got back, but Jenny, Bert, and Kaitlin who didn't go to Carowinds were expecting us to go out for dinner because it was my b-day. I hadn't really planned for that, and it was kind of a feat to get it all organized. But it ended in success.

We went to Rockfish, which isn't very vegetarian friendly, so we had to leave. We ended up Maggiano's where I had a gnocci (pronounced nee-yo-kee), which is like some potato and dough with vodka sauce maybe? Anyway, it was good, and Bert and Michael shared their appetizers with me, which were calamari and stuffed mushrooms. Mmmm.

It was a lovely evening. I almost forgot my gifts. I got some beautiful hand made cards with very loving and caring words written on and in them. I got a paint by numbers set from Kaitlin, which was really nice considering I've been meaning to get into painting. Michael, Jenny, and Bert got me a razor. Bert also paid for my dinner, and I'm supposed to be getting some sais, which is awesome. Becca got me a book I wanted entitled "Is It a Choice?" It's gay literature, and it seemed interesting. My counselor recommended it, and it had pretty high ratings on Amazon. And I've yet to see what Michelle got me. She usually gives pretty awesome gifts, so I'm excited about that. And we're going to see Superman Returns in IMAX tomorrow in addition to going to the Cheesecake Factory, which I've never been to. I am very excited because I hear it's good.

I even got a b-day shout out from the guy, which confused me a little. I mean, we haven't talked in three weeks, and it's not like we haven't been in the same room during that time. It just really surprises me that he said anything at all.

I kind of realized how weak I am when it comes to him because if he suddenly changed his mind about me, which I really am not expecting him to change at all, all would be forgotten. And I'd honestly try to have a relationship with him because a) that's what I want and b) I really like him.

I'm just trying not to go down that path of what if though because I need something a little more concrete than that.

Anyway, I'm 22, and the older I get, the younger I feel. May I always be young at heart even when I'm gray and old.

And if you're out there love, I'm waiting.

Feelings on the Eve of My 22nd

2006-06-26T18:16:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow's my b-day, and I'm not even excited. I just feel lame. I don't have any plans, and I suppose everyone is waiting for me.

I mean, tomorrow we're going to Carowinds. It's a staff development activity, and it's awesome because not only is the trip free but we're also going to get paid for eight hours. That's $80 just to be at an amusement park with my friends.

I'm a little sad not all of them can come though. The trip has a lot of restrictions. One, no one who isn't on Ready Crew can ride in the vans. Two, we all have to ride together, which means I couldn't ride with any of my friends who aren't. Three, we have to leave 6 hours before the park even closes, which means I might not get to go on any water rides, and those are the ones I like the most. Four, we can't go to Becca's for lunch, so I have to buy expensive ass food at the park. And I'm guessing the list goes on.

I'm still going to try and have a good time keeping in mind that I am getting paid for this, but it still kind of sucks that it's on those terms. I thought it would be more fun, and it could.

I'm kind of pissed Juan has already called shot gun. I mean, that isn't how it works although I was planning on doing it. I had actually done it before I knew Ashley and Lisa would be driving. I mean, it'll be my b-day, and I can pull that card not that I will because I don't really care to ride shot gun if Ashley and Lisa will be the drivers.

I saw the guy today. I'm still not talking to him, and you know what? I really want to, and I don't know why. I guess I'm just really fucking lonely, and to have someone to chase after even if he doesn't want my ass is better than having no one to chase after at all.

I'm so pathetic. I'm really just lonely, and I want him to feel miserable about the way he's treated me just enough for him to apologize. And I want him to be a part of my life even though I know he probably could never fit.

I don't understand why I still love him. Or at least feel the way that I do about him. Whatever that may be. I pretend like I'm angry at him, but what I really want is for him to just love me even if it's in secret.

I had a Clementine (from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind) moment today where I felt like I was about to have a nervous breakdown or something. I just felt extremely sad and confused about my life and my failures. I suppose it was brought on by my approaching 22nd b-day. I'm getting old.

I just thought my life would be different from what it is now. I'm not completely unhappy. I mean, I don't want to be single another day, but I don't really have much control over that. And I'd like to feel good about graduating in December.

I think everything will be okay in the end though, but I have got to be on things. I could stand to be a little more productive with my time, and I'm in the gym, which is doing wonders for my self-esteem.

I talked to gym guy. It was fairly easy to do. We exchanged screenames, and I Facebooked him. He's definitely straight not to mention in love with a very beautiful young woman who seems as sweet as fucking cherry pie.

I kind of expected it, so I wasn't as disappointed as I've been in the past. But I was still disappointed. They're a very cute couple though, and I'm actually happy for them.

So I guess things are as they should be. I'm going to the gym for me and not to see some boy now. And I'm liking it alright.

Hornet's Nest

2006-06-20T08:27:00.000-07:00

I got into a verbal argument with Juan today in which I almost came to the conclusion that I would never ever talk to him again. I feel pretty extreme emotions. It can be both a gift and curse at times.

Anyway, I honestly don't know what we arguing about. Like, I knew what I was talking about, but I didn't understand his response. Honestly, I think it was just miscommunication. Once I came to that conclusion I felt okay and less angry although still angry. And I realized that there's a lot of shit to be angry about.

It began last night after I got back from the movies with Yihsiao. We went to see The Lake House, which was good. Not great. I liked it though, and I'm glad it wasn't great because that means it won't ruin The Time Traveler's Wife for me.

He said something to me in the car I didn't agree with, and it upset me to know that people have the view that something is psychologically wrong with gay and lesbian men and women. I chose to agree to disagree on that one, so it was okay. But I was still sad.

I guess it's my fault for bringing the subject although I did it indirectly in response to his statement that we all want to procreate. Also, he doesn't know I'm gay, which you don't have to wonder why there.

He also kind of ruined the movie for me. He picked me up late, so we arrived late. I hate miss previews, but I can live with it so long as I don't miss the beginning of the movie. He also talked during it, which I hated. And when it ended, I was trying to experience the emotion a good romantic film invokes within me, which he had his own opinions. But I wish he would've kept them to himself. I didn't tell him any of this though. Why? Because I knew it wouldn't be conducive to the evening.

He didn't particularly want to see this movie, but he wanted to spend time with me. So he compromised. And I felt the least I could do was not bitch at him for it.

Okay, so I'm done with that. Moving on.

On the way to the movies, I saw the guy running. I didn't ask Yihsiao to blow his horn. We didn't stop. I just said, "Hey, I know that guy.". Well, I get back from the movies, and I'm talking to Michael when he gets an e-mail from the guy inviting him and someone else to a pre-marital party for the couple I talked about earlier.

I didn't get an e-mail, and although I had already planned on not going because he was going to be there, which he probably already knew from Kaitlin (just not because of him), I still wanted to be asked by him. I know that makes no sense whatsoever, but I guess...I guess I just wanted him to not be an asshole anymore.

I still have feelings for him, and I'd very much like to be a part of his life. I don't want to date him anymore because that ship has long passed, but I don't want to be fucking invisible to him. And that's how I feel he treats me. It's just hurtful to me, and that hurt is just starting to turn into anger, which doesn't make me feel good at all.

So not only am I not going, I also wasn't invited by him. I was invited by Kaitlin though, but that just makes it even worse in my opinion knowing that he wouldn't have. So why do I want to be there? I don't, but my friends are going. And if anything, I do want to be with my friends, but this is truly an awkward/difficult/hurtful and fucked up situation for me.

So I'm reluctantly spending time alone in which I'll probably clean my room and watch some TV. Not too bad but definitely not exciting or fun really.

Last, there's the Housing Department I claim to hate. I don't. I don't hate an entire department, but I hate the facade of professionalism it carries because it's not. They've fucked up God knows how many times. I'm very familiar with some of those fuck-ups, and while I still believe if there's anything you can count on is people fucking up, it still hurts when no one fucking apologizes.

And I've never been a huge fan of nepotism, which the Housing Department employs, but I'll admit that one of the main reasons I'm not today is because that shit obviously didn't work in my favor. Otherwise, I would've had a job last year.

So I got into an argument with Juan who probably doesn't know all this, and I understood why I was hot. But I didn't understand why he was so hot with me. Maybe the department has been good to him, but he has to know that it doesn't go that way for everyone. When I worked at Carmichael as an RA, I was pretty much everyone's bitch, and I thought that I was helping, you know? Building a community. I thought this is what I had to do to get recognized, promoted, to belong, etc. Well, the shit didn't work for me, and realizing all that today, I was just a pinch close to throwing down my rag and quitting.

I don't want the same people that fucked me over to be in charge of me and the work I do. That seriously bothers me, and it's awkward as hell. Who do I trust?

And to add to all that, the guy also works for Housing, and he'll be in the same community as me. A lot of people hold him in good esteem, and I don't. And I'm not a "if you can't beat them, join them" kind of person. I am an individualist most times.

I want out. December can't come fast enough because that particular part of my life I'm definitely ready to end.

But the argument itself I really don't understand. I feel the same way about a bad worker as I do about infidelity. No one applies with the intent to be a bad RA. There are some bad RAs, but they don't start out that way. If you took the time to apply for the position, you're probably excited about it and want to do well, but shit happens. Exams. Lovers. Family members. Finances. Extracurriculars. Etc.

And let's face it. Some people are going to have shittier lives than others. I understand the job requires you to function during all that, and some people just aren't able to. But it is a job I think anyone can do, and while it makes sense to hire those who can under those circumstances I discussed above, that was never my argument. So I'm a little pissed off that he didn't even listen to me.

Screaming Infidelities

2006-06-19T17:15:00.000-07:00

So at dinner tonight, the issue of divorce came up, and Ashley listed her personal two qualifications for divorce- abuse and cheating. Abuse I agree with. No one has a right to physically harm you or your children, but I think I could forgive cheating. Of course, this depends on the situation and how long I've been with the person assuming I love him and he loves me. Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't be happy with it, but I think I could forgive him because I don't believe people enter into relationships with the intent to cheat. Otherwise, why be in a relationship? When you're not in one you can fuck whoever you want to fuck.

I mean, maybe I'm naive assuming people aren't stupid, which they are, but I honestly don't think people intentionally gravitate towards failure, which would be the result since society frowns upon infidelity. I frown upon infidelity myself, but I honestly don't know what I'm going to do. I find a hell of a lot of people attractive, and yes, I would try to resist having sex with them if I were in a relationship with a really awesome man. But whether or not I succeed? Well, I don't know. I would like to believe that I would because I wouldn't feel worthy of his love if I ever did, but seeing how I don't know I think it would be hyprocritical for me to expect him to still love me and stay with me if I weren't willing to do the same for him.

And as much as I'm in love with the idea, his body doesn't belong to me. I'm not entitled to a damn thing. People look at marriage as a promise, and maybe I'm being cynical here. But how many broken promises have each of us experienced great and small? I mean, people fuck up. That's like the only thing you can expect, and once you accept that, it's a hell of a lot easier to love someone when you realize they aren't perfect.

I think I could forgive infidelity if he truly loves me. How I know that is another issue in itself, but let's say somehow I know. I also require the following:

1. He doesn't wait until he's caught to admit it. He tells me.
2. It couldn't have been with a family member or a good friend.
3. He doesn't expect me to cheat or have cheated just because he's cheated.
4. He understands why it upsets me and takes it to heart.
5. He has to get tested before I will have sex with him again and not be a dick about it.
6. He stops and makes an effort to show me he has by spending more time with me.

If he can do those things, then I will forgive him and stay. I may even forget the whole thing eventually mostly because I don't believe infidelity to equate a person not loving you.

Shooot!

2006-06-16T08:26:00.000-07:00

I feel like this entry is going to be boring because I haven't much to say, which is probably a lie. Let's see. I've been getting a lot of down time, which is nice. I miss doing stuff, but it's kind of fun to just sit in my room and watch tv or go to bed early.

We were going to go out last night, but Bert was feeling tired. So we stayed in, which I liked. I didn't really feel like going out to drink. I mean, I would've been the DD, which I really don't mind. In fact, I think I'm done with alcohol. It's just not that fun to me anymore. I think I'm at a point in my life where I could dance sans the alcohol, which is really important to me. But honestly, I just haven't felt the need to get drunk lately.

Last night was cool though because some friends and I talked until 2am, which is something I haven't done in awhile. I told everyone I stole my grandma's credit card once when I was like eleven or so to purchase the Disney Channel and Nickelodeon. It's a funny story, but I am ashamed to say I've stolen something. But really, what's the point of a satellite if you don't have shit to look at?

It was great though because other people opened up about the things they had done, and we eventually got on sex, which is always a great topic. It seems we're all a bunch of horny college kids. Big surprise there.

Gym guy is starting to come later in the day, which makes me sad. I still get to see him but just not as long. At least, I think he's coming later in the day. Maybe I'm coming too early or something. I really want to talk to him. Just to see what he's about or whatever, but I can't bring myself to go up to him. I feel like I'd be interrupting him or something, and I really don't want to make the first move. I mean, he's probably not interested in guys, and even if he were, I'm not sure I'd be his type. He is my motivation for going to the gym although I really like the idea of having a healthier, sexier body.

My self-esteem is still pretty low, but it has risen. I have my days where I feel attractive, and I think I look attractive. But I guess if no one else validates that, what's the point? It's cool that I think I'm attractive, but I need someone else to find me attractive to get asked out on a date.

Anyway, all in all last night was a great night with the talking except one of my friends said something that was completely unnecessary in relation to me. Well, not completely unnecessary since other people were instigating for us to hook-up considering we both were horny and all. I hate when people do that shit. It's so fucking immature because I don't need someone playing motherfuckin' matchmaker for me.

But what the friend said was along the lines of "No offense Shun. I have friends I would have sex with, but you're not one of them." I'm not going to lie. I was a little hurt by it, especially last night because this came after I revealed how I felt like something was wrong with me since I'd been here for four years with no such luck in the dating department, and this was like a kick in the nuts or something while I was already lying down on the ground after having mace sprayed in my eyes with my hands handcuffed behind my back.

A little dramatic but you get the picture.

I mean, maybe I took it too hard, especially since she's a girl, and I wouldn't have sex with her either because she's not Angelina Jolie and I'm gay. But I would have never made her feel like it was because she was unattractive to me. Even if that were the case. I mean, that's just something I didn't need to know nor wanted to know. If a person doesn't ask for it, don't offer it. That's how I feel.

But I realized that I have awesome friends who are entitled to fuck up like that because you know what? I will too, and I'm just not going to take it personal as was asked. And it only hurt me so much because I myself feel like I'm not attractive. And I also realized in that four year span, I've only tried to holla at three guys, so I guess it's not so bad.

I could probably find sex, but that just isn't what I'm looking for.

So I got invited to this thing for a couple I know who are about to get married, and Kaitlin and the guy are hosting a dinner party for them before they head off to get hitched. I was invited by Kaitlin, and I told her if the guy was going to be there I wasn't coming.

I know it sounds immature, but you know what? I'm cereal. I have a number of reasons. One, I'm not that close to the couple. I worked for one of them, and I see them both on a regular basis. But I haven't had a deep conversation with either of them. Two, I don't want to be there if he's going to be there. He hurt me, and I want very little to do with him if anything at all at this point. He treated me like shit. He took me for granted, and all that's there. Yeah, I could pretend like it's not and have a good time, but I don't really care to do that with him because he was a fucking asshole to me. So no. Dick head.

He did look good in his suit today, but I didn't say a word to him when he passed by. Becca talked to him though. Like, I know my friends would choose me over him hands down, but I kind of wish they'd cut him out too. I'd never ask anyone to do that though, but the thought's there. I'm not going to lie.

So what did I learn today. I'm really angry. LOL. But kewl. Where's my shades? Shooot.

It's Been a Long Time (Thoughts)

2006-06-12T18:53:00.000-07:00

Bored. Out of my mind. It's not like I'm without anything to do, but none of those things I should/could be doing sound appealing to me right now.

I just got out of the shower. It was a long one. I had to shave, and I washed my hair. It needs to be cut. I can't comb it without pain. I need a pick. I had one, but my suite mate took it when he moved out. Bastard. I kid.

Really, I could just buy one, but I never expected to let my hair grow out this long. So I bought a comb figuring I would use a comb before I had to use a pick. Wrong.

I like someone. I don't know anything about him. I see him at the gym regularly. He's pretty much the reason why I go these days. I really want to approach him but haven't a clue what I'd say, and it'd be weird, especially if he turned out not to be gay, which seems to be the case with every guy I've liked so far.

I'm not bitter about it, but God, it's annoying.

X-Men 3 was better the second time around. I went with Kaitlin who's actually quite fun to bring to a movie. As far as X-Men goes, everything made a little more sense to me even though I stand by my previous critiques of it.

I also saw The Da Vinci Code. I'm somewhere in the middle on it. I didn't finish the book before I went to go see it. Where I was in the book happened ten minutes into the film. I think it's a great concept, but I was a little disappointed with its execution. Maybe the book explains things better, but I was kind of lost.

Cars is great. I'm not surprised though. Disney and Pixar are a great team although I wasn't a big fan of Toy Story. Just wasn't my favorite. I can appreciate its novelty at the time though. I really want that Sheryl Crow song that plays at the beginning of Cars during the race. It's hot. An interesting fact is Sheryl Crow and Owen Wilson used to date. Sheryl Crow is featured on the movie's soundtrack, and Owen Wilson does the voice for the lead character Lightning McQueen a.k.a Steve McQueen, which also was a Sheryl Crow song.

That was pointless huh?

Anyway, I'm about to pay the Department of Public Safety $278.07 for a parking permit, and get this. My parking space is nowhere near my dorm. What a rip off! I guess it's better than the PR Lot, which requires a bus or a really good friend to get to. I got K Lot this year, and it's much closer.

I got a fortune cookie today that suggested now is the time for me to make new friends. I don't know why I'm so resistant about making new friends. I guess I just like the people I'm around now although it would be nice to hang out with other people when they're not around. I feel guilty then though. I mean, who wants to be a second string friend? I want all my friends on the same playing field.

I'd really like to get to know gym guy though, but I'm already interested in more than friendship, which I'm beginning to notice something here. What the hell right? I don't even know him. How do I know he'd be someone I'd be interested in dating? I don't.

This is what I see though. I see a very nice looking, attractive guy. He seems like he'd be interesting to talk to. And I could be wrong. But I kind of don't think I am. I don't know how to find out if I'm right though. Maybe if I didn't bring my iPod to the gym I could like talk to him. I love listening to music though.

Today, we did interact though. While I had the cleaning supplies for the cardio, he asked to use them directly after me. Twice. LOL.

My little brother is coming up here in July. I'm so excited. We used to be close, but my lack of presence in his life and vice-versa has had its effect on our relationship. So I'm looking forward to rebuilding that with him this summer. He's going to be with me for awhile, which is also good for him because he has little to nothing to do back home. I don't know exactly what he's going to do here because I'll be working, but it'll at least be a change of scenery. And we'll hang out.

My b-day is coming June 27th. I'm a little excited. I'll be 22. I'm not so anal about getting older. With age comes wisdom and stories to tell.

Speaking of stories, I need to start a script soon.

Revelations

2006-06-07T17:04:00.000-07:00

So Michael and Jenny have left for Miami to take care of Michael's Nana, and I miss them both terribly. I am both glad and relieved that they made it there safely.

My room is dirty, so I'm going to be focusing on that real soon. I wish it were clean enough to actually host something in it.

I walked into a room with Adelaide today. She was almost crying. She didn't want to talk about it at first, which is understandable, but then, she did, which was kind of surprising since we don't really know each other all that well. Apparently, it had something to do with her relationship with her boyfriend.

I keep giving Amanda a hard time about Juan. I asked him today whether or not he liked her. I don't think he ever answered the question, but I learned something about him today. He is not immature like I thought.

And yes, I told him that. It was wrong of me to say such a thing although he still may very well be immature. Just not as immature as I thought he was. He surprised me.

I wished I had never brought up the whole Juan/Amanda thing. I felt a lot better not knowing she liked him, and now, I feel like I've instigated something that could end pretty bad. It makes me feel terrible. I just wanted her to get over Stan. I was never serious about Juan.

We're taking a break from tape scraping tomorrow. I'm looking forward to that. The only thing sucky about my summer is my job. I'm having fun with my friends. My little brother will be up here soon, and I have a b-day the 27th.

In spite of cutting him out of my life, I am still really angry at the guy. I don't understand how he can just ignore me like he has. I mean, he's told me he cared for me, but it just doesn't add up. Why do I feel invisible whenever I'm in his presence?

And you would think communication is key here, but you know what? I've tried that before. It doesn't work with him because he just doesn't seem to get it. And when I see how he is with everyone else, I just know something is up because he interacts with them. He pays attention. He acts like he cares.

So he's painfully out of the picture because someone you love should not make you feel invisible.

Motherfucker.

Anyway, (smile) I'm okay. I see this guy at the gym, and I think he's cute. He's normally on the bikes, and he wears green shorts with like a black and white trail on the sides. He has sort of curly black or brown hair, and I've seen him every time I've been there except for today when I was supposed to point him out to Becca.

I desperately want to speak to him, but I don't know what I'd say. And it'd be weird. I've guessed what his name might be. He looks like a John. He's really cute to me.

Even though I would very much like to experience a relationship and love, the thought frightens me. I fear I'm not ready.

Want to hear something funny? Today, while I was at the gym, I was on an eliptical next to my old counselor from CAPS. How freakin' bizarre?

It made me think of him, and I realize I'm looking for signs that maybe (in spite of all the things that have happened) we are meant to be together when what that really means is maybe I should go back to counseling.

I don't really feel I need it though. I don't expect a relationship to manifest with him, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't want it too. And I don't understand why either. It's not like he turned out to be the man I thought he was. He's way worse and less cool and amazing. I just can't let go of the idea I held of who I thought he was.

God, I really need to let go of him, and I should be more straight forward in my actions.

In a "You Oughta Know" Kind of Mood

2006-06-05T17:37:00.000-07:00

I haven't been in the best mood today. I deleted two contacts from my e-mail address. They belong to two people I never really care to talk to again. I am so hurt, and I don't know how much of that is my fault or theirs. All I know is it can't be fixed, so they're gone.

Is it necessary? I think so. I can't deal with meaning so little to someone they don't return an im or invite me to do something with them even if it's not alone. I can't. I know I deserve better, and I am mad at how I've been treated. And if I could do something about it, I probably would.

I am very angry, but I can think of nothing better to do than to just walk away. Better things await, and I have to get rid of the hatred before I can welcome these things into my life. But for the moment I am enraged. I'm in a "You Oughta Know" kind of mood.

Other than that, not much else happened today. I went to work, and I worked out. I made fun of Amanda and Juan. I'm not sure they really like each other. I think Amanda might like Juan, but I'm not sure if he likes her. And I kind of like him.

I mostly think he's attractive. He's not someone I could see myself with (and probably for good reasons). Although his actions are questionable at times.

The only reason I put them together like that is because Michael thinks Amanda should date other people (in other words, someone other than Stan, which was her fiance at one point). I agree with him, and she and Juan have a few things in common. They're both athletic and health oriented. I think there's some chemistry.

I don't know. I just think it's funny. I'm going to stop because I don't want Amanda to get hurt. I really think she likes him, but I can't tell if it's mutual. If I had to guess, I would say it wasn't.

She's really pretty though. If she wanted too, she could easily find someone. It's a lot more difficult for me, especially since I can't seem to tell who is or isn't gay. It annoys me, but truth be told, I haven't found a gay guy I've liked yet. I mean, I've found some attractive, but they tend to have not so attractive personalities.

And I want someone who's a good balance of both masculine and feminine energy. Like, maybe he likes to play sports, but instead of watching them on TV, he watches a cooking show. I don't know. I kind of want someone a little more like me. I mean, I don't play a lot of sports, but...I'm going to put my foot in my mouth.

The more masculine, the more attracted to the guy I am. Like, I'd hate to end up with a guy that was a closet case, but I want someone who's a little rugged. I don't really care to pass for straight, but that's just my preference.

I talked to my mom the other night. It was great catching up. I really miss my family, but that tune changes once you're home and suddenly living amongst them again. Still, I miss them, and I pray things will get better for us all.

I wouldn't exactly say I've gotten more religious, but it doesn't hurt to ask that the people you love whether friends or family be taken care of. I don't really give much thought to my enemies.

I don't really have enemies, but I have had people who have hurt me.

Michael hurt me today. He didn't mean to, but it's just the way he says things sometimes. I just wish he knew he doesn't have to talk to me like that. We're on the same page. I know he respects me, and I respect him. Anything he asks of me I will pretty much do, but all I ask is that he try to remember to do so in a nice and respectful manner. I don't need commands. That isn't how it works. He did apologize and hugged me, which was nice.

We had an awesome dinner and played some volleyball. Both of which I were too tired for. I worked out for about an hour and a half beforehand, and I am pooped.

By the way, The Break-Up...not so good.

Going to the Movies

2006-06-02T13:28:00.000-07:00

So I'm going to the movies tonight with some people. I invited the guy, and he will be there. I wonder is it annoying I always refer to him as "the guy".

Anyway, I saw him today getting ready to run. Apparently, it's something he likes to do. Not that I didn't already know that. I'm kind of making fun of the fact that it's one of the few things he's let me in on knowing that he likes.

I think I still have feelings for him, but they're in check or something, which is good. He looked good. A lot of people don't like his long hair, but I do. I don't think I'd like it too much more longer though.

I'm wondering am I going to have a good night tonight. We're going to see The Break-Up, and I'm not as enthusiastic about it as I used to be. One of my co-workers Juan thinks it's going to be awful, but he wants to go see Nacho Libre. Chances are Nacho Libre will be better than the break-up because it's more comedy, and everyone loves a good laugh. But Vince Vaughn is pretty entertaining, and maybe I'll enjoy the romantic aspect of it.

I haven't been hating on Ashley as much, and I'm doing a good job at work. I try to get out of it, but when I'm working, I'm the best tape scraper there ever was. Having an iPod is key though. Listening to music helps me make it through the day. I feel bad that I'm not talking to people, but I've ran out of things to say. I like everyone, and I like hanging out with them outside of work. So I think it's cool.

I've started the grad school search. I haven't come up with anything yet, but I'll post the results asap.

I shaved. The facial hair is gone. I look about 5 years younger. While I do miss the facial hair somewhat, I like being clean shaven. I think I look better.

Michael finally gave me Ubuntu, which is a Linux operating system. It looks pretty neat, but I haven't been able to dual boot with Windows, which is where my music is. I can't think of anything else there of importance. I have a few scripts I would like to get I suppose.

I'm hooked on Lost. I really like that show. It's so freaking addictive.

Well, I should clean my room and shower. I'm going to try and reboot with Windows, so I can at least do all this to music.

Life at the moment is good. I feel some sadness, disappointment, or whatever, but it's not bad.

Ghost Rider, Losing the Haterade, and Dreams of a Sweet Date

2006-05-31T15:54:00.000-07:00

I just saw the trailer for Ghost Rider. It looks f-ing amazing! OMG! I'm excited. But then again, I was excited about X-Men 3 too.

This will be awesome though. Too bad it doesn't come out until February of next year. WTF? : )

I still haven't seen a trailer for Snakes on a Plane, yet I damn near laugh every time I say the movie's title.

I got a little tipsy last night with Kaitlin, Becca, Michael, and Esteban (a.k.a Steven). It was fun. We played this crazy ass card game that promotes alcohol poisoning if Kaitlin makes your drink. Her screwdriver was like 80% vodka, 20% orange juice. But the game goes a little something like this. If you pull a 2, you pick someone, and they have to drink. 3 is me- meaning you have to drink. 4 is floor- last person to hit the floor looses and has to drink. 5 is stay alive. Last person on his or her feet has to drink. 6 is chicks. 7 is heaven. Last person to put his or her hands in the air looses and guess what? has to drink. 8 is hate- meaning you hate on someone. 9 is rhyme, so the person who pulled the card starts with a word, and you pretty much go around the circle rhyming until someone screws up and has to drink. 10 is men. Jack is smack- smack someone's ass. Queen is you drink with a partner, and King lets you make up a rule of your own. It's a pretty sweet game. I liked it. I was so giggly last night that everytime someone said Matt Kasold or mentioned motherfuckin' snakes on a plane, I laughed my ass off.

I worked out today. I almost didn't but am glad I did because I don't feel as tired as I did before. I'm going to start keeping a workout journal and a food journal to keep track of my success or lack thereof.

Lost is a freakin' awesome show. Ryan just lent me the Season 1 DVD, and I'm probably going to spend this weekend watching it. I want to go to the movies at some point to see The Break-Up though.

I invited the guy to dinner tomorrow. He hasn't responded, but I'm honestly going to be okay if he doesn't because I am at peace with pretty much everything in my life right now.

I've been hating on Ashely a lot lately. Most of it's fun, but if she ever heard any of it, I'm sure she'd find it pretty hurtful. And that's not who I am. I mean, I don't like her all that much, but I do care about her. And I'll try to make nice. It's just I feel like she cost me a job I would've really liked to have had. Of course, all that doesn't matter because I wouldn't have been hired back this Fall because I'm a 9th semester. Fucking Housing. Anyway, I'm not sure it's her fault, but from what I've gathered, she's somewhat responsible for it not happening at all. I thought I was over it, but apparently, I'm not.

However, I recognize what's done is done, and once I graduate, I'll never have to deal with UNC-Housing again. Hopefully. I would like to be a CC in grad school. I really hate that I never took a leadership role while I was here, but I have housing experience. So maybe that will give me an up on other applicants should that be in my future.

I'm really excited about the prospect of grad school. I had better do my research.

I'm going a cruise in December. Should be fun. We're going to be booking that soon, which is going to put a hole in my pocket because in addition to that expense I'll have an alignment and oil change due in my car. Hopefully, I haven't f-ed up my brakes. They seem good though. And I have a parking permit for next semester due next month. Still, I know if I don't go on this cruise, especially with my friends, I'll regret it, so I'm not going to bitch. I'm just going to go and try to save as much as I can during the semester. I may even pick up another job if I'm successful in finding one on-campus. I want to work at the Media Resource Center.

I'm still waiting for someone to come and be like, "Hey Shurn, want to go out?" To which I would reply, "Hells yeah!". No. But seriously, I am looking forward to having a prospect, some prospects. It'd just be nice to go out with someone other than my friends who's interested in more than just friendship (and sex of course).

Ugh. I'm not depressed. I'm just anxious for something interesting like that to happen. It'd make me feel special and cool.

Just One of Them Days (Don't Take It Personal)

2006-05-30T13:06:00.000-07:00

Today has been a weird day. Nothing's wrong, but I've felt sad for most of it. Except when I took the afternoon off and went to sleep. I didn't feel anything, and when I woke up, I didn't feel crappy as usual. I made a good decision despite my lack of dinero.

I got the K Lot in the school lottery for parking. I'm not really excited about it considering it's still far away from where I'll be living next year. Still, I won't have to take a bus to get to my car, which is what I've done for the last two years I've been here.

My life is pretty decent right now. I'm not obsessing over that guy anymore. I still think about him from time to time, and I feel a loss, which is saddening. But he feels more my friend now than ever. And I want that. I wish I could have more, and I'm not going to lie. The hope for that hasn't died, but I know it's a helluva long shot. And I'm not going to help. So even if there is a chance, it won't happen because I'm not going to risk my friendship with him to do so.

I'm not feeling terribly lonely either. I like the time alone right now and would probably feel annoyed if I had to share it with anyone. I'm just here in my room, and I can do whatever I want.

I'm going to start researching grad schools later on tonight in addition to doing laundry (among other things I didn't do when I got back from the lake). It's possible Ready Crew will start up its movie night tonight.

Life seems a little boring when you don't have anything to complain about. I've certainly gotten quieter, but I must say I do not miss having a broken heart at all.

Another Day at the Lake (5/28/06)*

2006-05-29T17:54:00.000-07:00

It’s been another day at the lake house, and it was pretty chill. We went to a Sonic’s, and I’ll probably never go again. I’m not liking the fast food genre so much anymore. I wish I grew out of it a long time ago. Then, I wouldn’t be so big. I’m not going to hate on myself though ‘cuz what’s been done is done.

No progress on the swimming though I am getting more comfortable with the water and floating.

I won a game of Harry Potter Uno. It was fun.

It’s pretty boring here but in a good way. I needed this, and I’m sure others did too.

Bert’s reading my Da Vinci Code, which is cool. He’s gotten further with it than I have. I’m just not that interested. I don’t know if that’s with reading in general or this book. I do like reading, but books I like are rare. I usually end up reading ones people recommended to me awhile back and liking them. Like Ender’s Game only the author is a homophobe.

I really hate religion, which is not to be mistaken as me hating God. God is love, but religion supports hatred and violence and bigotry among other things. And our country is so hypocritical. Not allowing gay marriage. Why? Where’s the separation of church and state? If a church doesn’t want to marry its gay members, then, that’s fine because that right they’re entitled to, but for our government to decide that is wrong.

I want kids. Ideally, I would have two twin boys, and I would name them after my favorite literary characters Holden Caulfield from Catcher in the Rye and Ender Wiggins from Ender’s Game. And I’d have a little girl named Alba from The Time Traveler’s Wife. Also, ideally, I’d have a husband and a beautiful home with a wonderful career. I want to do it all.

I’m totally okay if I never have a husband though. Okay, no lie. I’d be sad, but I’d focus on my kids. I really want to love someone, something. Like, I was downstairs petting Molly, which is Jenny’s dog. She has cancer and will probably die soon, and I almost cried looking into her eyes. It’s really sad, but it was a connection.

Obviously, I’m looking for that on an entirely different level, but I hope it’s meant to be for me. I’d really like that. I’d like time to build that before I brought kids into the picture, so they’d be coming into a good home.

I’ll probably end up adopting, which is okay. There are a number of kids out there who need good homes, and it’ll probably be a pain in the ass to adopt. I’m hoping it won’t, but I really want it to happen. So I’ll fight.

A part of me wants a child that not only comes from my DNA but my partner’s as well, but that isn’t possible. Yet anyway. I don’t know if it ever will be, and I’d imagine it’d be expensive. I also can’t imagine anyone doing research on it. Then again, I just thought of this. There are queer biologists and etc., so maybe someone is.

I don’t feel so well. I think I have a headache. I shouldn’t have gotten into the water today. A spider crawled on me. It freaked me out a little, but I got him off. I hate spiders.

The lake is really beautiful. I like just sitting on the dock looking outwards at the water and the trees and houses on the other side. I really want to have something like this someday, and I want to be like the dad on Cheaper by the Dozen 2 where he always does fun stuff as a family. I want a family of my own.

* No internet access this weekend; therefore, I am including the date this was originally typed.

A Day at the Lake and My Thoughts on X-Men 3 (5/27/06)*

2006-05-29T16:40:00.000-07:00

Surpringly, I am having a good time at the lake. I feel a little awkward around Jenny’s parents, but I’m making myself at home for the most part. So here’s how it went. Michael, Becca, and I left Friday afternoon for Charlotte. We spent the evening loading a truck full of Jenny’s family’s things. Is that too many apostrophes?

Anyway, we spent the night at Jenny’s house in Charlotte, and we headed for the lake house that morning. We saw Michael’s mom the previous night also. This is important to mention because I am planning to bring my little brother to Chapel Hill at some point this summer, and Michael has a little brother also. So I suggested we do it at or around the same time because they could keep each other company while we’re at work.

I really want them to be friends, but I’m not about forcing it. Back to the lake house…

It’s gorgeous. It sits on a lake (obviously), and I love just staring at the water. It’s also huge and filled with a lot of nice stuff. I hope to have something like it someday to share with my family and maybe that special someone.

Moving their stuff in wasn’t bad. We unloaded a van, Chris’s truck, and a rental Penske truck. I think that’s the name of the company. I forget how big it is, but it needs like 12 ft. 1 in clearance or something like that. It’s pretty big.

The only bad thing about the move in was the heat from the sun bearing down on us, but it was a great workout. And we went swimming afterwards. We were also fed well, and Jenny’s mom treated us to a movie. She also paid for my gas, which wasn’t necessary…

Okay, it was necessary considering I don’t get paid until the 9^th of next month, but I didn’t feel right taking it even though I did need it.

So I can’t swim, but I went swimming. Well, I used this wonderful device called a floatie? I don’t know what the hell you call those things, but it’s a long tube of foam. It helped me along with Bert who instructed me on breathing and kicking to stay afloat I still can’t do much, but it’s such a big advancement for me because I really fear drowning, which is why I haven’t learned how to swim yet.

I’m self-conscious too, but you know what, who isn’t? If they tell you otherwise, they’re a damn lie.

So that was fun. What wasn’t fun was X-Men 3.

***Spoiler alert***

One, (and this isn’t a spoiler) the theatre we went to didn’t have air. That’s the first time I’ve went to a movie theatre that was too hot. Usually, they’re too cold, but this one was like a fucking sauna. Two, they kill fucking Cyclops off early on in the movie. They also kill off Professor X, but I kind of saw that coming. Three, Storm sucks. It’s not the character. It’s not even Halle Berry I don’t think. It’s the writers or directors that make her character seem somewhat weak, and Storm was fucking awesome in the cartoon. I mean, she was never much of a hand to hand combat person, but they don’t reach the character’s full potential as far as powers go. Four, it’s too short. Five, it has a shitty ending. Wolverine kills Jean Grey. Is that how it goes in the comic? Either way, I think it’s pretty lame. I always thought the Phoenix was separate from Jean Grey and possessed her. Six, Mystique becomes demutantanized as well as Magneto. Seven, too many underdeveloped characters. Ben Foster is so hot now, but I didn’t see the point with his character Angel. Yes, he’s hot. Oh my God, he’s hot. Like, so hot. I’m ranting because I’ve held it in all night. He’s hot. Okay, moving on. Seven, it’s anti-climatic. Magneto bends the Golden Gate Bridge to travel to Alcatraz to kill a little mutant boy that is “the cure”, and it’s pretty much a repeat of the battle in the opening sequence, which is a simulation. Fucking A. I thought it was cool they used those big ass robots from the cartoon though.

Pretty much all the cool stuff that happens in X-Men 3 you saw in the trailer. It’s not a bad movie. It’s a mediocre movie, which makes it bad. I like 2 so much more, and there was no hot Ben Foster in it. Halle Berry also looked good. Famke Jennsen had her moments. And where the hell was Nightcrawler? I heard Alan Cummings didn’t come back because he wasn’t getting paid enough. Don’t know if that’s true, but he would’ve been a cool addition to the X-Men team.

Very disappointing. Kelsey Grammar made a good Beast though, but he seemed somewhat lamer to me in the movie than I remember in the cartoon. Ugh! I miss Bryan Singer. I didn’t know he was gay.

Okay, two quick things. Actually, more than two quick things. First, I want to go to grad school for psychology. I want to become a psychologist, and I want to emphasize counseling over medication. It’s not that I have anything against medication, but I don’t want to be that psychologist that recommends it to someone right off the bat. I’ve had counseling, and that happened to me. I didn’t like it, and I later found it to be somewhat unprofessional. I like the idea of building a relationship with my patients because I like getting to know people. I like helping them, and I enjoy dealing with emotions. It just makes sense for me to do something like this. Plus, I’ll get paid, which will fund my hobby- filmmaking. And I’ll continue writing and trying to sell a screenplay. And I’ll act in my short films or longer ones if I get the opportunity. And when I get older, I’ll teach. I don’t know what yet, but I want to be a college professor. That much I know.

I had dinner with that guy, and it went well. I love him, but I know where we stand. And it’s alright. He’s a nice guy, and I’m rooting for him. It’s hard not to take what I feel and assume he feels it too because it’s so strong.

I’m doing a lot better. I’m praying about it in my own little weird way. I ask God for help, and I’ll talk more about that later.

*And I didn't have internet access over the weekend, so I included the date that I originally wrote this entry on.

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?

2006-05-25T14:08:00.000-07:00

He finally got back to me, and we're having dinner in a little bit. I know you're probably thinking I'm a sell out, and you're probably right. I personally don't think he deserves my time, but I'm giving it to him. I'll try not to make a big deal out of it, and I'll try to enjoy myself. However, I predict we're going to have a pretty boring time. I doubt he's going to invite me to do anything else afterwards, which is fine. But it'd be nice if he were to say something like, "You wanna see my room?".

And I don't feel particularly attractive, especially with this beard. Not that it matters. But I want to feel that way around him. I guess because I still like him.

I'm trying really hard to be his friend, but I've got my problems. And he has his.

I just don't want to fail at this. I know if it happens, it's not my fault entirely, but it's hard to measure just how much my fault it is when I know I still have feelings for him. I don't want to be the main reason it didn't work out. I feel like that's been the case in the past.

He's probably going to look handsome though and smell good, and he's probably going to make me mad at some point tonight. Oh well, I'm off to shower and prepare for what I wish were an actual date.

Eh, Just Me and Angie J (with a shout out to K Dean)

2006-05-24T15:37:00.000-07:00

I don't have much to write about today*. I mean, a lot is going on, but I don't even know where to begin. And it's all internal. Basically the sos (same ole shit).

The guy still hasn't responded to my e-mail requesting we hang out sometime. I haven't sent another, but I check my e-mail every five minutes or so when I'm here, which makes me feel pathetic. I mean, what the hell is he doing that's so damn important he can't return a fucking e-mail? Even if it's, "No, I'm sorry. I'm too busy with work and/or school or staring at my wall." How inconsiderate.

I am joking, of course, but I'm partially cereal (in reference to the South Park episode with Al Gore where Cartman craps treasure- so funny).

Someone mentioned another guy I used to like today. 2/3 of the guys I've liked have work or are currently working for UNC Housing, so it's kind of hard to get away from hearing about them, especially since I too work for Housing. It's a small world really.

Anyway, there was a brief moment where I felt that feeling you get when you hear about your ex (I don't know if this is true since technically I've never even had an ex.), and he/she is doing okay. And you're not angry or bitter anymore. You just remember all the great things about him/her, and a part of you asks yourself why you two never made it even though you probably know why. I mean, I did. He was straight, but we were "friends".

I thought about going to visit him at some point this summer. He's working in West Virginia at a meditation center, but he only gets one day off a week. Lame. I don't know if I'll drive all the way up there just for that. I mean, what else is in West Virginia?

I'm kind of upset I haven't been able to talk to Michael much this summer. I guess it's cool. I'm not hurting from lack there of, but I'm starting to feel less and less close to him. I don't know. Something always changes. Things never remain the same. It's just I depend on him for so much. He's the one who tells me someone isn't good enough for me even though I don't believe that I'm better than anyone else, but it's nice that someone thinks that I am. He makes sense out of my cluttered thoughts. He's been there for me, and now, it's kind of like I'm on my own. And that's fine because it's going to happen eventually. But I wanted to enjoy it while it lasted.

And I have other friends, but I made the mistake of telling them so little about me that I'd have to give them a lot of back story before I could even begin. I mean, some of them don't even know I'm gay, which I don't know how comfortable I'd feel sharing that with some of them.

I hate having a beard. It makes me look old, and I'm not sure I'm going to look good with it once I get it shaped and trimmed. Looking in the mirror, there are so many things I don't like about myself. My chest is uneven, but I discovered today that's pretty normal. No one is symmetrical. My nose is too big. My skin is too dark. My hair is outrageous. I'm too fat. I'm not cute enough.

I'm still going to the gym though, and I'm trying to watch what I eat. I have a lot of healthy stuff in my room, like granola bars and yogurt. I really love the Nature Valley Maple Brown Sugar granola bars. They're delicious.

I'm really trying, but my attempts to lose weight in the past have all been failures. In the words of Bridget Jones, "I think I always will be a little bit big" or something like that, but I don't want that to equate me being undesirable or feeling undesirable, which I've felt that way for a really long time. I'm surprised I even tell guys I like them with the way I feel about myself. I don't know where that nerve comes from. Maybe it's the romantic in me.

I wish I were hotter, but I'm just me. And I don't know how hot I can get. I am trying to improve my looks. I'm doing it for me mostly because I want to know what it feels like to turn a couple of heads when you walk into a room. I want to be approached and asked out on dates by really nice and handsome guys.

And Angelina Jolie if we're ever in the same room. I really would sleep with her. I'm not kidding at all. Not even a little.

I heart Kaitlin Dean- the white version of Lil' Kim.

*I lied huh?

On How My Life Is...

2006-05-23T19:05:00.000-07:00

So I finally figured out why I'm single. It's because if I ever dated someone and he dumped me, I wouldn't be able to get over him. It's that guy again. I sent him an e-mail asking if he wanted to hang out sometime, and it's been three days. And I haven't gotten a reply. Ok, it's really been two days but going on three. I'm not obsessed at all.

Anyway, I just missed him or something, and I talked to my friend Bert about it, which he asked me a really good question. Do I miss talking to the person? Or do I just miss talking to someone I like?

It's a complicated answer for me because I do miss talking to him as a person. Before it got weird (meaning me telling him I liked him and continuing to tell him I liked him even when he maintained that he only wanted to be friends), I really enjoyed his company. He's not a traditionally fun or interesting guy, but he is in his own right. I don't know. It's hard to explain. He's just lovable in my opinion, which yes, I do miss talking to a person I like because even though he didn't like me back, whenever he gave me attention, it was special to me. It made me feel special, which he didn't do that often, but I can remember when he did.

I can't believe he's taking so long to answer. I mean, he's probably busy, but still, if I were important, he'd make the time for me right? I mean, how hard can it be to return one measly e-mail. Damn. I'm frustrated.

I hate that I still have feelings for him because the way I see it, it's completely pointless. I'm in love with a moron who can't see how great I am and would be in a relationship. Why can't he at least acknowledge that?

I'm really disliking love right now. Geez. Why can't this stop happening to me? I mean, I dreamed about him last night, and I can't remember what the dream was about exactly. But it was a good dream. It wasn't a great dream, but it was a good one.

On the brightside, I am working out. I ripped my right arm of out its socket. At least, that's what it felt like I had did this morning. I was really sore.

I mostly do cardio, but I worked in weights yesterday. I was actually impressed with how much I got done. My body aches, which is good I think, and my stomach feels tight.

Today was bad for me though because I was so sore. I couldn't do nearly as much as I did yesterday, which my body will have to build up its endurance. Right now, it's tired.

I need to finish The Da Vinci Code, but I realized I liked hanging out with people more than reading. And reading I do alone.

The Lake House isn't a novel. It's actually based on some Korean film called- you can look that up : ).

You know, in spite of how shitty I'm feeling right now, life does go on, and I bitch too much about shit I have no control over. I'm taking people and things for granted, and I'm not enjoying myself like I should, which, for me, is also can.

Whoa! Deja vu. I swear I've been here before looking at this screen in this lighting with these words with him on my mind.

Anyway, even though life does still go on, it doesn't mean I won't be sad. I've got one too many issues.

The Lake House and Belonging

2006-05-21T08:00:00.000-07:00

I've been seeing this trailer for a new movie called The Lake House, and I'm so anxious to go see it. The trailer looks amazing, and I recognize the song playing in it to be Keane's "Somewhere Only We Know", which is by far one of the most beautiful songs my ears have ever heard. I love that piano.

Anyway, The Lake House has a unique love story. The romance is occuring two years apart. He's in the past. She's in the future. And when I first saw the trailer, I thought it was The Time Traveler's Wife, which is one of the best books you'll ever read in my opinion. Originally, I was reading it because I wanted to be casted in the play one of my fellow Londonites was putting on, but less than halfway through the novel, I didn't get casted. And I still read it, which if you know me, I hold grudges against not only people but things that are also associated with those people. So me to finish that book was a big deal. It was good. But apparently The Lake House was adapted from some other novel I now want to read.

You know what's funny? I know casting directors are still looking for a Henry and Claire for The Time Traveler's Wife, and now that I've seen the trailer for this, I think Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves would have been perfect. Unfortunately, they're doing this picture together, so I don't expect to see them casted for The Time Traveler's Wife.

I love Sandra Bullock. I'm not a big fan of Keanu, but I'm trusting him to do a good job in this picture because I want to like it even though I want to laugh at some of the lines he delivers in the trailer.

I think The Lake House is going to be an amazing film, but it's probably going to have a sad ending, which is why I can't decide if I want to read the novel or see the movie first. I heart romance.

And I heart movies. I kicked off my summer with Over The Hedge. It was really cute and funny. I even got a free poster. I took it actually, but it was free. Up next is the Da Vinci Code or X-Men 3. I'm going to see both, but I don't know in what order. I don't know what's after those. I'll have to post my movie schedule. This is going to be an exciting movie summer.

Happy anniversary to Michael and Jenny! I don't know how many years. 6 maybe? But they've been together for a really long time. Their wedding is next May! No, wait, it's in June. Anyway, that's still like not that far away. I'm excited. Imagine how they must feel.

I kind of feel bad because maybe I sent an unnecessary e-mail to Michael yesterday about how I was upset with him over things that happened throughout last week. I know I should address these issues when they occur instead of letting them build up, but I'm a last straw kind of person. Little things don't bother me until they become a habit. I just hope he understands where I'm coming from. I was actually going to write all about here until I realize he would probably appreciate me telling him first.

I hung out with Bert last night, which was cool. He's a lot of fun. He likes to recall things I can barely remember, and I don't always catch what he says because he's laughing when he says them. So I end up repeating them. And he's like, "That's what I just said." Good thing he laughs about that. I'm starting to feel more comfortable around him, but that it took so long for that to happen bothers me.

I don't like people, and here's why. For me, too much energy goes into finding the right things to say, so people will think you're interesting and fun. I want to be liked. I want people to enjoy spending time with me, but I'm always worried I'm not succeeding at that. So it's terribly exhausing and frustrating because when someone else is having a bad day, I sometimes think it has something to do with me, which is why communication is key. But I feel stupid and arrogant for even asking. And I worry all the time about my relationships. Does this person like me? It's really quiet right now. Why is it so quiet? Ooh, I shouldn't have said that. Why did I say that? Etc., etc., etc.

And the big thing when hanging out with other guys, particularly straight guys is what their reaction would be if they knew I was gay. I think I'm still afraid of getting my ass kicked. I mean, I could defend myself. I'm like a bear, but I'm not a particular good fighter. So I try not to reveal too much of myself by keeping quiet. It's a defense mechanism, but it's their for a reason. I recently discovered the world isn't as open-minded as college life makes it seem.

It's really hard for me to talk to straight men, which is funny because they seem to be the only ones I fall in love with. But we have different interests. They like girls, and I like boys. I couldn't talk to them about the guys I like, especially if it was one of them. And they like talking about sports, which I don't watch and rarely play with the exception of volleyball. Whenever I'm with them, I can just hear "one of these things is not like the other/one of these things just doesn't belong/can you guess which thing is not like the other/by the time I finish this song." And it's me.

Girls are much more easier to talk to. They like to talk about their feelings, which is something I like to do. I'm all about relationships and personal growth and self-knowledge and awareness. I don't consider myself a girl, but I can relate more to them. Unfortunately, I don't quite fit in with that group either. I find myself going back and forth between them, and it sucks to not be a part of a group. But maybe I'm paving the way for a genderless society.

Still, I understand why people are so hesistant to give that up because of the identity it gives you. When you have to create one for yourself, it's a long and often lonely road, which is why hopefully in the near future I will move somewhere with a fairly large queer population.

Someday

2006-05-18T17:06:00.000-07:00

So I saw him today, and by him I mean that guy. It's a little bit different now. I don't know what to say to him. I try small talk, but I don't really like it. I still think he's attractive, and I care for him. But the way he treats me- it's a tad bit too disregarding. And I've been through that before, and at this point, I want to distance myself from that part of my past.

I don't forget. I live with the pain everyday. It manifests itself in my loneliness, and I remember who I've loved. And I remember the names of each one of them who chose not to be with me for whatever reasons they were. They could have all been the same. I don't really know, and that's the problem for me. Not knowing.

And I don't know. It's hard to want someone you don't even know yet, so when people say you'll find someone, it's like, "Okay, well, where is he?" you know? And why do I care about him when I already like someone else?

But the truth is this guy isn't the right kind of guy for me. For one, I think he's in love with someone else. I asked him about this, and he denied it. But his actions are quite contradicting. I mean, why would you go out of your way for someone, especially when they insist that they do not need nor want your help? And he says he doesn't allow himself to be attracted to people, which makes no sense to me because he says he does find people attractive. He's so confused.

He's not very mature or smart. I worry about him. I really do, and I can't believe no one else has a problem with how he is. He never calls anyone to hang out with him. He can't even tell you if he's interested in seeing a particular movie. He's hard to talk to. Impossible even. And he's so different from who I thought he was in the beginning and (I admit) who I imagined.

I just wish other people would call him out on his behavior, so he can see that it's not just me. And I know I'm not the only one because I've talked to other people about it. It's just I like him enough to actually want to spend time with him, and I do enjoy spending time with him. I did anyway.

Why does he have to suck? Why couldn't he have just thought I was awesome from the start and been into me the day we met, and when I told him how I felt, he would've liked me too?

Truth is I don't know what I would've done if he had liked me back. I would've been excited, but I don't have much faith in my ability to develop and maintain a long lasting relationship. My biggest fear is that whatever I'm feeling I'm either making up because I want it so bad or it will pass. I'm also afraid of getting bored or being dumped.

I'm also jealous. Needy. I need a lot of fucking attention. I don't need someone wiping my ass when it leaves the toilet seat, but I'd like someone who would never allow me to go unnoticed. I want to feel special, and I shouldn't rely on anyone to do that for me. But I imagine it must be nice having someone worship you. Revere is probably a better word though. I don't think I should be treated like God.

I just want to know when it's going to happen. If it will happen. I find difficulty in just believing that. I've been waiting a really long time, and I'm impatient. I'm not going to lie, but from the time I first knew a relationship was what I wanted up until now has been a long fucking time. We're talking years, and I'm really envious of all the people around me, people who have been dating for more than five years, people who are engaged. I want to be engaged. Not that I could afford a wedding. Or get legally married in this country.

I just want someone. I want someone because I am lonely, and I want to share my life with someone else. I really do. I especially want him to share his with me. I really like getting to know people. I always don't have the energy to though.

I think I may have a social anxiety disorder. Or maybe it's completely normal. But sometimes, I feel like I don't have much to say. And I don't want to be fishing for things to say. I just want to be quiet until I do, but if I'm too quiet, then people wonder why I'm not talking. So I'm continuously talking most of the time.

I want people to like me, but I don't really know what there is about me to like, which is not to say I think there's anything to dislike. I think I'm a little bit boring. I'll try new things from time to time, and I like going out sometimes. But for the most part, I like being at home. I'm very comfortable just lying on the bed or couch watching TV.

I would like to travel, but it's not something I want to do alone.

I'm not into sports, but I like playing volleyball. I'm too out of shape for everything else it feels like.

I hate working out, but I do it because I want to feel sexy. I want other people to think I'm sexy. I want a date.

I don't like making the first move. Ideally, I'd want someone to ask me out and be serious about it. I don't want to have a doubt that that person is interested in me.

I pray that I attract the right kind of people. I don't want someone sleazy.

I'd prefer a guy who didn't need to be at the center of everything. I'd like someone modest and humble. Confident but not arrogant. I'm looking for a partner, and I don't want to be his sidekick.

I want to truly feel like I'm in love while being loved. I want to be anxious to get home from work just so I can be with him. I want to do things together, like making dinner and setting the table. I want us to be playful and affectionate. I want to be that couple you hear about that you just hate because they're so in love.

I want to find him. Or him find me. Sometimes, I think about him. I know I can't really do that, but I do. I think about what he might look like and what he's doing at this very minute. I really can't wait to meet him, so we can catch up. I suppose I do believe in him, that he's out there.

Oh well. We'll meet someday my lover.

I fucking hate scraping tape.

E'erybody In Da Club Kiss a Gypsy

2006-05-12T07:35:00.000-07:00

Last night, we went to Woody's where I had two shots: a yager bomb and a cranberry stolis, which was nasty. It's a good thing I downed it fast. I couldn't have sipped that shit. I liked the yager though. I've actually had it before. It was the first shot I've taken ever and in London of all places. I danced all night afterwards. Good times.

Anyway, going back to last night, I also had a moose juice. Let me tell you what ingredients compose this sometimes tasty, sometimes bitter drink. It supposedly consists of a 12 oz beer, 6 oz orange juice, 2 oz vodka, 2 oz triple sec (whatever that is), 1 1/2 oz of cranberry juice, and 1 oz of Bacardi rum. Damn. I had like one and a half drinks of that stuff. I was drunk.

We left Woody's to go to Bub O' Malley's for karaoke where John reprised his Eric Cartman version of Come Sail Away. He had done it two nights before at Woody's when they had karaoke night. Bert and I were his back-up dancers, but last night, it was just me. Matt Kasold helped sing, but I eventually got tired of dancing. So I started singing along too. I really like that song, and I like both versions: the Eric Cartman version and the original Styx version. I also like Journey, but they didn't have any.

I saw some familiar faces in Bub's. I saw Justin and John David. I, like, walk up to them, and I'm like, "Hey! I know you. I know you." I think they were surprised to see me so drunk. I gave them both hugs and moved on.

I had such a crush on Justin last semester. He was my Final Cut Pro partner, and I was so into him. I didn't know he was so old though. I mean, he's only 27, maybe 28 now, but he doesn't look it at all. I was really surprised. He's so boyish looking. So is his sense of humor.

John David would be hot if he weren't so freaky looking.

You know, who else is hot? My TA from that same class. He was a little too skinny for my taste, but he had really intense eyes. He also had nice skin for a white guy, and I was also probably turned on by him being my instructor. I caught a glimpse of his happy trail once. Damn, that man is sexy.

And Tom. Tom is a foreign exchange student, and I don't think I've ever seen a more beautiful man. I never got into him because he had a girlfriend. I also have difficulty understanding what he says sometimes, but he has an incredible smile. It's sexy, it's charming, and whenever he does smile, I find myself smiling back. Genuinely smiling back. That's why it's so rare. He also has nice lips, eyes, skin, and hair. His body's not bad either.

I still feel a little loopy. This morning I woke up at 6am. I thought it was later than that, so I got up and turned on the light and television because that's how I usually wake up in the morning when there's no one else in the room to disturb. And I was so thirsty. I bought a gallon of apple juice from Target last night. It's almost gone now.

I almost forgot. I also saw Chandler last night. He's another guy I never really got that much into because he had a girlfriend. He's not particularly all that attractive to me, but spending time with him will get you. He's an incredibly nice person, and he becomes so much more attractive after getting to know him. Hot even.

I think he was also suprised to see me so drunk. It's understandable. I've played the role of a prude for a really long time, but I've always been wild at heart. I get horny. I want to make out. I want table dance. I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want to rock a crowd on karaoke night. Hell, I'd even strip if I had better looking body. Remind me to work on it this summer.

Drinking is fun though. It's a shame we use it to become less inhibited, but I think people also like the feeling of being tipsy. I think that's why people get drink. Forgive me if I'm being Captain Obvious again, but I think it's true. Normally, I would feel like I wasn't getting enough attention, or I'd feel jealous, or sad when I heard a certain name. And I still felt like that last night, but they didn't bother me so much that they held me back from having a good time. It's what I came out for.

I did end up sending an e-mail to a certain person when I got back. I had to use few words because I was convinced that if I did anymore than that I would have several typo errors, and it probably wouldn't be very coherent. I just told him that I wanted to talk basically. We'll see how that goes.

After I woke up at 6am, I did manage to fall back to sleep and had the weirdest dream ever. I dreamed about my first. In the dream, he still had feelings for me, and somehow, I just forgave him for all that shit and invited him to come live with me for the summer. I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about it afterwards but drew the conclusion that that would be a bad idea. That'd be a step backwards, and I've already taken too many of those.

I'm just lonely. I don't understand why I like so many people and not one of them likes me. Don't play me any violins though. If he's out there, he'll come. I just wish he would hurry the fuck up.

Ugh! I don't want to go to work today. Yesterday, our OM had us copying RCFs (room condition forms). That shit was not fun.

Guns, Squid's, and X minus T

2006-05-10T17:13:00.000-07:00

Today, I went to a shooting range with my friend Bert and fired my first gun. It was a 9mm. It had a bit of a kick but wasn't bad. I always thought I'd take my arm off trying to fire one.

I was kind of nervous the whole entire time. Guns freak me out. They're dangerous weapons, and they don't allow for accidents. You have to be extremely careful, and it shocks me how casual some people are with them. But I suppose they're just more comfortable with them than me.

Loading a gun was hot. Firing it was surreal. I wasn't very good at aiming, but that's because I didn't realize how to line the gun up with my target. Once I figured that out, I got better but not by much. My goal is to be able to shoot a shotgun off the back of a horse like Angelina Jolie in Tomb Raider: Cradle of Life. It was an awful movie, but damn, that woman's sexy.

Anyway, it was expensive, but I did like it. So I'll probably be going back there again sometime over the summer.

It's a little white-tastic, and I felt uncomfortable at times. But the people were nice. I just really didn't like that they had a Bush supporter sticker displayed in their entrance door's window, but I suppose that makes sense because I think Bush supports the NRA. Still, I have to wonder what other things they agree with President Bush on. I personally am just not a big fan.

I don't see myself ever purchasing a gun, but I don't see any harm in learning how to use one.

We had our first and only staff development activity as OAs (office assistants) this evening. Our OM (office manager) and CD (community director) took us to Squid's, which from the name you can probably gather that it's a seafood place.

It was a free meal, which I have't had in awhile, and it was on the housing department, which I'm just not liking right now. I really feel like I shouldn't work for people who have screwed me over in the past, but it's complicated because I also have friends who work for housing.

Squid's has a lot of potential. It's a little expensive, but their dessert looked good. I was too stuff to have any after my meal, so it is filling. But I don't think fried food is the way to go there. You can get that just about anywhere, so try something that isn't thrown in a basket and dropped in a deep frier.

I think I'm just tired of fried food. It does something to my stomach, and I know it's not healthy.

A funny thing happened at dinner. We were waiting for our food, and the waitress finally arrives with a tray. She starts serving, but oddly enough, only the white people at our table get theirs. I'm not trying to make this racist. It could've just been a coincidence, but still, wow.

Anyway, one of the other OAs Shanelle called it to everyone's attention, and we all laughed. But you could tell it made all the white people at our table uncomfortable, which was also funny. We kept telling them they could go ahead and eat, but some of them waited. We decided later that what had happened was that all the black people had ordered fried food (coincidence?), which was why ours came late. But I've worked at a fish house. And fried food typically takes less time to cook than something grilled. I didn't bring that up though.

So I'm a little hesitant to go back there. But we'll see. It depends on whether or not I actually believe in coincidences. I didn't see a lot of black people in there.

So I tried talking to the guy I like that doesn't like me but still wants to be friends. He's so hard to talk to. I don't understand why. I just want him to answer what I feel like are simple questions, and I guess that's the problem. I feel like they are simple and different, which he doesn't. He thinks they're all the same and feels that by answering them he's just repeating himself. So he doesn't, and we sit in a room staring at each other and not talking. Or mad at each other, which I hate because even though we aren't in a relationship, it's beginning to feel like the end of one. He gets short with me and has even stopped listening to me, and if there's one thing I don't like, it's being ignored.

He's not a bad guy, but he just isn't trying. He doesn't see that our relationship is superficial, and I don't want that. I don't expect him to give me a relationship. I really don't. I mean, I would like it, but I don't expect that of him. I just want to feel like I'm worth something to him, that he wants me around, and if I'm not happy, I want him to be concerned and do what he can to help the situation. I need him to be more of problem solver, but if that's not in his nature, I need him to be able to just listen to me. Really listen to me and hear what I'm actually saying instead of what he thinks he's hearing. I really believe there's some miscommunication there. I want to be his friend. I don't think it's going to be easy, but I am really trying. And with the way I feel about him, which I don't even feel he acknowledges, it's a lot of work on my end. I really get upset with him for that.

He is so handsome. I don't think I've ever been so physically attracted to another person. Could this be a revelation? What if it's just his looks? He honestly doesn't have much of a personality. He doesn't really want to try new things, and he hardly ever has anything to say. He seems empty. I always feel like there should be more to him, but what if there isn't? What if there is? I really want to know if there is, but I suppose I can't if he won't let me in.

I guess I'm in love with his potential.

Stripped Pt. 3 (the coming out entry)

2006-05-08T06:13:00.000-07:00

Michael was the first of my friends that I came out to, and it was sort of accidental. I needed to talk to someone about what had happened with my roommate. Of course, I made it difficult to do so by avoiding the pronoun he. Michael picked up on it and asked me to use a gender neutral name like Pat. Because he already seemed to know what was up, I came out to him later that day. Sometimes, I don't know whether to be angry or glad that people have already made that assumption about me.

I came out to my friends one by one sometimes with large elapses of time between them. Michael told some of our friends for me. I haven't came out to all of them, but the ones I consider myself closest to I have. In spite of how comfortable I feel with them, those were still awkward times. It's an extremely long process, and I don't know how to bring about its completion. Maybe there's some part of me that hasn't embraced it yet.

Contrary to what I told my roommate, I did love again. Of course, with the same results. My gaydar must be broken.

The first guy I met on an outing to the movies with my friends George and Bert. Coincidentally, he had been in Argentina the same semester as my roommate whom he knew. I really don't know what it was about him. He was quiet, reserved...I don't even remember finding him all that attractive. I guess it could've been that he was a mystery to me, and like a puzzle, I wanted to solve him.

I did like him the more I got to know him. I found out he was into meditation and yoga, and I didn't really notice his body until someone else pointed it out. But he was pretty athletic.

I didn't get the chance to tell him that I liked him. We hung out for the first time alone one night, which I initiated, and I was so nervous. I don't know why. It wasn't a date, but it felt like one. We had dinner and went to a comedy show, and it was really nice. At first, it started off kind of slow, but we started talking more. He started asking me questions about work and music I like, and I became excited. I remember thinking this could actually go somewhere.

Well, on the way home, we stopped at my dorm, and I told him I had had a great time. He said the same, and we said goodnight. I had begun walking toward the entrance to my dorm when I heard him ask me to hold on. I turned around. My heart was jumping, and he said to me, "This wasn't a date, right? Because I'm like heterosexual." I still think that's my most embarssing moment. The world just felt like it stopped, and if I had been white, I would've been redder than a boiled lobster.

I told him no, that it hadn't been, and he later called me that night to apologize. We became fairly decent friends after that, but I ran into some of the same problems as with my roommate. I still liked him and found him attractive, and whenever I was with him, I wanted to be with him.

Another coincidence is the guy I now like used to be the resident of the guy I liked before him. I met him one evening while Michael was doing work on his computer in his room. I would've never went there if I didn't have a gift for Michael. He and his girlfriend then, fiancee now have this thing where they call each other lobsters. They get it from Friends where I think Phoebe tells Rachel Ross is her lobster. Supposedly, lobsters only mate once or something like that.

Anyway, I found two stuffed lobsters in a store and decided to get them for Michael and Jenny, and I couldn't wait to present the lobsters to them because I thought it would be a good gift. So I went to the room Michael was working in, knocked on the door I have now probably knocked on a thousand times for the first time, and fell in love with the man who opened it.

It wasn't love at first sight though I did find him attractive. He had a nice smile. It was very boyish and charming, and he was really nice. I could have easily called him a friend after that meeting.

Anyway, Michael liked him and started to invite him to do things with us, and though I could be wrong, I could've sworn he talked more to me in the beginning than he did with anyone else. He would also sit next to me, and I suppose none of that was intentional. But I knew I wasn't trying even though I must admit a part of me always wanted him to sit next to me. I wasn't trying because I was still getting over the guy that was before him.

I had the most fun with him one weekend. All my friends had went home, and I didn't have anyone to hang out with. He had already invited me to come over sometimes and watch a movie, so I took him up on his offer. We talked effortlessly, and I got to know him very well. We hung out the next day, and every since then, I've been going to his room.

I told him that I liked him in an e-mail. I decided to do it more sooner than later because I was falling. He took a long time to answer, and he later told me why. He said that he wanted to choose his words carefully. They were kind. Unfortunately, they weren't exactly what I wanted to hear, but it's good that I remember that because now I realize that he cares.

Once again, I was difficult. I don't do well with rejection, but then again, does anyone? The current situation with that is that I still have feelings for him, and because they're so intense and so strong, I can't be near him, which is hard for two reasons: 1) he works and lives in the same community as my friends and 2) I miss him. But the relationship we once had I feel is something that I've just fucked up and can't get back no matter how hard I try. And now, I have to live with that mistake.

I don't think the mistake was telling him how I feel. He should know how awesome he is and that he is loved.

But the truth is I don't think I could've done anything differently. I felt what I felt, and there was no way I could've pretended otherwise. It was there for me. That feeling that there isn't enough time in the world for me to spend with him was there. Whenever I saw him, I just wanted to run up to him and hug him, and if I ever doubted how I felt, all I had to do was look at him looking at me. And it'd be there. I wanted to know all things about him.

So that's the here and now. My sexuality hasn't given me a lot to celebrate, but I'm anxious to see what it'll bring in the future- hopefully acceptance, comfort, and love.

I came out to my mom last year, which was a pretty big deal. It seems that even she had her suspicions about me, but she told me my happiness was important to her and that she would love me no matter what. Not every queer child gets that.

Now that I think about, I'm lucky I didn't get my ass kicked or killed.

Conclusion.

Stripped Pt. 2 (the coming out entry)

2006-05-07T10:49:00.000-07:00

I didn't see anyone else during high school. I think there may have been one or two guys that were interested in me, but I could never tell. I took art class with these two guys, and my friend and I would always pretend to flirt with them. Of course, for me, it wasn't pretend because I actually liked one of them. He kind of reminded me of Josh Hartnett though not as nearly as good-looking.

Don't ask me how all this got started, but they responed to the attention in a fairly positive way. It's kind of funny because the one guy I was attracted to I couldn't stand in junior high. He was such an ass back then, but I guess he grew out of it because flirting with him was fun. One day, I whispered something sexual in his ear, and he asked me was I serious. I told him no, but he followed me to the bathroom later that day and rubbed himself against me. I was a little freaked out. Needless to say, my friend and I stopped pretending after that.

I didn't feel particulary attractive in high school. I was never a small person, but I gained more weight. I also had bad acne. It was so bad that at one point someone asked me did I have chicken pox. I tried all kinds of over the counter products and evenutally started taking medication. I had to stop though because of the side effects. My throat would get really dry.

It was during this time that I discovered the Internet, and I began online dating. I had my first "boyfriend" from the UK named Niall. His name changed about three times over the course of our online courtship. I never saw a picture of him, and I never knew his age. But we remained pen pals for an extremely long time. I didn't stop writing him until my Senior year in high school.

I couldn't wait to graduate from high school. I really didn't know how I was going to pay for college, but I had the grades. And I wanted to go. I was even awarded a scholarship, but I made the mistake of applying to only one college. I think I could only afford to apply to one. College application fees were around $50 , $55 dollars. The college I chose to give that money to was Tulane. I'd visited New Orleans once, and I loved it. I loved the history, the culture, and the food. It was also far enough away from home but still close enough to visit should I ever want to on a weekend.

I was in love with that school, but unfortunately, I didn't get accepted. I think it was my essay. It was a disappointment, but I had a back-up plan. Junior college. I commuted my first year, and I did extremely well. I had a 4.0 GPA at the time I was filling out my transfer application to UNC-Chapel Hill.

I was introduced to UNC by MTV. There was a really cute guy on a show I watched solely just to see him, and I didn't know he was gay at the time. But he went here. And I was in love. I basically pulled a Felicity although contrary to what many believe I did research this school before actually deciding to apply. I didn't expect to get in, but when I did, I saw it as a sign that me and this guy were fated to be together.

So I left home for the first time, and I almost cried boarding that Greyhound bus. I should have never looked out the window at my family as it pulled off. My aunt was in tears.

I was excited though. I felt like this was the opportunity I had been waiting for. I was starting a new life. I was about to meet the man of my dreams. I was on the road to success.

I hated it here at first. I ran into my "dream guy" a couple of times, and he even spoke to me once. But I lost interest in him. I had managed to make a few friends, but culturally, we were so different. We fought like warring nations all the time. I didn't like that they thought I was naive. I'm sure I was, but I wasn't by any means dumb. I just felt they were the kind of people who didn't think that they could ever be wrong about anything, and it was difficult to talk to them because I always felt like they talked down to me. I think I would've given up and come home if it hadn't been for my roommate. And my mom. Before I left, she gave me a military medallion with the words "all the way". That's the best gift I've ever gotten.

I had a really awesome roommate. He was one of the nicest people I've ever met. He knew I wasn't enjoying myself, so he started inviting me to do things with him and his friends and eventually his family. I wasn't terribly fond of his friends, but I got along with them more than I did with my own friends. I loved his family. I spent Thanksgiving with them, and I felt like I was part of it. He was really someone I could talk to that I also had fun with, and it didn't take long for me to develop feelings for him.

I wasn't sure if he was gay. He never talked about any girls he was interested in, and he allowed me to put my feet in his lap if I wanted to stretch out on the couch. He hugged me a lot, which I rarely instigated, and we would stay up late past 3am in the morning just talking.

When I spent Thanksgiving with his family, he crawled into the guest bed with me. He did this while I was asleep, and I woke up. I remember thinking I was dreaming until I later woke up again that night with him still lying next to me. I watched him sleep for a little while but couldn't get comfortable enough to go back to sleep, so I slept on the floor. We never really talked about that.

The next semester he studied abroad in Argentina, and I wrote him everyday. I wanted to tell him how I felt, but I could never bring myself to do so in my e-mails. I never thought I would tell him, but when he came back, I somehow worked up the courage. I sat on the floor of his room with my legs crossed. I must've seemed so long-winded to him because it took me forever to get to the point.

I did all that just to hear him say he didn't feel the same way. I was so disappointed, devastated even, and it wasn't until the next morning that I realized what I had done. I had the first of several panic attacks that semester.

I took the rejection hard. I didn't understand it. No matter what he said to me, I found a contradiction in one of his previous actions. I couldn't remain friends with him although I think we both tried. It was too painful for me, and I became too difficult for him.

To this day, I still have feelings for him. He's the only person I can pinpoint the exact moment I fell in love with.

To be continued...

Stripped Pt. 1 (the coming out entry)

2006-05-06T17:20:00.000-07:00

I'm gay. I've pretty much known that since the day I understood what the word meant. I didn't tell anyone then, and I'm just as hesistant to tell people now. I suppose that's what happens when you keep something a secret for so long. It becomes increasingly more difficult to talk about.

I've been outed a couple of times, but all was either forgotten or ignored or disbelieved. Looking back, I can't believe how lucky I was, but I have never forgotten those acts of betrayal some of which were committed by relatives and ex-lovers- all whom I never doubted trust and discretion would ever be an issue.

I haven't had a lot of sexual experience, but I've had some. I go back and forth about it. Sometimes, I regret every single encounter. A lot of these took place in my early teens, but I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy them. So I learned to compromise regret and the pleasure I got out of those experiences. That, of course, is recent.

I fell in love with one boy, and he's only worth mentioning for that reason. He was really cute. He had light-skin and curly hair. He was both tall and skinny, and for some reason, he liked me. He gave me my first kiss with tongue. I didn't like it at first. Neither of us were very good at it, but he improved. I don't know if I did, but it became bearable.

We never considered ourselves dating. I'm not sure he ever considered himself gay. I wrote a letter to him once. This was after spending an entire summer away from him, and I wanted to know if he still liked me. I gave one of his brothers the note, which was a big mistake because they ended up reading it and teasing him about it. So he had to respond no. I didn't know all that at the time, so my heart was broken. I always held that against him, but I now realize I put him in that situation.

In spite of that little fiasco, we continued to see each other off and on. He didn't have a very stable family, and he moved a lot. But whenever he was close, we would get together, and it'd be like we'd never been apart. It didn't occured to me that in between there he was seeing other people. I mean, I was too but not nearly the amount of people he was, and where I was exclusive to just boys, he wasn't. I don't know if that was my fault or not with the note. He might have felt pressured by his brothers to date girls.

Because of all that, I begin wanting a relationship where we would both be exclusive to each other, and I tried to seal the deal with sex. As far as I know, we were both still virgins. I'd had some pretty heavy petting sessions but nothing more than making out. This was about ninth grade. I offered him oral, and he asked was I sure. I told him yes, and we did it. He reciprocated although I didn't find it nearly as pleasing as he did. We did it a couple of times afterwards, and it did bring us closer. But it also tore us apart. He later told some people about it, which drew the attention of other boys. That I never forgave him for. I remember the last time we were together. He tried pulling me close to him. I didn't want him to touch me, so I pulled away. He left, and after more or less three years, that was the end.

Since then, I've liked a number of guys. They're predominantly white now, but I swear I'm an equal opportunity dater. I'm a beggar these days, and beggars cannot be choosers. I think a reason I may be attracted to white guys is I see a lot of them on campus, and I interact with them more than any other race. I don't think that decision is conscious. My first year here at UNC I had a white roommate, and I fell in love with him. Neither of those were intentional. I also had a white roommate this year. I didn't fall in love with him. I was the only black male on my staff when I was a RA in Carmichael, and I don't see a lot of black men in the classes I take.
Most of my friends are white, but I don't think of them as white people. I think of them as friends, and I also think that way in terms of attraction. If you're hot, you're hot. Yes, I recognize a pattern, but I also see that there isn't that much diversity at this school. There are more white men than black here.

I'm defensive about this because I get picked on by Michael, but it's also a relief to realize that it has little to do with white equating beauty for me, which is the case for a lot of cultures. Supposedly, the lighter you are, the more attractive you're perceived to be. That's definitely been an issue in the black community with the brown paper bag test.

To be continued...

Message Will Self-Destruct in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

2006-05-06T13:32:00.000-07:00

Saturday. Come on. Enunciate the word with me. I'm bored. I just showered, which required me to go home across the street to my dorm. I spent the night at Michael's, and his dorm is across the street from mine. Before that, I went to Chilli's with Becca. I had this huge chicken sandwich with fries and ranch dressing. Mmmm. Delicious and fattening. I wanted to order an alcoholic beverage, but the one I was looking at was like $5 bucks. I said no to that. I also said no to dessert. I was going to get this thing called the volcano? with chocolate cake in the shape of a volcano with a scoop of vanilla ice cream on top with chocolate drizzle down the sides. It looked really good, but there was no room for it in my belly. I didn't even finish the sandwich and fries, but I got a to-go box.

After lunch, Becca took me to Target to buy Jenny's b-day gift. I'm not going to say what it is because she may read this, but I will say it's something she wanted. Finding the perfect gift for someone is difficult, and I finally understand why. There is no such thing, and no matter how much you know a person they'll still be hard to shop for when their b-days arrive or the holidays. I used to not like asking people what they wanted. I really liked the idea of surprising them, but after receiving a few things that now clutter my space I don't like or use, I no longer think it's such a bad idea. Besides, it makes more sense to spend money on something people actually want than to waste money on something they don't want and are forced to pretend to like after opening it. I'm sorry if I'm being Captain Obvious here, but it's new to me. I'm glad Jenny's finally turning 21 though. I offered to buy her first legal drink. It should be a fun night.

I saw Mission Impossible 3 last night, and this will probably sound surprising. But I didn't think it was going to be any good. For an action film franchise, it has one of the weakest movie trailers I have ever seen. Iwas really disappointing. I've been excited about this movie ever since I heard they had begun filming, and I almost didn't go see it because it had a bad trailer, which would've been a mistake because it was actually good. So folks, don't judge a movie by its trailer. For those of you expecting to see a lot of Keri Russell though, don't hold your breath. Phillip Seymour Hoffman is one of the best villains I've seen in a long time, if not ever, and you know what? I want to be a secret agent. I want to travel the world, save it, shoot big guns in slo mo, play with high tech gadgets, and get laid without the fear of contracting an std.

I'm looking forward to a number of movies this summer. It's funny because every single preview shown before the movie featured one I wanted to see. I don't remember the order, but I want to see The Break-up with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn. I really like relationship movies, and this one looks promising. I'm not a terribly big fan of Jennifer Aniston, but I want her to have a good movie. And I so want it to be this one. Over the Hedge looks good, which is about a group of forest animals who comment on surburban life while disrupting it. I'd also like to see Pirates of the Carribean 2 and of course, X-Men 3. They have awesome trailers. Plus, they're movie franchises now, which gives them bigger budgets, so they can do more in the realm of special effects. I worry about story though, but at the very least, they'll both be entertaining. Bert is really excited about Nacho Libre with Jack Black. I can't say that I am, but I owe him one with Elektra. I didn't see the trailer for it last night, but I also want to see Superman Returns.

I'm sure I'll be adding more movies to my list, which is why I picked up one of those little movie cards last night for myself and my friends. If you go to the movies enough, they'll eventually start giving you free stuff like popcorn and free movie tickets.

I like blogging.

Final-ly Done

2006-05-05T17:58:00.000-07:00

So I’m finished with finals. Yay. I think I failed my philosophy final, which if I did, I deserved to because I didn’t study. I don’t like failure anymore than the next person, but I think it’s okay to fail so long as you learn from it. I’ve learned to work harder, but at the same time, I can’t ignore my mental health. I know at least two people on medical leave from school because they cracked under the pressure. I’m pretty sure I didn’t fail the class, but I expect my GPA to drop another .1. That I don’t need, but I’m going to apply to grad schools regardless of what it ends up being.

I’m anxious for the summer. I’ll be working ready crew for the third summer in a row. I wish I would’ve gotten an internship or something cool, but my time is winding down here. I’d like to spend as much of it as possible with my friends. Supposedly, my boss isn’t happy because she was under the impression I’d be working full-time. It’s not an issue really because I’ll be full-time. I just didn’t know I was hired as a full-time employee, so I tried to get an internship with the Communications Dept. here. That didn’t work out, so I’ll be full-time. I just think it was funny she was upset with me. I’m upset with her I wasn’t a RA this semester. I don’t know how much blame (if any) to place on her though.

Michael is a friend of mine who has a friend named Melissa who also has a blog http://irrsinn.net/. She has a boyfriend, and I don’t know much about either of them. I just think it’s really cool she calls her him WO, which, I think, stands for weird one. That’s like the cutest thing to me.

I hate facial hair. It looks good on some people, but I just can’t stand to have it. It itches like hell, and I’m mentioning it right now because it’s making me loose focus. I have friends who like it, and I think there are some guys who look good with facial hair. However, I do not feel I’m one of those guys.

I finally saw V for Vendetta (http://vforvendetta.warnerbros.com). It’s one of the best movies I’ve ever seen, and I have this thing where if I really like a movie I’ll buy it the day it’s released. This will no doubt be one of those movies. See it if you haven’t, or if you know me, we can watch it together when it comes out on DVD. I think the film draws parallels to the Bush administration and September 11^th, but it’s really dark in what can happen to a country where people surrender their freedom and their voice out of fear in exchange for security. And what if the event or events that caused this to happen were actually planned and implemented by the government? It’s really something to think about. I especially like when the character V says, “People should not fear their government. The government should fear its people.” One of the movie’s most powerful moments for me is when one of the characters Evey (the smart, the talented, the beautiful Natalie Portman) learns to live without fear. I want to come close to that feeling some point in my life because I think it’s important to live like that. Imagine having that kind of freedom in your life. It seems God-like.

The new religion I’ve been researching is Kabbalah. There’s very little I know about it, but I think one of their core beliefs is to become God-like. I still have more to learn about it, and I’m kind of excited and a little nervous because the last religion I researched was Scientology. I’m researching different faiths because I have issues with Christianity. I believe there is a God, but I don’t know if I believe in the Christian God. How He is defined by Christians and the Bible I don’t agree with. I’m hesitant to call him a He. Gender is something I feel we created. Anyway, my thoughts are a work in progress, and I hope in the future I can talk to you in more depth about this and what I have decided.

Until then, later days folks.

Hello World, This Is Me

2006-05-04T14:45:00.000-07:00

Hi there. I’m Shun, and this is my first blog. In case you were wondering, L'Esprit Pas Immaculé is French for “spotless mind”. The translation comes courtesy of freetranslation.com, so it may be incorrect. Still, I like it. I’ve taken a couple of years of French, so I decided to incorporate it here. I’d like to become fluent but am no longer taking any classes. Perhaps, I’ll get a book this summer and teach myself.

Anyway, I’m 21 going on 22, and I feel old and unaccomplished. X-Men 3 star Anna Paquin won an Oscar at age eleven. I mentioned her name for two reasons. One is I’m pubbing X-men 3, which comes out May 26, and yeah, I’ll be there. I hope to be there anyway. Supposedly, I’m helping a friend move into her parents’ lake house, but there should be time for a movie. The second reason I mentioned Anna Paquin is because she won an Oscar, which is an aspiration of mine. I don’t think I’m a particularly good filmmaker, but I enjoy making films. So far, I’ve made seven short films and two still frame photo series. That may sound like a lot, but it’s not really if I ever hope to improve and score an Oscar. This summer I will be working on scripts, and the goal is to turn out at least one full-length motion picture’s worth of dialogue. Wish me luck. I’ve started several.

Let’s see. Other things I’ll be doing this summer. Working. I have a credit card to pay off and a monthly $50 dollar phone bill not to mention a car. Don’t ask me why my phone bill is so friggin’ expensive. I really don’t know. My mom pays for my car as well as my insurance, but I pay for any maintenance pulled on it and gas, which is about to reach $3 dollars a gallon. I’ll also need to eat, and I’ve always been concerned with how I look. It’s just more recently I’ve wanted to do something about it, and that will be yet another expense. I’m not talking plastic surgery though. Just clothes and ProActive (because I still have acne) and things that make me smell good. I’m planning on going to the gym everyday. Wish me luck with that also.

So I figure this is a good start. The purpose of me even having a blog is so I can vent and discover more about myself, and if people are interested, cool. I say a lot of corky things, and I am not going to censor myself. So readers beware.